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Hobi in run era 💫

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our SUNSHINE 💜

18.02.2023 💫

hoseok messy layouts

like or reblog if you save

Look at them 🥺❤️🐥🐿️

Never was there ever a boy so pretty 🫶🏻

He’s so ethereal

Hobi 🥺☀️

Hah, shout out

I say "more"

Hah, yeah, right

'Cause I want some more

MORE; Jack In The Box, J-Hope

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J-Hope solo comeback!

THE SONG IS A BOP! THE MV IS LIT 🔥 J-HOPE NEVER FAIL TO AMAZE ME

J-HOOOOOOOPE

Stream "MORE"

P/S: calling him Hobi doesn't feel right at this moment 😀😭

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My work makes me breathe, so I want MORE

Inhale, inhale, exhale, exhale, uh

MORE; Jack In The Box, J-Hope

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We burn bright together

All day

Rational accomplices

Arsonist was fun (Heeh)

Got nothing to fear

One second ahead, f*ck off 

ARSON; Jack In the Box, J-Hope

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P/S: J-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPEE NEVER FAIL TO AMAZE ME. I CANT EVEN PUT INTO WORDS HOW AMAZE I AM. "AMAZE" IS NOT ENOUGH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

STREAM "ARSON"!

— hobi concert pics ..🤍

emo bangtan ༺☆༻

Hello

I just want to talk about what makes my life better, and full of faith in love and happiness, and it’s these 7 men… I am new to this place but I just decided to talk, and maybe some one will read what I said, and feels the same or agrees with me. Either way here I am, talking about some singers that I love deeply.

I would love to say lots of things about Jikook, about Mr Park Jimin and Mr Jungkook, but for start I just want to talk a little about what lovely Taehyung just posted for the birthday of Mr-sunshine-master-of-dance-J-Hope, these:

For me is just Tae showing what he loves in his life, what makes him happy: his friends!! The same that we all love, he is another army with this post. That’s what maybe was J-Hope’s birthday celebration: just they 4 doing silly stuff, laughing theirs hearts out, drinking and loving each other. Maybe. Or maybe what he desired it to be. Who knows… Ok Tae, thank you. We love them too.

That’s all.

Keep the spirit up, fellow army’s, and enjoy life and love.

J.

is it that hard?- j.hs

genre: fluff, pining, f2l, mild angst and heavy suggestive content (13k)

summary: suddenly, hoseok being just your friend and waking up with five words swirling in your head, that you are sure you have never heard anyone utter before, both stop making any sense.

all works in the series can be real individually.

masterlist   series masterlist (colors universe)

it was a normal day.

a completely normal day.

you woke up and went to work with uninterested steps only to find some relief in your boring routine when your best friend greets you right by the elevator with a cup of coffee that he knows you will crave.

“you are a lifesaver” you thanked him with a grateful smile and he nodded with the ever-present grin on his face, even bowing like a prince to be further dramatic which made you laugh.

you both walked to your cubicles, excitedly filling each other in on whatever show you were watching the previous night.

hoseok, quite literally, was the reason you got up in the morning. since he was a morning person, he called you right when he woke up because he knows that alarms are useless for you, and by the time you come to work, he’s either waiting for you at the elevator or in the break room, sometimes with coffee that he knows you will need. he always guessed on when you need it more, if you ever sounded especially tired during your call, he did you one better and gets you a bagel too because that’s just hoseok, ever so giving and loving.

the way you met was nothing extraordinary, he was introduced as the new member of your department and your utter lack of enthusiasm in the meeting had amused hoseok, he had silently laughed under his breath when you rolled your eyes at the irritating manager who kept dragging on his speech, that was the moment he knew that you two would get along.

that particular second or two, as you rolled your eyes, hoseok felt like a feather, his body got lighter as his tension faded away and his smile grew wider and that moment was etched in his mind, that temporary relief of seeing something real in all the robotic faces around him, he doesn’t think he will ever forget that. in his defense, you always remember how you meet a friend, especially a friend like you.

hoseok was a polite person, never hostile in his behavior or in the way he talked, he was always smiling but as much as hoseok was smiling on the outside, his co-workers annoyed the hell out of him and it seemed like you didn’t try to hide your annoyance unlike him and that’s how you became friends, he made a snide remark about an over-enthusiastic member on his team and you burst out laughing.

hoseok liked being the reason for your laugh then; that hasn’t changed.

“i can’t believe her, honestly” you shook your head as your eyes narrowed down on the topic of your conversation, kang mina. “why would she even expect me to do over-time just for the pathetic little project that she was supposed to be done with ages ago?” you continued to complain as hoseok snickered beside you. “she did the same thing to me, with our last project, i was so close to banging my head into my screen” he threw a petty glare at her and that’s exactly when she decided to turn around.

you held back a snicker as his glare comically melted into a polite nod and smile to her, he really couldn’t be rude to anyone.

and when she gave him a forced smile back, you could tell it took everything in him to not scowl at her. she turned to you, but she just nodded, she knew better than to expect a greeting from you.

“anyway, that stupid company camp trip they do is only days away now and i just want this project to be over by then, i want to properly relax this time around” you sighed as you leaned on the table behind you and hoseok raised his eyebrows at you.

“they announced it already?”

“yeah, only two days ago though, they will probably e-mail us later about it. i am definitely going this time” you nod determinedly. “this is a first, you are always the quickest to refuse the invitation for over two years now” hoseok recalls how adamant you were about not going as he stirred his coffee; he had tried everything he could to convince you to come but you didn’t budge.

‘i already see these people way more than i should, i’m not spending my precious vacation with them too’ is what you had said in finality then and hoseok, though dejected, had gone by himself, his extroverted nature made it easy for him to blend in with them but he wouldn’t admit it to you that he constantly pondered over how fun it would have been if you went with him.

“i thought it over and it can’t be that bad, you know? it’s free food and free stay for a few days in the countryside, and i heard that they’re taking a really sweet resort this time around. besides, you will be there so i want to try it this time” hoseok ignored how his heart skipped a beat when you mentioned him as one of the reasons you wanted to go, he reasoned to himself that you wanted him there, because he was, well, your friend. your best friend.

and he had no right to feel sad over the fact that you were just his best friend.

“i’m going too, so this should be fun” he hums as he excuses himself and leaves the break room, you blink confusedly as he moves hurriedly but shrug it off, thinking he must have something important to do.

that day, you reach home and fall on your sofa in a lump, not even removing your coat as you stretch yourself to relieve the tension collected in your neck and shoulders.

you groaned as you gathered the sheets around you to finally fall asleep that day and your phone dinged to alert you of a message.

‘good night pookie<3’ it read and it was from none other than hoseok, a smile immediately grew on your face as you recalled the first time hoseok had called you that, it took you by surprise then but you didn’t feel disgusted by it as you did with most nicknames. somehow, from him, it didn’t sound like the worst thing in the world.

you quickly texted him back and your smile remained as you slipped into a deep slumber.

and suddenly, it wasn’t a normal day anymore.

in the middle of the night, as the wind from your window that you forgot to close chilled your room, you kept tossing and turning as your skin heated up unnaturally, your sheets no longer being a comfort but a nuisance, you kicked them off somewhere in the middle of the night but you still were stuck in a place between the deepest sleep you’ve ever had to the most awake you’ve ever been. your pillow felt like a rock and your head felt two thoughts away from exploding into a million pieces.

but you stayed asleep, stubborn and adamant to get some rest, and it was miles away from a good sleep, but sleep nonetheless.

the following morning, you woke up with a start, sitting up as soon as you opened your eyes and placing a hand on your abnormally racing heart.

because it’s always been you.

where did that come from?

you couldn’t think of anything but those five words that stayed circling in your still tired mind, but you have never heard them in all your life, you don’t remember anyone telling you anything remotely as affectionate as that but somehow it seems like your mind is convinced that you have heard it and that you need to keep remembering those five words particularly.

you felt disoriented, you weren’t used to having such a restless sleep nor were you used to your heart beating out of its cage or even your sweaty palms.

