Certainty - Tumblr Posts
“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.”
—Bertrand Russell
All those creatures that are me, that build up my mind, heart and soul; my personality, my identity.. In my belief and trust in you, myself and us, they were coming to you and each and every one of them happily dedicated a vital piece of themself to you, laid it inside of your palms, as in the safe and honest process of connecting with you in the unlimited understanding of each other. Even the last one, opened and translucent, brought themself to you. Unafraid, peaceful; for that was what you convinced them all to be, a safe, steadfast, place, a Hiraeth. Even the sceptic, the cynic, and the rationalist, they all surrendered for they in their reason believed the same truth.
And now, you're going about your days, skillfully blocking out and professionally ignoring any feeling, or, God forsake, an apt thought of anything that have transpired between you and me; highly unaware and, for the well and long-trained subconscious defence mechanism, incapable of realising the full extent of what you took from me when you left me that October evening.
You don't even know what you're carrying, the volume of responsibility you took on your shoulders without a proper consideration; as a consideration, though with the purest of good intentions, is many times not properly carried out, often, paradoxically and not, blinded by those very pure intentions.
I'm drowning in desperation, a need of you [and for you] to understand, to unblock, to see, to be brave for once and then again, until the day you disassemble or destroy the mechanism that wards you from living to the full potential of the mind. And afterwards, maybe, you wouldn't have to be afraid of your impulse and your own heart, for then you shall finally understand them. Maybe, then, needn't to fear your heart, you could discover a soul.
And if only you knew how many souls are there, living unseen, for the human fear and a lack of our understanding.
Emily Yvonne, fragments of my mind
I find it interesting, this human tendency to cling and clutch onto something that is bad and hurtful, only because we're thoroughly acquainted with it, rather than explore something new, something unknown, with a chance of it being better or even good.
It seems we truly love staying in our zone of toxic comfort out of sheer familiarity.
It's like living in a town you grew up in, yet 've been promising yourself to leave because you hate everything about it. However, when the time comes, you don't go. You stay. Why? Because "I know where all the shops are." "I know how the buses come and go." "I know my way through the streets, I won't get lost."
I won't get lost...
One doesn't live in that town 'cause they like the architecture, or the people who live there too, or because it has blooming parks and good memories tied to the primary school. They just know there are buildings, people, parks and a primary school. None of them which they actually ever really liked.
But the knowledge of the fact that they are there, makes them calm. I know everything that lurks here so nothing can surprise me. Nothing unexpected. Nothing that I wouldn't know how to deal with.
I can't get lost...
There lies a certainty in the known hence safety and control.
It doesn't matter that it doesn't make me happy nor that I find no fulfilling purpose in it, why would I give up my control? Why would I risk my comfort?
Only a fool wants to live in fear.
That's all very understandable
but it's also just one big 'make your choice' video game. You've played it time and time again, therefore you know every possible outcome. All you then do is press Restart and you can pretend you live life again. Safely, under your control. And nothing ever changes.
Yeah..
This kind of control is false. It's something fear and a desperate longing for peace tricks us into thinking we have in our comfort zone.
Probably because we're constantly afraid we don't have control over our lives, hence we don't live them as we want to, hence we'll never be able to achieve our urgently desired peace. Or maybe it is just a poorly made up definition - that peace equals us being fully in control... which is humanly impossible.
Even funnier it gets when we realize how we don't even see this. The toxic comforts become a part of us subconsciously and sometimes very early on. Letting go of them [have] never crossed our mind because why would I give up a part of my identity? It feels wrong and unnatural despite the fact that I'd be letting go of something that's been harming me... but I'm used to it. I'm familiar with it. This is who I've always been.
Well, have you?