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❝ ... How much did you smoke, Junie? ❞

muse: juniper thompson

“love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. and if i tell you that i’m in sandwich with you, i'm not just saying it to get in your ziploc bag.”

❝ Yes. I'm madly in love with Topper and it kills me slowly to see him catering to your every whim. I don't know how I am supposed to go on when my one true love is in love with another. ❞ his words coated heavy in sarcasm as he laughs, shaking his head before pinching the bridge of his nose.

❝ I just know you, Sarah. You're only out for you. Fuck everyone else as long as the Kook Princess gets what she wants. ❞

"some people would find your obsession with my relationship very weird, rafe. what is it? are you into topper or something?"

❝ But do you even know what you said because I can't make heads or tails of that shit. Remind me to put the good shit on the top shelf where you can't reach it. ❞

❝ ... How much did you smoke, Junie? ❞

𝖲𝗁𝖾 𝗋𝖾𝗍𝗈𝗋𝗍𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝖼𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗁𝗂𝗆 𝗌𝖾𝗅𝖿𝗂𝗌𝗁 ; but he'd argue that anything he's ever done has been for Ward, for the family but she's too blind to see it just like their dad is far too blind to see it. That's not surprising considering how she and Ward are so close. And sure, he's guilty of hurting people physically -- her especially and he regrets that. And yet when it's brought up like a weapon he will act otherwise.

❝ Why don't you run and go tell daddy, it's what you're good at isn't it? ❞

all that is given in response is a roll of her eyes. sure she's made some mistakes in the past. dumb decisions in the heat of the moment that end up hurting people and speaking ill on her character. but she does love topper.

"you know it seems very pot calling the kettle black, rafe. you're the most selfish person i know. i at least don't physically hurt people when i don't get my way."

❝ There are metaphors, and then there's...You know what? I'm going to go to argue with you, Polly Pocket. ❞ he says this with a smile as he puts his arm around her, though asking why rude things come out of a pretty mouth? He tries not to grin at her. ❝ You're so cute when you're trying to look intimidating.❞

"just cause you don't understand metaphors does not make that my problem." she chuckled which turns into a pout when he uses her height against her. "hey! why do such rude things come out of such a pretty mouth, huh?"

𝖧𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝗍𝖾𝗌 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗂𝗌 𝖻𝗋𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝗎𝗉 because he regrets it, even if they can't see that. He regrets harming Sarah. Even if he told Ward different when it came to shooting her ; he was trying to show his father how hardened he was and how he'd not let anything happen to Ward. Not even Sarah. But what did that get him ? Nothing. And yet even as her words sting he brings the armor back out again as he stares his sister down.

❝ Know? Oh, he knows. ❞ Rafe replied, stepping closer to Sarah. ❝ And he didn't give a fuck. ❞ His words he hopes hits her like venom. Maybe like the bullet that hit her accidently before -- and he also felt horrible about that. But no one thinks he ever does, so why should he try to convince them otherwise?

❝ Why don't you run, Sarah ? You're good at that.❞

"does dad know how you tried to drown me? no, so why don't you stop with that shit, rafe." sarah snapped at him. she always seems to lose her cool when it comes to her brother. arguing like he'd ever see her view on things. also, ward and sarah haven't been close since all this began.

"love how that's what you resort to when you have nothing else to say. you're trying to meddle in my relationship and you need to stay out of it. seriously, rafe."

❝ Did you eat your veggies when you were a kid ? ❞ There is a light yelp he lets out when she pinches his side, but he also ends up laughing after the fact. ❝ You're about as intimidating as a chihuahua. All yips, no bite. ❞

"you did not just call me polly pocket! it's not my fault you were born a giant." she reached to pinch his side with a huff. eyes narrow on him. "believe me, i can be very intimidating when i want to be. this just doesn't happen to be one of those times.

𝖧𝖾 𝖽𝗈𝖾𝗇𝗌'𝗍 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗇 𝗂𝗍 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗋𝗍𝖾𝖽, maybe when he started self-medicating with cocaine to silence the voices in his head, to focus on being the son that their father wanted instead of the one he got. And yet even then nothing worked but by the time he realized it? It was the only thing that made him feel anything at the high -- it was the lows that sucked. And this was becoming a low point. Knowing that at one time in their life he and Sarah were closer than this. And now?