“what the hell?” you whisper to yourself as you look around your room in a hurry, trying to scan for anything that could have made you feel this unsettled.

nothing looked out of place, everything looked the same. you unconsciously patted yourself to find your forehead and eyebrows lined with beads of sweat that you wiped away with your already sweaty palms.

what was going on?

as you frowned at your state and started moving around your bed in a daze, the shrill sound of your ringtone made you jump before groaning at how stupid you must look right now and grabbing it harshly from the bedside table.

“good morning pookie” hoseok greeted in a sing-song tone with a rough voice, having just woken up a while ago, as soon as you answered his call.

because it’s always been you.

you don’t answer hoseok and silence continues between you two as you frown yet again, trying to zero in on those five words and why you can’t get them out of your head.

“pookie...everything okay? do you need five more minutes?” though hoseok’s sentence starts with worry for you, it fades into a more playful tone as he thinks that maybe you just didn’t want to get up today.

“yeah, yes, everything is…alright, everything is the same, as it’s always been” you ramble as you try to convince yourself that these were just words, you will eventually forget them but you still couldn’t understand why your skin burned the way it did or why your chest suddenly felt like it was out of air.

“…well, i’m glad you are up, it would have been a pain to wake you up again. see you at work then, get your ass up and get ready soon” hoseok sounds unsure, not knowing what to make of your rambling because you never talk this much in the morning but he decides to let it go for now.

“see you at work, hobi” you say in a small voice, cutting the call and falling back on your bed with a thud and you solidify in your head that no one would know about this until you figure it out yourself.

it was a normal day.

a completely normal day.

at least that’s what it was before your chest filled with the weight of something that wasn’t heavy per se, just an uneasy fluttering that didn’t go away.

-

you tiredly leaned your body on the printer as it churned out pages that you needed to revise for your project, your eyes kept falling shut as the lack of sleep caught up to you.

because it’s always been you.

there it was again.

constantly revolving, wavering in your head, and refusing to be forgotten.

words that you have never uttered or heard someone else utter.

“there you are! i’ve been looking everywhere for you” you heard in the distance but you didn’t move or respond, your body stayed on the printer as its slow buzz and the gentle clattering of pages against each other served as a lullaby to you.

because it’s always been you.

you groaned, turning your head away with your eyes sealed shut, hoping that ignoring it would make it go away.

“hello” hoseok sang as he stepped closer to you but he paused immediately when he saw your knitted eyebrows and shut eyes.

because it’s always been you.

he stepped in front of you, thinking that you would at least see him then but you seemed way too lost in whatever you were thinking to register his presence, so hoseok tugged on your hand, his touch as gentle as ever.

because it’s always been-

your eyes snapped open, breath coming out in a rush as you looked around you, just like you did in the morning. when you see hoseok in front of you, you don’t know why you do it. maybe you were exhausted, maybe you were just sick of thinking of those five words, maybe the night of no sleep was catching up to you, but your body falls on him as a sigh of relief escapes you, quiet as ever, your body was looking to seek any kind of relief you could get and your palms curl on his dress shirt, and hoseok freezes.

his arms stay in the air as his body stays alert at the sudden contact but hoseok scolds himself, he was your friend and you were not feeling well so he had to quit acting like this was the first time you both have ever hugged, hell you both have come close to cuddling when you were drunk sometimes so he sucked a long breath and his arms wrapped around you, his palms gently patting your body to calm down.

he didn’t ask why you were this way; he didn’t ask even when you moved away from him, seemingly still in a daze, and left the room with papers bunched up in your arms, hoseok never asked because he didn’t want to make whatever you felt, worse. that was the last thing he wanted.

and frankly, his body betrayed him the second you touched him. he would never tell another living soul that he had to clutch his chest to calm his racing heart before leaving the copy room himself.

-

“damn, really? how much are they spending this time around?” you overhead from your cubicle and your interest peaked as you listened in carefully.

because it’s always been you.

you shake your head to forget about that right now, you were way more interested in what your colleagues were talking about.

“yeah, i didn’t believe it myself but seems like they want to do better than our rival company, so they are going all-out this time” you squinted your eyes as you tried to figure out what it could mean, and when you looked up again, they were looking right at you with a frown.

you frowned right back at them.

fine, eavesdropping wasn’t great but it wasn’t a crime either, they didn’t have to look at you like you killed someone.

they started whispering to each other as they bundled their work into their arms along with their coffee cups, heading into the break room while throwing dirty looks at you.

and you glared right back at them, leaning back and groaning as soon as they completely left your vision. you rolled back in your chair to hit against hoseok’s chair, startling him and moved your chair to his side. his figure momentarily froze as you invaded his space, before loosening up to lean into your side.

“do you know what they were talking about?” you whispered, for dramatic effect. you didn’t need to, considering that most of the people around you went for their break but hoseok played along with you anyway.

“who?” he whispered back.

you pointed, as sneakily as you could, towards the two girls who acted like you set their hair on fire by listening in on them. hoseok leaned forward, even more, to catch who you were showing and your throat closed up when you felt his breath right by your cheek.

he moved away as quickly as he had come forward but your breath stayed caught in your throat, your hands reached to scratch your neck nervously as your skin got warmer than necessary.

because it’s always been you.

“no, i wasn’t listening to them, i had my headphones in. but they look very pissed and keep pointing at you” he informed you and you took full offense to it, completely forgetting how flustered you were just seconds ago. “i listened to one conversation, only for two minutes, i swear hobi, i don’t know what that did to them, they won’t stop looking at me like i kicked their puppy.” you complained to him and he hid his grin at your whiney tone.

hoseok’s eyebrows shot to the sky as you started getting up, with obvious irritation on your face and he immediately sat up straighter, looking around to find where your eyes were throwing daggers.

“hey, you two.” he heard you say loudly, obviously directed at the two girls, his eyes widened as you pinned them down with a glare. “i don’t think this is a good idea, maybe we sh-“ he starts to say, as always, trying to defuse the situation and even tugs on the hem of your skirt to try and get your attention.

but you are running on no sleep, you have been annoyed since the second you woke up and these girls were grinding on your nerves.

“do we have a problem?” in contrast to your words, you have a polite smile on your face because you, if not anything, are professional, at least that’s what you always tell hoseok. but anyone with eyes and ears could see that you were so close to losing it on those two.

hoseok is stuck somewhere between being proud that you don’t take shit from anyone and petrified about your manager finding out.

he can only exhale in relief when you sit back down and turn to him with a smile. and hoseok smiles back easily, even if the lingering fear of your manager stays, it looked like you didn’t care so he let it go.

“so yeah, where was i? they were talking about something having a huge budget this time and how our company is competing with the rival company, that’s all i got before they left” you rambled on as if the last five minutes didn’t happen as if you didn’t just subtly threaten your colleagues and hoseok is yet again amused by you.

“i think it’s about the camping trip”

“there’s a budget for it this time?”

“yeah, didn’t you know? they are planning some fancy evening event too, i just hope it’s not mandatory to attend” he shakes his head as he says it, if he hated anything in the world, it was stuffy suits. he much preferred his comfortable style of baggy jeans and trendy t-shirts.

“i am looking forward to it, there’s this dress that i’ve been dying to wear since i got it but i haven’t had anything to wear it to” hoseok knew exactly which dress you were talking about, you had excitedly face timed him to show him the dashing hot pink dress that you got on one of your impulsive shopping trips.

hoseok has been dying to see you in the dress too.

but he can’t say anything about it, he can’t tell you all the thoughts he had the second you showed him the dress.

all he can do is smile tightly at your excitement and pray that you don’t notice anything.

because it’s always been you.

