Sorrow - Tumblr Posts

I'm not the one who dances on the edge of a knife.. I'm not the knife either, I am the sharpness; the sharpness that cuts you. I am not the wound, nor am I the blood.. I am but the pain you remember.

Emily Yvonne

We live, we die the Lifeless Stars

Shining in the dark

Palaye Royale, Lifeless Stars

... –it is wonderful what stagnation there fell upon the springs of my life–wonderful how total an inversion took place in the character of my commonest thought. The realities of the world affected me as visions, and as visions only, while the wild ideas of the land of dreams became, in turn–not the material of my everyday existence–but in very deed that existence utterly and solely in itself.

EDGAR ALLAN POE, Berenice

I have always been of the opinion that consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative...

Oscar Wilde

When one's unable to have anything beyond their practical reality, to repeat those practical realities day after day, with ongoing time more and more often, is the only way of forcedly convincing their subconsciousness that they are, indeed, alive, and living with any purpose.

Emily Yvonne

"All this fury, all this rage; the grinning growling consequence of broken discipline, deflating fears and suffocated love... "

Emily Yvonne

𝑫𝒐 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒃𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒅

𝑶𝒓 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒂 𝒃𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑𝒆𝒅?

𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆'𝒔 𝒕𝒓𝒖𝒍𝒚 𝒒𝒖𝒊𝒕𝒆 𝒂 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒄𝒆

𝑫𝒂𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒄𝒂𝒏'𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒊𝒕?

𝐄𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐘𝐯𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞

𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐥𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧

𝐈𝐭𝐬 𝐟𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐞

𝐄𝐱𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐝

𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐞

𝐓𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝

𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐝

𝐒𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐝

𝐓𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐢𝐭 𝐮𝐩

𝐈 𝐜𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬

𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐧𝐨𝐰

𝐈𝐧𝐤 𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐩𝐚𝐩𝐞𝐫

𝐈𝐜𝐞

𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐬

𝐎𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐬

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐞𝐬

𝐈𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝

𝐈𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬

𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬

𝐎𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬

𝐈𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐥𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐬

𝐈𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬

𝐈𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐬

𝐒𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐟𝐥𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐢𝐫

𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐯𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐬

𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐥𝐦𝐬

𝐏𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬

𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐠

𝐀 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐚 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭

𝐄𝐟𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐥𝐲

𝓔𝓶𝓲𝓵𝔂 𝓨𝓿𝓸𝓷𝓷𝓮

It leaves you and you don't know how

You don't see your friends just shadows dancing in your mind

You do what you love what you can until you don't

The desperate call for help takes away all the joy

Nothing's real

You're not here

You're not sleeping

Not waking

Just that tantalising

Feeling of weakness

Where breaking is freedom

They want you to let go

To give up your struggle

Why hold on

When it clearly makes no sense

They try to prove you that there's nothing left

Not even yourself.

Emily Yvonne

That lifelong gentle friend of mine, carnivorous loneliness

𝑬𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒚 𝒀𝒗𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒆

Sorrow

Sorrow’s where we often dwell

And revel in our tainted hell

For all the world to come and tell

All of which we’d not done well

“And in the end, we were all just humans... drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Why again?

Please, please, take this and every other opportunity to tell your friends and loved ones how much they mean to you.

This marks the fourth suicide from our school in the past four years.

The fourth, not including the girl who died of cancer or the father (of two kids who go here) who shot his in-laws before killing himself.

Again, I didn't know him, but I just love everybody so much and I just wish our community could grow together for a different reason, for once. Instead, again, facebook is filled with grief and preaching and awful self-righteous statements about how suicide is a selfish choice and then people talking about memories and then people getting mad at other people for pretending to be closer to the deceased than they were and then people crying out against bullying and a lot of miserable chaos and it's awful.

I just love you all, okay? Meaning you, CTYers that I've met and also those I haven't. Meaning you, people who occasionally comment and help me with books and understanding. Meaning you, people make me feel good by liking my thought-vomit. Meaning you, local friends who sneakily read this. Meaning you, people whose blogs make the world a slightly prettier place and feel comfortable enough to share your problems with other people.

You all matter. And I love you. And all we need is love.

And when we meet Which I’m sure we will All that was then Will be there still I’ll let it pass And hold my tongue And you will think That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship And I won’t put my hands up and surrender There will be no white flag above my door I’m in love and always will be……………

“ A TRIBUTE TO THIS CHILD THAT HAS CANCER”

(Note that the child is Filipino and this is a real story all-translated to English, but in our actual conversation We both used the language of mixed English-Tagalog)

An extraordinary day that was supposed to be spent as a normal day.

I woke up and smiled before sitting at the bed knowing it would be nothing but a normal day.

When I got to the kitchen to fetch myself some food and while I’m stirring my cup filled with coffee, It peaked my attention to read my messages at my phone.

