Going Out Alone - Tumblr Posts

I had the most chaotic day ever.

I woke up shaking from anxiety; nothing new, just the usual. I cried the whole morning, then I decided I should at least go out to sit on one of the college's benches (I live in a dormitory as I am an international student in Budapest currently). Suddenly, one of the boys that also live in this dormitory wrote to me, asked me how I am (he knows about my mental struggles) and I told him the truth. He was really kind to me and I think that helped a lot, because I decided to try and go out on my own to walk on the street today (I think I've developed agoraphobia as I am really at the verge of crying and shaking in my whole body every time I have to go alone anywhere). Not only did I managed to go to the destination I had in mind, but I attempted to get on the public transportation too (the tram & the metro - had some kind of panic/anxiety coming when I left the metro station to go back to the tram, but it kind of went away in like two minutes?? - I told my mind I won't tolerate abuse from myself anymore). I was shaking and I felt fear the whole time, I felt like every other muscle in me was hurting, but I did it! Then, a couple hours later I went out again with the guy I mentioned earlier and nothing bad happened! I can't believe how many big steps I took today! It is so hard to feel it, but I know I have to be proud of myself. And I am trying really hard to do so. I think the people were right about this: exposure really helps better than any medicine; it teaches your brain to unlearn the fear patterns.

Thank you for reading this, I will try going out again tomorrow and will give you an update on how it went.

Until then: be kind to yourself, be patient and be proud of any little accomplishment you've achieved. I believe in you. And I believe in myself too.

- Reni