He tried to shoot John B for his dad, but hit Sarah instead. He tried to drown her but she'd let him fry. She'd let him go to jail, and whatever happened to him there would she care? Does she care that he isn't well? Ward doesn't. Rose doesn't. Why would Sarah care?

❝ In wanting to live your life for you , you didn't give a shit who you hurt in the process, huh? Not Dad, not Wheezie, not m--❞ he stops himself from admitting anything. Instead he is taken aback by her words of when he stopped being her brother.

❝ And you stopped being my sister long before that. ❞ Rafe spat. ❝ You stopped giving a fuck about me a long time ago. Before any of this you stopped seeing me as your brother and you started looking at me like they look at me.❞

Aside from Ward's constant disappointment he can't deny that it hurt like hell that he went from the big brother to someone she seemed to hate and he doesn't even know how they got there.

the way that rafe acts towards her makes her believe he hates her. that he'd rather see her dead than ever work on trying to fix what's broken. maybe a part of her doesn't realize that she's pretty much done the same to him since everything went to shit in her family. feels of abandonment and uninterest scream inside of her. though she knows she's at fault for walking away, they had given her the push. here sarah was, doing exactly what she feared most -- not meeting people's expectations.

this time sarah doesn't back down. holds strong against rafe's intimidating presence. she knows he can hurt her -- he's bigger and stronger but it doesn't sway her. the words hit their mark. of course it stings to know how litter her father cared. especially have she mourned his 'death' on that boat. "i'm not his little princess anymore so of course he doesn't rafe. i wasn't doing what he wanted. i wanted to live my life for me and he hated me for it. you don't think i knew that?"

"you don't know a damn thing about me anymore rafe. you stopped being my brother the day you wanted me dead instead."

❝ Yes you have ! ❞ Rafe snapped at Sarah knowing that he's seen it in her eyes. Even if she thinks she hasn't, he's seen her do it. At least...he thinks he's seen her do it.

❝ Because he always compared me to you. Why can't you be more like your sister, why can't you do what your sister does, why can't you just do like you're told like Sarah does...Always the comparison when I'm supposed to be the older one setting the example. No matter what I did for him -- it was you he favored. ❞ He finds himself with his finger in her face but he pulls it back fast, then brings his hands to his head, through his hair.

Then he hits his head with his knuckles hard - the thunks are audible. And then he starts to pace back and forth only to force a laugh when she makes note that he was so wrapped up in the coke and he looked down at everyone else.

He mutters something under his breath , but it's the same thing , the rhythm is there to indicate that he's repeating the same thing over and over and then he says it loud enough.

❝ Because it quiets the voices ! ❞ he shakes his head, pacing back and forth. ❝ They go quiet and I can think, I can think and not hear what they tell me, what dad tells me. Dad wouldn't help me, Rose wouldn't help me...❞ Tears form in Rafe's eyes, and they proceed down his cheeks.

❝ It's all I can do to make them be quiet, to not feel so stupid and so weak and useless...❞

while rafe chases his escape in drugs, sarah had chased hers outside of the walls of tanny hill. she refuses to fall in the same footsteps as her father or god forbid, rose. a life of meaningless wealth and status and unfulfilled happiness. she wants real love and enjoyment of life. no something just to show off with and in her pursue of that, she say what most of her family thought. how they were so wrapped up in their materialistic lifestyle that they lost sight of the real definition of family.

the thing is, even with that knowledge, sarah still hopes that one day they can maybe find their way of being family again. or at least get rafe back as a brother. but that day seemed so far in the future, especially when they are at each other's throats like this.

"that is where you are wrong. i never looked at you like how ward or rose did. i was always worried about you. when dad got mad at you, i wanted to help but you were always so angry with me, with dad. i didn't know how to help." because sarah was young after all. before the gold, before john b, before her life almost ended multiple times. "all i wanted was my big brother back but you were so wrapped up in barry and his coke but looked down on anyone else."

❝ So what you're saying is your parents just fed you the baby variety of everything ; baby carrots, baby corn..? ❞ He knows if he keeps this up she is going to get him back ; and yet .. the smile on his face indicates that he isn't going to let up any time soon. ❝ Oh now you're just getting kinky, Juni. ❞

❝ Did you eat your veggies when you were a kid ? ❞ There is a light yelp he lets out when she pinches his side, but he also ends up laughing after the fact. ❝ You're about as intimidating as a chihuahua. All yips, no bite. ❞

𝖲𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗂𝗇 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗈𝖿 𝗂𝗍 𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝖻𝗂𝗀 𝖻𝗋𝗈𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋 to the monster that his sister was scared of. And even though he saw it all happening he couldn't stop it. Even if he heard himself screaming to stop. His own voice seemed muffled, distant, an echo where the words couldn't be made clear no matter how he tried to zone in and listen.