-

“they are taking forever to load these bags, hell i would do it quicker” you stand with your arms crossed, a semi-permanent scowl resting on your face that hoseok laughs at. “they are almost done, besides look at what i got” he opens his backpack wide, showing you the various snacks he packed and wiggles his eyebrows at you and you gasp in delight.

“you perfect son of a bitch” you reach out to grab some of the snacks and smile so wide at them that hoseok’s not sure if you are talking about him or the snacks.

he’s guessing it’s the snacks and he’s 100% right.

but he watches happily as you continue to gush about your favorite peach-flavored drinks and chocolates that you know you will devour immediately. somewhere in the middle of your happy trance, you glance up to catch him staring at you already with the fondest look on his face.

“what?” you ask, never really knowing how to read a room and hoseok immediately snaps out of it, shaking his head with a nervous smile.

“it just seems like you love the snacks more than me” he pretends to be hurt, cradling his chest with sniffles as fake as your eyelashes, and you roll your eyes with an involuntary smile, “that was never in question.”

and soon, after a little longer of your constant complaints about the bags, everyone started boarding the bus and you got on last, looking everywhere to find yourself a seat in the packed bus.

there were empty seats, but they were next to people that you had no interest in sitting next to, most of them would chew your ears out and you didn’t want to get violent in a moving bus. just then, you saw hoseok’s hand waving you to him and you made your way to him.

“saved you a seat” he offered, getting up and showing you the window seat which you happily settled into. “don’t you like window seats too?” you asked, fiddling with the scarf in your hands and hoseok shrugged. “on the way back, i’ll take it. for now, you relax” he sang the last line and slumped into his seat. your heart warmed at his thoughtfulness and once you caught onto how you didn’t stop staring at him, you quickly jerked your head away and leaned it onto the bus window.

the ride was bumpy, which you expected given the less-than-perfect road leading to the resort situated somewhere in the middle of the hill. your body was thrown in a different direction every time the bus took a turn and it irritated your half-asleep state, your head was starting to hurt from how many times it hit the window but one particularly harsh bump landed your head on something warm and soft.

you sighed happily and nuzzled carefully into the warmth being offered and felt a weight on the top of your head that you blissfully ignored.

because it’s always been you.

-

after another hour or so, the bus finally halts and you stir awake once you feel the weight on your head vanish, you yawn loudly as you stretch your legs under your seat and look up to see hoseok awake but he looks a lot closer than he was when you first started.

hoseok, on the other hand, was freaking out because he woke up with your head on his shoulder, both your arms tangled somewhere in the middle of your bodies, and his head was resting on yours. he almost jumped in surprise but then paused at the realization that he would wake you up.

he watches with his breath caught in his throat as you slowly sit up and move your arms around to relax them, he didn’t know what you were thinking, he didn’t want to know if it was anything remotely close to disgust.

“good morning” you gave him a tired smile and he nodded, waiting to see if you were going to say anything else but you don’t. you don’t even seem to acknowledge that you both were pressed against each other for the past hour or so, he isn’t sure how to feel about that.

“it looks lovely, doesn’t it?” you ask him, and he leans forward to look out the window. his gaze shifts to the resort where you will be staying for the next few days. you were right, it was quite lovely, it was covered with pastel flowers and had vines growing on its sides and it looked massive with a vintage touch to its exterior.

“we should get going” he mumbles suddenly, his voice unusually stoic as he hastily gets up and starts packing his coat and scarf into his backpack. “hobi, there’s no rush, half the people in the front haven’t even gotten off” you tell him, and he looks at the door to see that you were, once again, right. everyone was standing up to leave now so it was starting to get crowded at the door but hoseok couldn’t stay around you, this close, for much longer. he doesn’t trust his mind or body too much when they are with you.

so, he ignores what you say and marches down the bus length while murmuring apologies to the people he was softly pushing out of the way. you stare at him as he gets down the bus, confused and annoyed because he could have just waited and then gotten down, you would have gotten down with him but you let it go, thinking that the travel must have been exhausting for him.

you take in the view with a deep breath and an easy smile on your face, the sun was shining as bright as ever, but the wind quickly proved to be too cool for you to stay and enjoy for too long so you made your way along the rocks to the resort.

because it’s always been you.

people greeted you as you entered the cottage to which you tried to give your most professional smile, the lobby was packed with everyone you knew from work and you already felt suffocated when you pushed around to get your room key.

“a suite room?” you frowned at the lady at the reception and she nodded, you shook your head at her, there was no way your company spent that much money on you alone, there had to be a catch. you heard your manager, ms. ahn’s, voice calling out to you, to which you turned around and bowed when she approached you.

“i hope you got some sleep on that bus, we have a campfire planned in the next few hours and i look forward to seeing you there” she smiled warmly but you knew what that meant, it was compulsory to attend and you had no way out of it. “can’t wait” you answered, not trying to hide your sarcasm, “also, is everyone getting a suite room?” you asked, lifting your key.

ms. ahn looked at you like you were crazy and you hesitantly lowered your key.

“everyone is sharing a room because you know how a budget works” ms. ahn laughed heartily and you wanted to pull her eyes out because you knew for a fact that she got one of the biggest rooms there and she was staying alone. “then who am i staying with?”

“hoseok, you two seem close so i thought it best for you to share a room” then she walks away to greet the others who have arrived, your eyes land on her key while your feet stay frozen on the ground.

not only was it incredibly unprofessional for her to just assume you would be okay with sharing a room with him, but it also drove you insane that she had the best room in the entire cottage, complete with three rooms in the premium suite room all to herself.

and it wasn’t like you didn’t want to share a room with hoseok, given the choice, you would probably choose him over everyone else too, but you would have appreciated it a lot more if you had been told about this before. you didn’t particularly want to walk around hoseok in your booty shorts.

you couldn’t do anything now; you couldn’t argue with your manager nor did you want to stay with anyone else, so you sucked in a deep breath and walked to your room.

you opened the door to find a reasonably sized lounge area with a television, gaming consoles attached to it, and a singular couch, you sighed out in relief when you found two rooms in the suite instead of one like you had feared.

“i was worried about the same thing” you heard hoseok say from his doorway, “don’t get me wrong, i just prefer sleeping like a starfish at night” he plops down on the couch and pats the spot next to him, you scurry to sit down next to him and groan as you feel your muscles appreciate the softness of a sofa instead of a bus seat.

hoseok had gone as pale as a ghost when he was first told about the both of you sharing a room, he was so terrified of the thought that he had rushed to the room to check what it was like and much like you, found relief in the two separate bedrooms in the suite but there was also a tinge of disappointment he felt, that you didn’t.

because while he did not trust himself around you, he also knew that somewhere in him, a small (big) part of him would have been ecstatic to have you that close.

but he gave himself a pep talk before you arrived, he was going to do everything in his power to ignore his feelings, he was going to ignore how his heart jumped whenever you smiled at something he said, he was going to ignore that you were right next door to him, he was going to ignore all of his thoughts for this week.

