I Hate Talking About Me - Tumblr Posts

Today I feel the need to post this somewhere that isn’t my deviantart.

I don’t like to post about my personal life and I am just one of many out there, but today, I want to just lay it down.

I don’t like to talk about my personal life because I have a fear of the repercussions it may lead to and what I might cause to myself and the others around me.

Earlier this year I started going to a therapist and he helped a lot, bless him, but I haven’t gone back since due to some other major life changing events I do not wish to dwell on. My therapist helped me realize that a lot of my anger and anxiety, which the latter of the two being through the roof, was caused by my upbringing. In other words, my inability to contain my emotions and how to deal with a sticky situation was not taught well to me as a child.

Then, on top of that and unfortunately many years of my life later, I came to fully realize that someone very close to me was, in short, a gaslighting narcissist. This person put so much strain on me growing up that I didn’t realize it. When I would sense something wasn’t really right, or my words would get twisted by this person but I was unable to do anything about it, I thought it was normal to feel as I felt.

I grew up walking on eggshells, and still do, and fearing of upsetting them. I can’t even begin to list all the things they do and have done to me nor do I think I feel comfortable doing so. Since going to therapy and realizing all my anger, anxiety, depression, zoning out, on top of many other issues, we’re caused by a lot in my past I feel like I really want to try and push forward.

I say this but I know darn well I probably won’t. However, I do, at this moment, have a sense of at least wanting to move forward. I would like to work on my projects again and really focus on the things that give me a little spark of serotonin. For the past five years I have spent procrastinating and depressed and in slow motion due to my home circumstances. I hate putting the blame all on this person- even if it was mostly them.

I do want to look forward to organizing and encouraging myself to work, but I feel like everything almost does not ever go according to my plans. So I say again, I want to look forward to start a new chapter, but we’ll see how that goes.

Can’t have too much of a good thing, you know?