At first, I don’t mind a lot of messages at my phone but one actually got my attention.

It was a message from my superior senior officer at the Philippine Red Cross and he notified me to report immediately at the quarters for we are to be briefed about today’s giveback to a Pediatric Cancer Orphanage at the nearby city.

At first I’m about to send back a message, politely declining my attendance for this week’s volunteer opportunity.

But then I decided to go for it. And so I took a bath and got dressed with the Red Cross Uniform. And so rushed to report.

And so I and my fellow peers at the organization was briefed and not sooner than an hour later, We went to the orphanage we will render our day for.

Stepping inside the room and seeing the children with cancers immediately broke my heart. There’s nothing but a bit of silence and Innocent eyes of children looking at us.

Every Volunteer was assigned to a child with the said ailment. And We were accompanied by the orphanage staff to our respective room with a child waiting for us.

Her name was Lucy, An 7 year old kid with brain cancer. of course seeing her condition was a like a mix of emotions I can’t hide for myself. At first I let her know my name in person.

To cut to the chase, We both chat about something for like an hour. She told me about her life knowing that at the age of 5 She has an extreme ailment that can’t be easily cured. Even worst, She told me about the time when her parents abandoned her because they’re unable to pay for her medical bills.

She even told me about her ambitions about being a Scientist and solving the greatest mysteries of Mankind, About one day, being a Doctor of Medical Research. She even told me about her obsession about stars and the universe, tennis and cooking. A great and total connection to my obsessions.

It totally brought heavy tears to my eyes and amidst all of these sad emotions I’m showing to Lucy, I was still smiling just to perhaps reduce the drama happening around the room.

Then I told her:

“Lucy you are young, I wish you had a great life ahead of you. I have an obsession in Physics and Astronomy. Every night, I examine the cosmos and I too am furiously searching for the unsolved mysteries above us (outer space).”

Lucy Responded:

“Kuya Gevex, How honored am I to meet such a person like you. I dreamt that one day I won’t be able to do the same things as you do. And I also accepted the reality that I won’t exists in the near future. But Kuya, (”Kuya” = “Brother” in English Term), Can you do those things for me?! Can you shed light to my questions but If you do find answers I might be afraid that I won’t be here to know those things anymore. Where is the nearest star system Kuya? Where are we in the universe? and can cancer be cured in the near future?”

I said:

“Don’t doubt yourself Lucy, you’re such a great kid, unfortunately yes! You may have an uncertain future but that doesn’t mean you’re living a shitty life. A great person named Dr. Stephen Hawkings once said to humanity that however bad life may be, there is always something that You are good at. Lucy, the nearest star system is about 4 light years away and Lucy, there’s no center in the Universe its gradually expanding and to answer your last question, We still don’t have the Ultimate Research for providing answers and conceiving medicines that will beat the sickness of cancer. Science is simply so young at the moment.”

But one day when society is a better place and all the sufferings in our lives are defeated, We will eventually answer nearly everything we want to know.

Here, borrow my phone, I will show you the Images of my Space photos taken by my telescope back home. Then she was amazed on all of it and she even asked me if she could still borrow my phone for a few minutes to hear music.

Then Afterwards*

We talked about the normal things of our lives. and It’s my time to finally leave the room. I politely asked the staff in charge for feeding her lunch to give us a few minutes to say something, more like an eulogy to one another.

Lucy told me that I have the potential of being great. With all the resources I have I may have the greates life possible to live at.

Then it’s my time to say my eulogy for her, and I remembered that I brought my diary with me and inside it was a eulogy from Renowned Biologists Professor Richard Dawkins to Humanity.

of course I’ve said my eulogy to her:

“We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.We privileged few, who won the lottery of birth against all odds, how dare we whine at our inevitable return to that prior state from which the vast majority have never stirred?”

Goodbye Lucy, I’ll visit you as often as I could, but you know I don’t make promises I can’t keep.

We both hugged each other for like seconds and then I left the room. then I finally said farewell to my fellow volunteers and said that I want to go home. Eventually they agreed to it and thanked me for my presence.

Going to home and typing this real story to my blog makes me feel so unthinkably lucky for knowing her. Imagine if I had actually Politely Declined to report to the Red Cross then I wouldn’t have that opportunity to meet a child that really wants to speak to someone like me, ever chancing a person the same as her.

I’m so hugely privileged for my life and for which I noted to myself, I INDEED WON THE LOTTERY OF BIRTH.

*Drank my Coffee, Posted it to Tumblr, Turned off the computer and went back to bed from a tiring but well spent day.*

I didn't plan to fall for you this deeply. But seems like you don't love me like the way I do. My heart's aching, what am I supposed to do with it? I'll just pull this trigger in your heart and I guess in this way you'll feel what I feel.

I really want but I can't.

Lonely Boy