-

“sometimes, i look in her eyes, and that’s where i find, a glimpse of us” a co-worker sang loudly as he strummed the guitar, his face was lit up by the crackling campfire in the middle of the circle you were all sat in.

you were not going to lie, he had a good voice and his guitar was somewhat soothing in the calm of the night but you were getting bored, the alcohol in your cup had run out hours ago and you were too lazy to go and get a refill.

hoseok, on the other hand, was having the time of his life, harmonizing with the guy who was singing and swaying lightly with the people sitting beside him. he looked happy, you noted with a smile on your face, and then it was like you couldn’t look away from hoseok.

you liked seeing him happy, you liked seeing him sway without a care in the world, you had always liked seeing hoseok, you had always liked hoseok.

but he was especially pleasant to look at today and he didn’t even do anything. he was wearing a cream cardigan with a black t-shirt and sweatpants so, it wasn’t a special look at all, just something he would wear at home too.

you couldn’t look away though, it didn’t matter that it wasn’t special, it didn’t matter that it was the most ordinary outfit you had seen him in, it didn’t matter that hoseok was only your friend. seemingly at that moment, nothing mattered more than hoseok and the fire basking his face in a glow, you weren’t sure you would ever be able to forget this hoseok.

hoseok, your friend.

because it’s always been you.

you had never looked at him this way and every laugh that left his lips made you question if you had ever made him laugh like that and if you did,

why was the sound so much more precious to you now?

why did you want to sit beside him, share the cardigan and sway with him?

why did he suddenly feel so far away?

why was your heart beating out of your chest from just looking at him?

why was this minute different from all the other hours that you’ve spent with hoseok?

you aren’t sure why your eyes tear up, you don’t even notice until your hands reach to wipe them off, you aren’t sure why everyone looked and felt so happy around you and even if nothing was wrong, you didn’t feel it. the last time you felt like this, five words had been stuck in your mind with no escape and that feeling of beautiful breathlessness had returned with a vengeance.

you take a shaky breath in, force your eyes away from hoseok and his otherworldly glow, and focus on the burning pit in front of you with more resignation than you would admit to.

unbeknownst to you, hoseok had been noticing your every move from the corner of his eyes, since you both have been sitting opposite each other, and concern for you filled his every crevice when he saw you wipe away tears, he did not know that it was because of him or for him, he had no knowledge that you had started looking at him the way he looked at you, he only knew that you were crying and he couldn’t wipe your tears away.

his eyes snap up to see you swiftly excuse yourself and leave the place with arms folded across your chest, he doesn’t even think before he hurriedly gets up himself and follows you aimlessly. you stop at the lake which was barely illuminated by the moonlight and your body stays tense as you stare emptily at the water body in front of you.

you hate the way you feel, the slow tightening of your chest was unfamiliar and uncomfortable with a realization that you weren’t ready to face.

because it’s always been you.

“his singing was that bad, huh?” hoseok stepped beside you after giving you a minute to yourself, till he couldn’t just stand and look at you, not being your usual self at all. you let out a tired chuckle and ready yourself to see hoseok, more beautiful than usual, without making it too obvious how you were looking at him.

“i wish he just stopped when his voice cracked singing jingle bells” you retorted and his loud cackle of a laugh, that you had grown to love, had filled the area and you quickly accept that you loved his sound more than any calm in the world. “it’s the middle of fucking august” you throw your hands up, your smile growing when the place rings with his laughter again.

so, you could make him laugh like they did, even louder actually, and that fills you with pride you didn’t recognize.

it all dies down to a dull hum in the atmosphere, a little too loud of silence for two people who would spend hours and hours talking.

“i like your cardigan” you blurt out, wanting to desperately fill in the silence somehow and hoseok raises his eyebrow at you with a pleased smile. “you can have it” he offers it so easily but then again; you shouldn’t have forgotten how selfless hoseok was.

“no, no” you shook your head, you didn’t want the cardigan, you wanted the man wearing it. “i meant, i like it on you” you correct yourself and swiftly glance away to look at the branches swaying lightly in the wind, even if the absence of light made you strain your eyes.

hoseok does a double-take at your words.

his entire body feels warm and he wants to run away because he can’t have you see him all flustered and flabbergasted over the simplest compliment.

could you perhaps feel the same way?

a fleeting thought comes across his mind and he instinctively turns to you for confirmation, with renowned hope but when all he meets is your eyes far away from him and the familiar disappointment he’s felt since his heart grew a second beat for you, he recoils and immediately scolds himself for even having that thought.

“don’t compliment me all too much, it will get to my head” he tries to joke but his voice comes out weird, what his face could hide, his voice really couldn’t but you don’t notice, you are busy with hiding your own face.

“i take it back, that cardigan will look better on me” you retort, you never could let someone win a round, and hoseok bites back laughter at your wittiness as he shakes his head, disagreeing with you and you gasp, because how dare he but you clamp your mouth shut as he starts shrugging the cardigan off.

you can’t help how you hold your breath when he steps forward and drapes it over your shoulders.

he nods with a smile you’ve never seen him sport before.

“it does look better on you.”

-

“and that’s five for me!” you screech excitedly after you, once again, beat hoseok at mario kart. he just sighs in faux disappointment and drops his console, though a small smile threatens to sneak on his face at how happy you sound.

“i can’t believe how horrible you are at this” you continue to tease him and hoseok doesn’t want to break your bubble by admitting that he’s been letting you win from the start.

tekken, he just made the weakest moves and didn’t dodge your attacks, he found it cute when you kept wincing in pain as your avatar took a hit or two.

racing cars, he intentionally kept bumping into the sidelines and delaying his obvious speed over you.

wwe, well, he didn’t even try for that, just pressed one button so you wouldn’t get suspicious and let you beat his avatar to a pulp.

and everyone knew hoseok was a genius at mario kart, so he let you take all the power-ups and sat back to watch you win again and again.

“i can’t believe how horrible i am at this either” hoseok really couldn’t believe how ridiculous he got over you, he never let anyone win but you, he wouldn’t even try to take a win away from you.

“that was fun, we should do this again so you can watch me beat your ass every single time” you hummed, as you fell back on the couch beside him, still giddy from winning and he scowls playfully, “as if you will win next time” he argues, knowing damn well that he will let you win next time too.

you smack his arm with a pillow and hoseok, being the dramatic guy he is, falls on the ground while clutching his arm while you hold back laughter on the couch.

you were glad you both weren’t acting any different after what happened at the campfire. that night, you got no sleep, you continuously wrapped the cardigan around you while images of hoseok’s soft voice and smile kept you up all night. hoseok already knew that he had crossed a line he never should have so as soon as you got up, he tried to act as casual as he could and convinced you to stay in and play games with him, and somewhere in the middle of the excitement of playing, the previous night slipped your mind but now, it was back.

and you were back to not being able to forget how he looked at you again.

hoseok stayed on the floor and patted the spot next to him, and without a word, you laid down next to him, and when he shifted to lay on his side so he could look at you better, your head lulls to instinctively fall on his shoulder.

you felt warm, you felt safe and you felt, as cliché as it sounds, complete.

you felt complete with hoseok.

because it’s always been you.

you meet his eyes which were already on you and both of you burst into giggles, you don’t know why you are laughing, but you were and it felt like the rest of the world closed in you two, suddenly nothing else seemed to matter other than the smile you kept on each other’s faces.

and right now as you slumped on his shoulder with quiet laughs escaping your lips, hoseok wishes for nothing more, for the rest of his life. he realizes nothing made him feel more accomplished in life than seeing you happy because of him.

you felt it too, the residual feelings of the previous night catching up with a vengeance and you had to turn your head away.

you couldn’t risk giving away how you felt about him, you couldn’t give away how your eyes were drowning him in pink, you couldn’t give away that you wanted to drown in that pink with him.

because it’s always been you.

“should i go and get us something to eat?” he finally broke the silence, but he broke it with a whisper, a whisper that traveled down your spine and made you squirm in your spot. “that would be nice, yeah” you whisper back with a gulp and your eyes stay trained on the revolving fan above you as hoseok gets up and leaves the room.

a long breath pushes out of your body, it was like every single time you were around hoseok these days, your breath voluntarily stayed fighting in your body, even your breath was scared of being found out by hoseok.

then you close your eyes and wish for your heart to stop him from taking a hold of it any longer.

-

hoseok scrolls through his phone, waiting for the food he ordered at the small restaurant beside the resort, looking through movies and shows you would like to watch while eating.

“ah, hoseok!” he heard and turned around to see his co-worker chaeyoung and her friend walking towards him, he bows politely with a smile and they do the same. “you are getting breakfast now?” she asks him when the waiter places his order on the counter and he nods, “yeah, it’s for me and y/n” he doesn’t even realize he’s smiling as he says that.

