Agoraphobia - Tumblr Posts

theres a pretty big community of people with mental illnesses and eds but i havent really seen anyone here who has panic disorder and i actually dont know anyone (besides myself) who has a panic disorder and maybe we could be friends? who knows

Yes

To other autistic people, as a kid/teenager, did you tend to find your interests were different to most others your age?

More artwork for my “Agoraphobia” project. I’m working on an animation ! It’ll be my first one, so it won’t be good, but I’m gonna give it my all anyway ! *~*

i feel especially feel this in college i feel like a loser

I’m stuck masking forever and don’t know how to get out of this situation

I’ve been masking for so long that my parents think that’s how I naturally act. This means that if I attempt to relax and be myself for even one second, they think I’m being annoying, attention seeking, or lazy.

I want to stim whenever I want. I want to wear headphones in public when it’s too loud for me. No, I don’t care if it makes me “look disabled” because I AM disabled.

I need help with things, but I don’t get help. Daily tasks like getting dressed, making lunch, and even brushing my teeth are hard for me because of severe executive dysfunction. My mom says that stuff happens to everyone. But I’m pretty sure she’s never been in pain because she’s hungry but doesn’t have enough spoons to be able to eat.

I don’t know how I ended up masking this much, but I hate it. I’ve finally learned how to stop, but I’m not allowed to.

How do people manage to befriend other people in their proximity with the same passions and hobbies?

Like seriously. I don't even manage to meet people.

i am the person that always gets dismissed.

it doesn't matter if its friends or family.

i am the one that gets interrupted while talking, the plan one can easily cancel and move to a different date.

i am the friend you tell how bad you feel, how you wish for change, the friend you tell that we definitely need to do something together again.

But when I offer help, an appointment, an ear to listen, an activity, I get pushed away or the plans get canceled within the last minute due to other, more important people coming along.

i am shutting myself down, i talk less, try to avoid new social engagements because we all know how they end by now.

i am slowly learning to be alone in this cruel world.

i dont demand, complain or ask for anything other than equal input into the friendship. i set this request from early on and i am at a point where i refuse to further let myself be treated under worth.

I don’t think be wary of strangers was a bad message but I really wish it didn’t stuck so hard to me as a child because now I’m scared of everyone to a point I want to play video games but multiplayer games are incredibly difficult because I can’t make friends because I’m scared I’d the other people in the game even if I know them

“I still don’t understand what the problem is” blithes the Waxwing. “Just go to the ████████! No one is stopping you.”

You pause, attempting vainly to figure out how to explain that anxiety does not work that way, how incredibly overwhelming the world is even when you are able to cope with it, how you have been trying your best all of this time, and how utterly broken you feel that your best is barely, barely equivalent to a ‘normal’ person having an off day. You wonder why you had to deal with the indignity of this conversation in the first place; Jules is only out of town for a weekend, you should have been able to pick up your stuff in peace. Your ex’s mom acting as a housesitter was the last thing you expected. Or wanted.

You sigh.

“Look,” you begin, “I appreciate that you’ve always been supportive of me, but I really don’t feel like I can do this right now.” You pause to try and search for the right words but find only the deep well of shame and sadness trying to fight their way back into control. You try to head them off at the pass: “I’m sorry. Thank you for the tea and for helping me pack. Thank you. I’m sorry.”

You leave.

Of Agoraphobia and Pogo - More on my early battle with Agoraphobia 

Pictured above is the adorable cartoon character, Pogo, by Walt Kelly with a balloon quote appropriate to this story. There truly is no greater enemy than one's own self, as any good and learned agoraphobic will advise you.

I loved the newspaper comics. They’re easier reading for dyslexics and those w ADD. Besides, they have pictures! I loved Beetle Bailey, Our Boarding House and, my favorite, Pogo. I subscribed to the local newspaper which was delivered right to my door each day. But getting to the comics was a problem. It meant that I had to go outside. Oh dear. But I wasn’t daunted. I was determined and became creative.

Step One, Getting to the newspaper: I would stand w my back to the front door, reach for the door knob behind me and open the door. Being careful not to go to far, I would step out backwards until I could grab the newspaper, quickly step back inside and close and lock the door. Walla! I had my newspaper w the least amount of anxiety possible. I couldn’t look at the front page or any of the other sections, only the comics section, soooo…

Step Two, Getting to the comics: To solve this problem I would roll the rubber band off the newspaper, keeping the newspaper rolled up, and then thumb through the edges until I found the distinctive borders of the comics section. I would then pull and hold on to the comics section as the rest of the newspaper unrolled and hit the floor. Wow! I had my comics and little damage done to my fragile nerves. I’d gather the undesirable sections off the floor and throw them away, then indulge myself in my comics. Whew! ~ Trabue Gentry

Realized I totally forgot about the trick or treaters. Really hoped I could just hide from the world today. But I can't fucking let the little shitheads down, so I had to venture outside and by candy.. and I don't even like children. Hope they're fucking happy, cause I had to meet a lot more people than I planned for, so I'm not.