Even as she speaks, there is a voice he tries to ignore telling him not to listen but he knows that she's right - she never asked for what their father had in store for them. He worked his life from the ground up and never wanted his children to want for anything. But for that to happen they had to walk his path and not a path of their choice. Sarah was brave to break herself out of the fish bowl all the while Rafe was swimming in circles hoping to catch Ward's attention for an ounce of praise for the smallest of things. Even if he got that praise it was a short lived moment of victory that would be later ripped away from being chastised for something else he had done wrong.

Rafe soon slumps down on the ground, his knees to his chest, his hands in his hair as he finds himself rocking back and forth like a small child. Never has he allowed his sister to see any kind of weakness until this moment. The dam is busted and there is no stopping it. She's seen him at his worst and she's fought his demons.

But now he sits before her broken. No, broken was too simple. Shattered more like and none of the pieces were fitting anymore as he scrambled to put them back together.

❝ I never wanted to hurt you ... And when I told him I didn't care I did I lied. I cared. I hated myself for it. I just wanted you to see me. I wanted you to see me like you used to. I know it was wrong and I tried to stop but all I could hear, all I could see... ❞ he can't explain it, not the way he wants too. The words spill out of his mouth in whimpers and muffled held in sobs that he couldn't bring himself to release.

❝ I thought if I showed him that I felt nothing he'd not think I was stupid, that I was weak, that he'd stop throwing me around like I was a stupid, broken toy meant for the garbage...❞

maybe she hadn't even noticed. maybe she was so wrapped up in her own escape that she hadn't realized she had started to become just like them in ways she didn't want to be. sarah never meant it if she had looked at him like that. at least not before he's almost taken her life twice. now is a different story. there is too much that's happened for her to not have a jaded outlook on things. the trust she once held within rafe had disappeared the first time he laid hands on her. he was her big brother. he was suppose to be her protector and yet he had become something she feared.

"that's not my fault! you're blaming me for something that dad did. i didn't ask him to compare us. i didn't want him to. i wanted to be my own person. not some example. not to have expectations just hoisted on my shoulders without a say." now she's sure ward would probably tell her she was a disgrace. no matter how much she pretended that rafe's anger and jealousy towards her didn't effect her, it does. it eats at her. hold some fault, even though she's not the one who put the pressure on him.

a flinch is given in response. once at the finger in her face and the second to the sound of his own hand against his head. "rafe..." it's said softly, concerned that he might hurt himself or her in this moment. rafe had become unpredictable to her.

concerned eyes follow him, trying to steel herself for whatever may come her way from him. from his anger to his fists, who knew. but she hadn't expected that outburst. and the look of fear turns into one of sympathy. rafe had just been crying out for help and everyone just tossed him away, sarah included. unintentionally but still done and she can visibly see it. it makes her heart break, tears forming in her own eyes.

"you're none of those things, you know." she means it, even if she's sure he won't take it as such. "look, dad sucks." that was and understatement. "he wanted me to be this perfect daughter who never fought for her own life and that's not me. he wanted you to be something you weren't because it didn't meet HIS expectations. he doesn't define us anymore, rafe."

❝ Oh you know I like it rough. ❞ he replies, smirking as she has mentioned that she could go for the knees first, then for the jugular. He likes to rile her up, what can he say? ❝ Besides all I have to do is pick you up and put you on top of the fridge, what are you going to do? You can't jump down, might hurt yourself. ❞

"the really cool thing about being short is i can take you out by your knees with no effort. the bigger they are, the harder they fall and all that." she eaves a hand around and she knows she's feeding into it. insults and threats, although playful, only egg him on more. "you won't be saying that when i take a chunk out of your jugular."

𝖨𝗇 𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗈𝗐𝗇 𝗆𝗂𝗌𝖾𝗋𝗒 Rafe couldn't see that Ward had done something to all of his children ; all he could see was the favoritism toward Sarah. Even he saw that Wheezie seemed to be overlooked from time to time though it would seem like Rose had her eyes on her at least. Rafe felt like glass. He felt like everyone saw right through him, like he was never there and if he wasn't careful he'd break.