“see, he won’t go anywhere without them” chaeyoung complains playfully, narrowing her eyes at him and he tilts his head in confusion. “haha, w-what do you mean by that?” hoseok’s voice is tight as he asks this and his laugh is fake as ever.

“we were supposed to go apple picking this morning and you told us you couldn’t, we were all wondering why but obviously, you have better plans” she teases him with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

right, the apple picking.

that he never told you about.

call him selfish but after the campfire, he couldn’t resist not being around you and he also knew that you wouldn’t like apple picking so he never ended up telling you, it wasn’t just to keep you with him.

at least, that’s what hoseok likes to believe.

“i was just tired, it has nothing to do with them” hoseok tries to backtrack and make up an excuse but he knows that chaeyoung wasn’t listening to a word out of his mouth. “whatever you say, hoseok” she sang before leaving him to himself.

later, it was hoseok’s turn to stay sleepless throughout the night, his baby pink t-shirt, out of nowhere, felt too tight on his body.

because it’s always been you.

-

massages were always a good idea but with kang mina biting your ear off with reminders of all the work you have to do, you would have rather just kept your tense shoulders to yourself.

“and don’t forget to send me that update on friday, i need it on my table as soon as we go back” this was the fourth time she was telling you about it and you wanted to turn the table over her head. “yes, i remember what you told me ten minutes ago” you gritted with a forced smile and almost smiled genuinely when the masseuse got to kneading the knots in your back but it quickly dropped as mina started talking again. “well, you tend to be quite forgetful, so this is just precaution,” she says it so casually that it infuriates you even more.

where was hoseok when you needed him?

normally, you would pick a fight with her (and win) but she was your leader for this particular project and you didn’t want to risk being responsible for overtime so you just nodded stiffly and threw your head on the soft table with a thud.

a few hours since you were all called for massages and you were separated from hoseok, you were already going crazy. you truly didn’t understand the depth the hate for your co-workers ran until you spent one solid hour with them in a stuffy, warm room filled with the smell of aroma oils.

“also, how’s it going on with you and hoseok?” mina asks, her tone a lot more careful and her volume almost a whisper, you whip your head at her. “what about me and him?” you didn’t mean to sound so defensive but it came out that way. and with the way mina was looking at you, you knew your response wasn’t normal.

“aren’t you two dating? i’m just asking what it is like?” first of all, you weren’t aware that mina felt close enough to ask you about your personal life, and second of all, your brain was short-circuited as she asked that.

even though the thought of you both dating coming from another person’s mouth, sounded good to you.

what were you doing?

hoseok was your friend.

“we are not dating, i don’t know why you would think that” you quickly dismiss it and mina shrugs, “everyone thinks that” and turns her head away before you could ask anything else.

-

you walk back to your room in a daze, a daze of both the spectacular massage (that you could finally enjoy towards the end) and also rushing thoughts of what mina said.

you looked around you, the room was filled with people you knew and you wondered if she was right, you wondered if all of them, giving you friendly smiles and waves, thought that you and hoseok were exclusive.

and you weren’t sure what to feel, sure it would explain why no one would flirt with either of you, but it didn’t make you any calmer about your already unsure and raging feelings for hoseok.

speaking of the devil himself, you felt an arm crash onto your shoulder from behind, you didn’t even bother looking at who it was, you already knew.

“i swear to god, that masseuse just gave me five extra lives, his hands were magic, literally magic” he raved about his massage and you couldn’t bring yourself to excitedly share details about your massage too, you couldn’t get it out of your head that hoseok was giving them confirmation for whatever they thought.

you nervously looked back up to meet the eyes of your manager who smirked at you and hoseok’s arm around your shoulder, and maybe if you were in the right mind, you would know that she was giving her usual, employee-friendly smile, you would know that she wasn’t thinking of you and hoseok at all.

but you weren’t in your right mind, hoseok’s hand on you suddenly felt heavier than it ever did before, it held the weight of your co-worker’s whispers, it held the weight of your growing heart for him, and the heaviest of all, it held the weight of everything you were scared of ruining if you ever told him.

you were stuck between wanting to simultaneously feel this weight forever and never feel it again.

it used to be light as a feather, a pastel pink bubble you could float in, a reassurance in your demanding workplace, a friend you could count on for everything, and now, it was still all that and so much more than you could handle.

“we should go and get ready quickly, the party starts soon” your voice was odd, tight and nothing like how you talked to hoseok, none of the warmth you held for him reflected in your voice and he must’ve noticed too because his arm slowly slips away, you were left both in relief and yearning at his movement.

“is everything okay? did something happen?” he says with so much concern in his eyes, that you almost let loose of every resolve you’ve held onto and in that quick second, you could have spilled your love for him on the floor.

you loved hoseok.

you are not sure you ever loved him as a friend.

you swallow tightly, you loved hoseok, you finally admitted that to yourself while he scanned your face and body for something that could be bothering you. you would never see him like this again if you told him, you would be ruining everything if he even got the slightest hint of what you truly thought of him.

“just don’t want to be late” you offer a weak smile and walk away as hoseok starts to say something, you needed to get out, you needed to stay away before you ruined the both of you.

you needed to do everything you could to keep him in your life, even if it meant burying your heart six feet underground.

because it’s always been you.

-

you got ready in a robotic manner, styling your hair in a practiced way and putting on your favorite dress ever, and for makeup, you switched from your usual basic look to a smokey eye and dark, red lips that you hoped would give you enough confidence to just finish one more day around hoseok without wobbling at your knees.

you stared at yourself in the mirror, you looked prettier than ever, and still, something felt off. you were restless, scared of all the possibilities that would appear in the next 24 hours that you had to stay with him. nevertheless, you forced a smile on your face and decided you were going to have fun tonight and that you were going to stay far away from hoseok until you left this place.

“you ready?” a knock sounded through your door and you swallowed nervously, grabbed your heels, and made your way out.

your heels almost fell on the floor once you saw hoseok.

you had never seen hoseok so dressed up but with his classy black trousers, satin black shirt with a matching jacket on top, and a thin necklace dangling off his neck, you wanted to run back into your room and stay there until he got himself out of that outfit.

hoseok could sense the tense atmosphere, he could see the difference in the very way you breathed around him now, he could see how you shifted from foot to foot as you stood with your heels in your hands. but hoseok didn’t know how to ask you about it, how could he ask you when he too was scared of what you would say?

he wouldn’t know what to do if you said it was nothing, that the way you stared at him up and down was just a friendly appreciation, hoseok would rather carry his heart to a grave than hear you say that to him.

