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pls yell at me about having unprotected sex pls i’ve been slacking sm and it doesn’t feel important to me anymore oops

LET ME FUCKING TELL YALL. ABOUT SAFE SEX.

- IF YOU HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH ONE PERSON YOU’RE HAVING SEX WITH ALL THEIR PARTNERS. which doesn’t sound bad bc you know they have good taste (obviously if they’re sleeping with you duh) but if you’re the upgrade what the FUCK were they coming from yk??? “If you play with trash, you’re gonna get dirty.” - Kie’s dad.

- STDs AND STIs ARE FUCKING UNCOMFY. LIKE, ITCHY EVERYWHERE. BURNING CROTCH. IT BURNS TO PEE. PUS. FROM YOUR COCK OR VAGINA. DISGUSTING. SWELLING UGH EW. YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW YOU HAVE STDs FOR UP TO TWO WEEKS. and it’d be kinda mean if you gave someone an STD so please don’t

- LITERALLY IT’S SO EASY TO GET FREE CONDOMS GUYS. TYPE YOUR ZIPCODE INTO THIS WEBSITE AND IT’LL SHOW YOU THE CLOSEST PLACE TO GET FREE CONDOMS NEAR YOU. for guys and gals and nonbinary pals who have vaginas and like others with vaginas, dental dams are also a thing.

- P R E G N A N C Y. THE BIGGEST FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL EVER. CHILDREN ARE LOUD. AND MESSY. AND SO EXPENSIVE. THEY NEED CONSTANT ATTENTION. THEY WONT EAT WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO. YOU’LL CHANGE THOUSANDS OF DIAPERS. YOU’LL HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO BRING THEM TO THE HOSPITAL WHEN THEY HAVE A FEVER OF 103 AND THEN PAY FOR THE HOSPITAL BILLS. PREGNANCY IS PAINFUL. CHILDREN ARE ALSO ASSHOLES.

- PULLING OUT DOESNT WORK. PRECUM CAN CONTAINS TRACES OF SEMEN WHICH CAN MAKE ITS WAY INTO THE EGGS.

- PLEASE DONT LISTEN TO ANYONE WITH A PENIS WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT BEING TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM. THEY ARE LIARS. OR HAVE DANGEROUSLY HUMONGOUS DICKS THAT SHOULD REALLY GET IT CHECKED OUT BECAUSE AT THAT RATE IT SHOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO WALK. IT’LL BE LIKE  A THIRD FUCKING LEG DUDE HONESTLY.

- FOR YALL ON BIRTH CONTROL, MISSING A PILL CAN SET YOU BACK THREE DAYS

- GUYS. PORN IS FREE. PORNHUB IS FREE. XHAMSTER IS FREE. SMUT IS FREE. EVEN YOUTUBE HAS SOME SUGGESTIVE AUDIOS THAT MIGHT RUFFLE YOUR FEATHERS. i mean during quarantine you shouldn’t be fuckin anyway. why not get to know yourself a little better. you’re home all day with nothing to do. why not have some fun.

so, in short... be safe. have fun. do the do. but don’t do it at the cost of your health or the next eighteen years of your life. children never go away. like, ever. just jack off. mutual masturbation. phone sex. zoom sex. skype sex. anyway, big love, guys. 

pitaparka, out.