But he cracked, and cracked more and now here he is broken in front of Sarah. Something he's never let her see before because Ward taught him that emotions were not something a man could show anyone. And if he did he was weak, so when Rafe showed him the broken parts -- he'd be told what he was. And then it would be beaten into him both figuratively and literally. Ward has put his hands on Rafe time and time again when no one was looking. A slap across the face, a hard shove knocking him over ... Every time Rafe opted to numb himself it was not only to drown out the voices in his head that could never hold a conversation that wasn't conflicting ; it was to hide the fact just how much it hurt him to know that despite his words of love and suggestions that he does what he does to build character. They didn't build Rafe into anything other than the monster who would hurt his own sister , who longed to just be seen for the things he does right and not the things he does wrong.

Even when he tries to do right he's undermined and told differently.

Sarah reassures him that he's none of those things and her words while they can't fix it all seem to take the pieces and try to put them back together as best as they can possibly be. He looks up to her as tears stream down his cheeks.

He knows she's terrified of him, he's terrified of himself. But that doesn't stop Rafe from moving from his position and grabbing hold of Sarah around the waist and pulling her in to him, his head falling onto his sister's shoulder.

His voice comes out but he sounds so small in the moment, like a child.

❝ I'm so sorry. ❞

ward had done a wonderful job and ruining his children. from it rafe constant need to prove himself to their father in hopes to get a crumb of appreciation or attention to her intense fear of letting someone close in fear of being a disappointment. their father had worked his ass off for the life they had and however grateful sarah was for the things she had and experienced, she also just wanted freedom. the cameron household was a prison and she had escaped, if only leaving rafe and wheezie behind. the lying, the manipulations, the fake death and kidnapping? ward was no longer the father she wanted but the one she hated and wanted nothing to do with. yet, even though rafe had tried to kill her twice now, she still wanted to fix things if given the chance. to get her brother back and not what he had become.

the scene if front of her shatters her heart within seconds. she had never seen rafe so broken. so vulnerable before. at first, she doesn't know what to do. she hasn't seen rafe cry since they were kids. not since the first time she ever heard ward talk down to him and she comforted him afterwards the best she could at that age. rafe had always been strong. unmoving and withstand everything. it had been why people feared him before.

"you were never stupid or weak." sarah finally starts moving towards him, kneeling on the ground and pulling a hand on his arm. treading lightly in fear of doing the wrong thing. she hadn't expected this fight to turn into this and yet here, they were. "dad is an asshole. he's hurt all of is unexplainable ways. what he said, how he treated you, was never your fault. ward was just...." miserable felt like too little. psychotic felt like too much but honestly? "horrible. vile.i don't know." a shake of her head. "i didn't know it got that bad." she really had been wrapped up in her own world. it also didn't help that most of the time ward was berating and beating rafe without witnesses around.

❝ Don't sound so surprised. ❞ Rafe tries to hold back a smirk as he notices the roll of her eyes. She then threatens to use him as a landing pad and he pulls back, brow raised. ❝ You tiny girls are dangerous. ❞

"of course you're a kinky fuck." a light chuckle leaves her with a roll of her eyes as he continued to taunt her. he riled her up and she fell into the trap of egging him on. at least it was playful this time. "no, it's just use you as a landing pad. i'd be fine, sweetheart." juniper replied, confidently.

𝖧𝖾 𝗇𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁𝗍 𝗁𝖾'𝖽 𝗌𝖾𝖾 𝖺 𝖽𝖺𝗒 𝗐𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗁𝖾 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖼𝗋𝗒𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗈𝗇 𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗌𝗂𝗌𝗍𝖾𝗋'𝗌 𝗌𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽𝖾𝗋, but he holds on to her as though she's his only life line right now. Everything bad he's done to her he doesn't deserve forgiveness. one might say the one thing he deserves is to burn in the fiery pits of hell for what he's done.

And now he wouldn't argue that. The punishment could never truly fit the crimes he committed. He didn't take on the sins of the father, he created his own. To carry on his shoulders that he first tried to wear as a badge in hopes Ward would see them and be proud. But when that failed and Rafe started to see all he was and all he would be in Ward's eyes ; that's when it all started to crumble. Even in the last moments of love promised Rafe couldn't tell anyone if those words were genuine, or they were once again wrapped around manipulation in hopes to gain something from Rafe after everything was said and done.