“i just need to put on my heels” your delayed response isn’t lost on him but he nods, pursing his lips and watching you try and push your feet into those heels that he was sure would be torturous.

he watched you struggle, hobbling on one foot as the other foot struggled to push itself completely into the heels, “fuck, they fit just last week, what the fuck happened?” you muttered, still trying to put it on with less grace than you would’ve liked.

and before you knew it, hoseok had taken several steps forward to lend his shoulder for your support and you don’t think as you grab onto his shoulder firmly, strapping the heel properly and sighing out. you shift onto the next foot and finish putting it on too, squeezing your hand around his shoulder tighter whenever you had to.

you puff out a breath of relief as you lift your head to look at hoseok again, and he’s looking down on you, his eyes swirling with something you could only describe as intense. the hand on his shoulder starts to fall away as your breath becomes shallow, but his hand quickly reaches to grip yours, making sure that it didn’t move away from his body.

because it’s always been you.

because it’s always been you.

because it’s always been you.

you opened your mouth to speak, to say something, to ask him why you had never seen his eyes that way but all words were stuck in your throat as you stay frozen in his steady glare on you.

hoseok couldn’t move his hand away, he couldn’t breathe, he hadn’t been able to even think since you stepped out of your room. he shared the confusion that you had in your eyes but something in him hit against his very surface, begging to be let out.

should he risk it?

should he risk the friendship he valued so much?

was it worth it to even give you this small confirmation of how he felt?

to make things worse for his poor mind and heart, you stepped forward too, refusing to look away and the hand on his shoulder slid down, slowly, unsurely, with a stutter in every glide but reaching to flatten against his chest at the end and his hand circled on your wrist as you paused to sense how his heart beat at that minute.

too quick, skipping a few beats here and there, and wanting to burst out of his cage.

much like yours.

because it’s always been you.

hoseok held his breath as your fingers folded against his chest, he thought he was dreaming when you started leaning in or did he lean in first? he wasn’t sure who finally tilted their head to meet each other in the middle but he knew that if you both continued moving the way you were, you were seconds away from kissing.

then, your lips closed on each other, you felt lightheaded, you felt like a trainwreck that you were waiting for, finally crashed spectacularly. he wasn’t even touching you but you could feel licks of fire beneath your skin,  your body felt the urge to touch him, to reach for him while he was this close to you. and every kiss you had before this, longer and filled with more hunger than this one, paled in comparison.

for that one second that you finally kissed him, every other yearning you had for anyone else, felt like nothing but a passing cloud and hoseok, he felt like the ever-present sky.

you wanted to grab his neck, you wanted to gasp into him, you wanted not even a bit of your body to be away from hoseok, you were drowning in pink of your love and need, you wanted to take him down with you.

hoseok’s heart was beating louder and louder, something about knowing that you could feel the way it beat for you too, made him tighten his grip on the hand that rested on his chest now.

like he wanted to tell you, ‘this is what you do to me, this is how you ruin my very anatomy, this is how i know that i can never love someone the way i love you.’

the message he wanted to convey was as desperate as he felt because now that he’s finally gotten a taste of you, he can’t go back from this, he can’t go back to anyone else, he can’t go back to pretending he never had his heart set on you.

feeling especially greedy, his other hand jerked to hold you, to finally feel you in his arms, to savor this moment properly before he could never see you in the same way again, and just like that as if every star in the sky was written against him tonight, the spell broke. you moved away so quickly, so easily slipping past his fingers that have waited to touch you like this forever now.

hoseok was left frazzled, his hand hovered in the air and his other hand dropped to his side in disappointment and his lips stayed still, already missing the warmth and he tried not to feel the drowning in him when he saw you look at him like he had stung you.

this was exactly what he was afraid to see on your face.

the regret.

the possibility of disgust.

he felt sick to his stomach.

you couldn’t believe what you had done, you couldn’t ignore how hoseok’s jaw set tightly or the faint yearning still swimming in his eyes, you knew he was too nice to say anything to you even if he didn’t want it to happen and you couldn’t believe you that you never even asked him.

“hoseok, i’m so sorry” you rushed to say and his face twisted in pain at how you said it.

the regret.

he felt it was too cruel of you to hand over the world to him and then snatch it away before he could hold it.

“i’m so, so sorry, i don’t know what came over me, it happened so fast, and i wasn’t thinking and i’m just so sorry” every word you uttered felt like a new knife digging into his skin, and he almost wanted to get on his knees and beg you to stop talking, to stop apologizing, to stop whatever it is you were doing to him.

hoseok didn’t feel like smiling and brushing it off as he usually would, maybe he would’ve even laughed it off and assured you it was okay but all he could manage to do was stand still and wish that everything before you apologized, remained true, and remained in his memory because that is all he might have now.

“let’s just go to the party, everyone must be waiting” you pushed past him in a hurry and then paused when you noticed something on his face.

the remainder of your red lips was smudged on his.

“you might want to wipe that off” you whispered, pointing to his lips with a face as red as your lipstick, before practically running out of your room, burning with guilt and shame.

and to hoseok, it felt like you were asking him to remove all evidence of whatever happened between you two.

he watched you leave with his twitching hands dug into his pockets, why wasn’t he able to utter even a word? why didn’t he stop you and ask you what it meant? why didn’t he stop you and tell you what he felt? why didn’t hoseok do anything at all except watch you walk away from whatever would change you two forever?

filled with regret, just as you, but also completely different at the same time, he wiped his lips off you and left the room too.

-

the ‘classy’ event was more or less a wild party for professionals to finally let loose and forget about work, even if it was just for a few hours. you were dragged away for drinks as soon as you arrived, and for the first time ever, you felt grateful for your co-workers who took you away.

“where’s hoseok?” chae-young screamed over the music and your blood froze, you had come to forget him and what you did, but it seemed like there was no escaping hoseok wherever you went. your answer to her was a weak shrug and chugging of the drink you held so tightly in your hands now.

knowing that it was free drinks all night, you took the liberty of downing pretty much anything and everything you saw and it wasn’t long before you ended up on the dance floor, surrounded by your drunk co-workers, your manager also joined you all at some point and maybe you would have been irritated when you were sober but you couldn’t bring yourself to care about it right now, the sweet burning in your throat took your mind off everything for a while.

that was until you caught hoseok’s eye from across the room.

normally, you would be the one standing in the corner of the room and watching everyone have fun so it was strange to see hoseok, huddled up with his coat on his shoulder and a drink completely full in his hand with an uncaring air around him, he didn’t smile at anyone who passed by which came as a huge surprise to them.

he didn’t even smile at you, though your eyes caught his multiple times.

and even if you were drunk, even if your senses were brought down to ground zero, you still felt hoseok’s glare somewhere deep in you as your heart slipped and sank continuously. you couldn’t give less of a fuck if someone was ignoring you or didn’t care about you but everything seemed different with hoseok.

all you could care about was hoseok not smiling at you.

hoseok didn’t enjoy a minute of seeing you dance around happily and not being able to dance with you, or not taking shots with you, getting silly drunk with you. he missed it all, dearly but he didn’t move.

he would’ve left but he knew about the creeps that lurked in your company and even if he smiled at them in the office, he wouldn’t hesitate to break their face if they decided to touch you any more than necessary. though he was sure that you would beat him to it. he saw you look at him, several times and a small part of him hoped that you would take him away, kiss him again, tell him that you loved him, hoseok hated you for the enormous hope you gave him with a single kiss.

his heart soared with possibilities but your apology kept him from floating too far away, it kept him tethered to solid ground, a ground where you didn’t seem to love him the way he loved you.

-

once it got too late and alcohol ran out, everyone was ushered out of the ballroom, hoseok set his half-empty glass on a nearby table and waited for you at the entrance.

you came out with flushed cheeks, hair that resembled cotton candy, and a body glazed with sweat, your steps stuttered when you saw him waiting but you didn’t say anything, he didn’t say anything. you both silently walked, you were scared of speaking and hoseok was scared of what more you could say to break his heart.

as you reached your door, hoseok got more and more impatient, with you, with himself, and the world in general.

he has waited hours, days, months, and years for you to look at him the way he looked at you but then you did, even if it was for a minute or two, and ran away before he could do anything about it.

“are you really going to not say anything?” hoseok’s voice stopped you from getting into your room.

“about what?” you breathe out, refusing to turn around and see him because you know that any restraint you have would break loose if you turned around. hoseok scoffed and for the first time ever, he felt angry with you, his heartbreak had morphed into a few ugly emotions that he could no longer contain.

you felt his anger, even many feet away, you felt it seep into your skin but you were hell-bent on protecting your current status with him and your own heart.

“nothing happened, hoseok. good night.” and just as you are about to slip into the comfort of your own room, “at least, look at me when you lie to me” hoseok’s voice was harsh, it sounded way harsher to you because it held the truth that you didn’t want to hear, at least not yet.

but you are just as stubborn, if not even more stubborn than hoseok.

so, you turned around and your knees buckled under you when you saw hoseok’s stony expression, you didn’t know that a single kiss could change someone like this, but behind all the anger, hoseok’s pain was just as noticeable.

you convinced yourself that he wasn’t in pain, that he was just confused about why you would kiss me.