Tis me, the grinch that loves Halloween. 💀

I feel so awful doing this but I really am in desperate need of help, today after leaving my friends place I discovered my vehicle missing from the parking lot of his apartment complex. I made a police report and called my insurance and I'm hoping my vehicle is recovered but knowing the neighborhood he lives in I doubt it will show up the same way I left it. The issue is, i have no money and no way of getting to both of my jobs! I can't afford to uber to my jobs as they are both far from each other, and taking the bus isn't a option I have. I get out at 6 and have to be at my other job at 6:30, this is an every day situation excluding mondays, my only day off. A car is something I rely on, not only for my work, but for my therapy appointments. I suffered with agoraphobia since I was 13, 2018 was the year that really was my year, I got the help I needed, I got better! I started having less panic attacks and depression episodes, i started feeling more happy. I can't have this incident ruin me, I can't afford to lose this happiness, I can't afford to relapse. Please help me, I just need a little bit of money to pay off my car insurance deductible (1,000), and if im lucky for a car down payment, or even just enough for uber rides, anything will help!

the link will take you to my cashapp account

Sorry for being angry and not quiet and reserved. I’m coming to terms with the fact I have an incurable disease and will feel like shit for the rest of my life.

Actually no. I’m not sorry. I never claimed to be a good person. Stop expecting me to be quiet and “good,” and “perfect.” I’m sure you wouldn’t be fun to be around either if your body was constantly on fire and the doctor straight up told you that it’s just going to be that way forever.

No, I won’t apologize for hating everyone. Because guess what? All of my mental problems are caused by people. So yeah, I hate people. I’m scared of people. But it’s easier to be angry than sad and scared. So fuck you, actually.

Is it a normal social anxiety thing for face-to-face interaction with people to cause shaking, nausea, and the urge to run into the woods never to be seen again? Or do I have another problem?

Online interactions are okay some of the time, but talking to people in the real world makes me physically sick. I’ve always felt like this, but it’s been getting worse lately.

I feel like a goddamn disappointment.

I want to go out and do stuff, make friends.

But what if I embarrass myself, what if I say something weird, what if I’m just that ugly?

Panic attacks: zero stars, do not recommend.

(Even worse when they happen in front of someone when one of your agoraphobia triggers is someone seeing you meltdown. And I don't have a safe place to retreat to right now. Super fun times!)

I had the most chaotic day ever.

I woke up shaking from anxiety; nothing new, just the usual. I cried the whole morning, then I decided I should at least go out to sit on one of the college's benches (I live in a dormitory as I am an international student in Budapest currently). Suddenly, one of the boys that also live in this dormitory wrote to me, asked me how I am (he knows about my mental struggles) and I told him the truth. He was really kind to me and I think that helped a lot, because I decided to try and go out on my own to walk on the street today (I think I've developed agoraphobia as I am really at the verge of crying and shaking in my whole body every time I have to go alone anywhere). Not only did I managed to go to the destination I had in mind, but I attempted to get on the public transportation too (the tram & the metro - had some kind of panic/anxiety coming when I left the metro station to go back to the tram, but it kind of went away in like two minutes?? - I told my mind I won't tolerate abuse from myself anymore). I was shaking and I felt fear the whole time, I felt like every other muscle in me was hurting, but I did it! Then, a couple hours later I went out again with the guy I mentioned earlier and nothing bad happened! I can't believe how many big steps I took today! It is so hard to feel it, but I know I have to be proud of myself. And I am trying really hard to do so. I think the people were right about this: exposure really helps better than any medicine; it teaches your brain to unlearn the fear patterns.

Thank you for reading this, I will try going out again tomorrow and will give you an update on how it went.

Until then: be kind to yourself, be patient and be proud of any little accomplishment you've achieved. I believe in you. And I believe in myself too.

- Reni

“Paralysis”

Acrylic on canvas

..

https://www.instagram.com/p/CSZ9jxYLLk8/?utm_medium=tumblr

My comfort song ☹︎

I've tried googling this, there's nothing.

Does anyone have advice from experience or links to an article for dealing with a fear of other people being in my home?

I don't feel unsafe in my home, I'm comfortable here alone. I don't worry someone's hiding in my house. But after a situation happened I have a fear of inviting people I know and love into my home, even just for a visit.