But Rafe being the son that he was , the son he wanted to be and to show his father he was the son he wanted would hold on hard to the belief that it was meant with it's very breath.

He'd never know. He'll never know which "I love yous" actually meant anything from Ward especially when Sarah points out the obvious. Ward sucked as a father. Especially as they got older.

And he knew he'd never get that motherly love from Rose , but he has his sisters. He needs them to get through this even if he's far from deserving of it. To make amends with Sarah could take the rest of his life. And he's more than willing if he can once again be the big brother he used to be at some point in their lives ; until everything turned into a competition in his own head.

He holds Sarah as long as he's allowed, just sobbing into her shoulder.

everyone had been lost in their own world. wheezie was maybe the only person that could say that she had seen all of them at some point. seen the way rafe was breaking and asked him to get his shit together. seen sarah was unhappy with her relationship with topper but didn’t understand the fasination she had previously with john b. the only thing the girl was blind to was how horrible their father was and that’s mainly cause his focus wasn’t on her that way. ward hadn’t tainted her as much yet. 

rafe was broken. more than sarah, even with everything that had happened. rafe had been broken for a long time and the cracks had been ignored. left to crumble to the ground, leaving a nasty trail in their wake. a part of sarah wishes she had known. that she had seen it before this. before he had become a shell of the brother she once knew. wished she could have tried to save him. in the same sense that her running away from the family was for her. before the drugs got ahold of rafe, before their lives turned to shit. maybe the lack of family values was the cameron's downfall. they had everything and yet nothing at the same time. monetary value only lasted so long.

even in his worst moments, she never saw rafe has weak or pathetic. he was strong, determined. when his mind was clear, he was an unstoppable force. even when he wasn't sober he was something else entirely. sarah had heard from wheezie how rafe took control when their father was in a coma.

there is a slight pause when he moves, waiting to see what happens. when she realizes he's hugging her, her arms wrap around his shoulders in reciprocation. "i'm sorry, rafe. someone should have been helping you and i was too wrapped up in my own shit to see it. for that, i apologize." sarah admits. "still, stand by what i said though. dad is a piece of shit. you didn't deserve it."

He can't fully blame Ward, but a good portion of it is on him and the way he is now. The fact that he's got all of these issues and he opted to self medication. Ward didn't want to believe his son was weak and needed help. So why get him what he needed? He could pick himself up by his bootstraps and fix it himself. That's how his generation thinks, right?

Either way, there's a lot of things he wishes he could take back and how he treated Sarah is one of those things he wishes he could take back first. Everything else seems to come secondary - even though she's now friends with the pogues. Those apologies would have to wait sometime later.

He takes a breath, and as Sarah asks if he wants to get dinner with her he lets his mouth curl into a soft smile - a ghost of a thing - but it's there.

❝ I'd like that.❞

sarah can't always blame rafe for his actions. sure he was old enough and of sound mind most times but his actions weren't always driven by his own thoughts or feelings. ward had a way of twisting and manipulating things. a con if you will. like the lengths that ward would go to try to get sarah back. ward was the one who made their sibling bond into a competition for rafe. no matter how horrible sarah had been as a daughter, ward had always had this light. not that she wanted that view or anything from her father.

so as rafe cries, sarah holds onto him. she had people to rely on when she was at her breaking point and she realizes that rafe hasn't had the same luxury. she knows that topper and kelce are emotionally stunted. rose was never going to be a mother, she had never been to begin with. all they had were each other when it came to family and maybe it's their turn to fix things that are broken between them. they will never get any answers from ward and rose probably was too deep in the bottle to give them anything that made sense.

"hey, rafe..." she starts softly after a moment. "you want to grab some dinner or something? we can have a chinese take out night like we use to when we were kids." when they were a family."

He can sit and say he isn't a jealous guy, but truth be told he can certainly feel it from time to time -- and this was one of those times he was feeling it. It's not insecurity ( at least he wouldn't admit it as such ) but if someone is with Rafe, they're with Rafe. And that means hands off, do not touch. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. So hearing about this guy, even seeing it with his own two eyes...

❝ Fine, I won't kill him. ❞ he replies. ❝ I'll just break his legs.❞

𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗇𝗎𝖾𝖽 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 @cfthesoul