“n-nothing happened, now i am tired, can i go sleep?” you crossed your arms over your chest, trying to look determined and strong but you sounded weak, your voice wasn’t as stubborn as you, it didn’t mind giving away your emotions.

with that, you pushed your door open and left it ajar, as hoseok followed you in with heavy steps, his boots thudding loudly in the otherwise dead silence of the room, the door hitting the wall as he roughly shoved himself inside your space.

he was tired of making himself small and fitting himself to whatever the situation required, he was done making space for others and not himself.

“you don’t think i’m tired? all i’ve been is tired since i’ve met you because you haven’t given me a break, you don’t think i’m tired of feeling like this, like you’re always just one centimeter away from me, like you’re always one step away from becoming mine, how you always take two steps forward with us and ten steps back? you don’t think i’m tired of holding my hopes to the sky, always just wishing that you’ll take me, that you’ll let me have you, that we’ll be something? you don’t think i’m tired of loving you when you don’t love me? do you have any idea how much i have loved you, and how much i will hate myself for loving you even after all this?” hoseok’s voice is loud and travels across the room in heavy waves that drown you, as he finally spills everything that’s been on his mind for months.

because it’s always been you.

and a glimmer of fear still crawled on him about what would happen now but he couldn’t deny how light he felt, he finally said it all.

you did the grave mistake of snatching yourself away from him after giving him you for those few minutes, and that was enough for hoseok to snap, to have you and lose you just like that broke him and he threw his pieces across the room such that they landed right at your feet.

you looked at him, shell-shocked and breathless as ever, the room felt too small for both of your hearts at that moment, yours racing in panic and his racing in anticipation and relief.

hoseok loved you.

you heard it, loud and clear.

why weren’t you saying anything back?

your entire body froze, suddenly no words would make it past your throat and hoseok waited, he waited for you to say something but when you continue to stare at the floor, he swallows and wishes he never said anything at all, he wishes he never saw you in that hot pink dress, he wishes he didn’t love you but there was nothing he could about it now, so he left but not without saying something that pulled you back to life.

“don’t say it was nothing because it was never nothing and we both know that.”

you watched him leave with parted lips and your eyes squeezed shut once the door shut behind him.

because it’s always been you.

you couldn’t deny that hoseok was right, it wasn’t nothing, if you could go back to one moment in your life, even if it changed things forever, you would back to those few minutes that you didn’t see hoseok as a friend but as a man, who you wanted and needed, you would back to that bliss of getting lost in him and him getting lost in you.

you suddenly sat up, realizing that if you didn’t like hoseok (what you’ve been convincing yourself to this whole time), you wouldn’t have kissed him, you wouldn’t have felt that urge to touch him wherever you could.

and you find how cruel you have been to him, how you have been giving him hope only to snatch it away, how you already stained him with all the pink your love had to offer and left him to deal with the stains himself.

hoseok couldn’t stand it, sitting in his room with his hands folded over his knees, it took everything in him to not rush to you and apologize and take back everything he did but he was stubborn for the first time ever, he couldn’t just ignore that you kissed him first, his ego screamed at him that it was you who started it, so you should be the one to end it and hoseok was also sick and tired of having to tip-toe around you and his own feelings.

he was done apologizing for things he didn’t do; he was done smiling and going with the flow, hoseok needed an answer from you and he was going to be hard as a nail about it, nothing could change his mind now.

hoseok was unaware of you heading his way, he jumped when he heard your knock on his door, his heart going back to beating so loudly and so quickly that he had to pat his chest to calm himself down.

he opens the door and his stomach tightens as he prepares himself for whatever you would hand over to him.

he was prepared for you to call it a mistake and request him to move on and be friends, he was prepared to be a friend again because hoseok needed you, in whichever form you would give him.

what he was not prepared for was you pushing into the room and plopping yourself down on the couch in his room with a scowl on your face, you didn’t say anything, just sat there stubbornly with words you weren’t sure you could say out loud.

hoseok noticed your heels, how they were digging into your skin and how you kept pressing into them, how your skin grew pink and blue with bruises, and with a sigh, he bent down in front of you, lifting your ankle and slowly removing the heels for you and every trail his fingers left on your skin, had you sitting straighter. his hand circled your ankle and he worked with the straps, taking his time to detach them.

your blood ran warmer than ever, your head felt dizzy and your lips pursed as you watched hoseok remove your heels, you were sure he could hear the thumping of your heart but you refused to say a word and if anyone understood how hard-headed you could be, it was him so he decided to try his luck one last time.

“i know how stubborn you are,” he said, with more fondness than he would’ve liked, “so i’m going to ask you this, for the final time, do you still think it’s nothing?” his voice was low and rough, laced with exhaustion and yearning. his hands stayed on your ankles, his fingers running circles, in hopes of making you feel what he did.

“if it was nothing, is it that hard for you to say it?” he continued.

“i can’t only look at you anymore, i need to do something, and i am not sure how that will end for us” his words stung like electricity coursing through your veins.

you wanted to kiss him again, you wanted to fall on top of him and let him have you, you wanted to give him everything he wanted. you still didn’t say anything but hoseok saw it, he saw how your face changed from resignation to curiosity, of what would happen if you gave him yourself.

hoseok felt stubborn too, so he pressed on, “i’m not going to move a muscle until you tell me what you are thinking of right now” you lunged forward, reaching to grab him but hoseok held your arms in place, he needed to hear it even if everything in him twitched to have you. “say it and i promise i will always be yours” his face scrunched as he urged you, begged you with his eyes as his fingers left your arms to cup your cheeks and you nuzzled into his palms.

“it wasn’t nothing.” you whispered like it was a secret between the two of you, like you were scared of telling him that secret.

because it’s always been you.

hoseok’s eyebrows raised in amusement at how reluctant you had been to admit to that one thing and he understood the fear you felt, of what could change between you two but now that he knew for you that you liked him too, his face broke into the largest grin as your face stayed unsure.

he leaned forward with a chuckle, fingers threading your hair back, and whispered to you, “goddamit pookie, you are making me do all the work here”, you smiled with him, your heart singing wildly, and said, “that’s how it’s going to be, will you be okay with that?”

though your words held humor, they also held all the questions you wanted to ask him.

will you stay with me when i’m being overbearing?

will you be okay with loving me because i’m deeply flawed?

will we be okay if we do this?

will you love me even if we are ever over because i don’t believe in a world in which you don’t love me?

“there’s not a single thing you could do, that i would not be okay with except kissing me and acting like it didn’t happen” you laughed loudly, partly in embarrassment and also in pure joy at how easy he made it seem. and he grinned at you.

“why?” you couldn’t help but ask.

“because it’s always been you, that my heart has betrayed me for.”

those five words, coming from hoseok, finally had meaning, they finally felt true and you have been hearing them forever but hoseok uttering them with oh so much love in his eyes, it fit the puzzle you had been trying to piece for so long now, perfectly.

a rush of relief went through you at his words, you felt reassured, you felt on top of the world and that you could conquer everything, loving hoseok and hearing that he loved you gave you that rash power.

and today, hoseok was the happiest man in the world.

“i do have something to say,” you clear your throat, finally you felt like you could say what you wanted, “maybe i’ve been ignoring it for too long, maybe you are right, maybe all of this really is not nothing but you need to know that i’m putting my heart on the line here and i’ve never done that before. so help me understand, what i feel, what you feel, i want to know it all now.” hoseok listened carefully and he could feel how much it was hurting you to love someone because it was still so new to you, his heart dipped as you voiced your request, he would give everything in him to make you understand.

“do you trust me?”

“yes” the answer is simple and quick, you would trust hoseok with your life.

“i promise to take good care of your heart, but you can do whatever you want to mine, i don’t care as long as you keep it while I keep yours” you smiled sheepishly at him, your face growing red at his careless but affectionate words.

hoseok meant it, you ruin him, destroy him, tear him apart, he didn’t care anymore, he was blinded by the veil of love you had thrown over his eyes and he never loved seeing nothing but you, more.

“i’m going to kiss you now,” your breath hitched and you stared at him with skin as hot as a furnace, “this time, you are not going to pretend like it didn’t happen, because this is happening and you won’t deny this anymore, you will never call it nothing anymore” he inched closer and closer with every word he spoke, his breath fanning over your face as you shuddered where you sat.

“i really hit a nerve by saying it was nothing, didn’t i?” you teased him and his head fell back in laughter. “i almost bust a nut pookie, never do that to me again” and before you knew it, hoseok’s lips melted into yours, your body lit up in urgency as you sat up, accommodating the way he moved his arms around you only to end up holding your face between his hands.

for everything hoseok wanted to do to you, he seemed to only want to cherish this minute that he had you, even if he was no longer afraid of you running away.

“it was everything i ever wanted” you spoke in between kisses, calling back to his earlier question that you had stayed silent for, now that you told him everything from your fear to love, you no longer wanted to stay quiet.

“good because i’ve waited too long for this” his arm finally gave into his greed and trailed on your hips where he held onto for dear life, as if your hips kept him from floating into the sky, he was desperate to prove to you that every fiber in him, every fiber that pieced him, craved for you, he was starved from being near you and doing nothing all these years.

your hands dipped into his shoulders, fingers fisting his shirt that you could no longer appreciate on him, you needed it on the floor.

and hoseok could always guess what you needed.

he refused to leave your lips as he slightly leaned back to hastily remove his shirt off his body and as soon as it was on the floor, he came rushing back in, his fingers now digging a little deeper into the apples of your cheek and your body burned from within, you felt as hot as you did the night you first heard those five words.

because it’s always been you.

you both had waited too long for this and somewhere in the middle of it all, hoseok’s hands enveloped yours and pressed it onto his chest where his heart bled freely.

“do you understand now?” he asked you.

“do you understand how i feel, do you understand how you feel?” he asked you again, he had no qualms of having to make you understand every day if he had to.

he had never looked more beautiful as he asked that, all stained with the pink of your love and eyes filled with determination to never make you doubt his or your love again.

and finally, you could tell him with confidence, “i do.”

go around - j.hs. (preview)

genre: angst, fluff (childhoodcrush! brother'sbestfriend!) (wc)

summary: to everyone else, he was the sun but to you, he was always the moon, the light you grabbed onto when you could see nothing.

release date: tbd (reply if you want to be added to the taglist!)

-

hoseok was fourteen years old when it happened.

you were ten.

and he had thought he was too cool for you then.

you were sitting on the other side of the mary-go-round to him, it was the last but one day of the summer camp you were part of, and you looked at him as if he hung the moon in the sky.

and hoseok felt as high as the moon that night.

but he was also sick to his stomach.

"i like you," you didn't look at him as you said but hoseok could feel that you meant it, that it took a lot for you to get on that mary-go-round with him, spin with him, build the moon in his eyes and then say the words that he believed were stuck in your throat since when you first saw him.

he knew that your brother wouldn't like that you were saying this.

but he knew, even as a kid, that this was the most honest thing anyone's ever told him.

but he was so cool and so close to your brother, who would kill him if hoseok said anything back.

so, he didn't say anything back.

hoseok pursed his lips and looked away. he swears that, to this day, the tears shining in his eyes were nerves and not the frutsration that came with not being able to hold you to the moon too.

the silent rejection didn't yet hit your soft eyes and bare heart.

you kept looking at him, hands gripping the handles so tight that your knuckles changed shades between white and pink and your cheeks puffed, excited and nervous breathes still left your lips.

and hoseok didn't want to be cool for a second there, he didn't want to care about your brother at all, maybe he would just let you take him for a bit, just a bit.

but in your thin eyebrows, he saw your brother.

in your veiny hands, he saw your brother.

in your coily, curly hair, he saw your brother.

so, he got off the mary-go-round, he walked away quickly, not pausing to look at you and he sniffed his tears away, he hugged his jacket closer to his body.

tomorrow, he would be fine.

tomorrow, no one would look at him like he was the moon and he would be okay with it.

but hoseok turned around.

the biggest mistake of his life.

the moon you thought him to be, cast a glow on the tears gathering on your chin and his heart wrenched.

the next day, your brother, his best friend, died.

and you never spoke a word to hoseok again.

-

go around - j.hs.

genre: angst, fluff (childhoodcrush! brother'sbestfriend!) (8.2k)

summary: to everyone else, he was the sun but to you, he was always the moon, the light you grabbed onto when you could see nothing.

note: grief is something very close to my heart, i've always struggled with it but i'm slowly starting to learn to live with it, i hope everyone who's experienced loss feels like some kind of relief through this, thank you for reading <3

masterlist

-

hoseok was sixteen years old when it happened.

you were thirteen.

and he had thought he was too cool for you then.

you were sitting on the other side of the mary-go-round to him, it was the last but one day of the summer camp you were part of, and you looked at him as if he hung the moon in the sky.

and hoseok felt as high as the moon that night.

but he was also sick to his stomach.

"i like you," you didn't look at him as you said it but hoseok could feel that you meant it, that it took a lot for you to get on that mary-go-round with him, spin with him, build the moon in his eyes and then say the words that he believed were stuck in your throat since when you first saw him.

he knew that your brother wouldn't like that you were saying this.

but he knew, even as a kid, that this was the most honest thing anyone's ever told him.

but he was so cool and so close to your brother, who would kill him if hoseok said anything back.

so, he didn't say anything back.

hoseok pursed his lips and looked away. he swears that, to this day, the tears shining in his eyes were nerves and not the frustration that came with not being able to hold you to the moon too.

the silent rejection didn't yet hit your soft eyes and bare heart.

you kept looking at him, hands gripping the handles so tight that your knuckles changed shades between white and pink and your cheeks puffed, excited and nervous breaths still left your lips.

and hoseok didn't want to be cool for a second there, he didn't want to care about your brother at all, maybe he would just let you take him for a bit, just a bit.

but in your thin eyebrows, he saw your brother.

in your veiny hands, he saw your brother.

in your coily, curly hair, he saw your brother.

so, he got off the mary-go-round, he walked away quickly, not pausing to look at you and he sniffed his tears away, he hugged his jacket closer to his body.

tomorrow, he would be fine.

tomorrow, no one would look at him like he was the moon and he would be okay with it.

but hoseok turned around.

the biggest mistake of his life.

the moon you thought him to be, cast a glow on the tears gathering on your chin and his heart wrenched.

he would fix this, he told himself, he would fix all of this.

but the next day, your brother, his best friend, died.

and you never spoke a word to hoseok again.

-

everything was vibrant when hoseok stepped into your home.

the unkept gardens were now blooming with flowers.

the closed windows were now open and giving a glimpse into the light inside the house.

the home was back to being a home.

he’s seen the transformation take place with his own two eyes over the years and he could confidently conclude that the ten years that cloaked your family and home in darkness were finally nowhere to be found.

and hoseok felt both delight and unease at the development.

“oh honey, you came,” there were few people hoseok could recognize with how they breathed, and your mom, his second mom basically, was one of them.

he didn’t even get to greet her before he was wrapped in a hug that surrounded him with the scent of cinnamon, musky perfume, and somehow, still his best friend.

“of course i did, ma” he kissed the top of her head, his arms not letting her go even if he knew the time for an appropriate hug was up, and she knew it too but she stayed as long as hoseok held her.

and when he let her go, he had to look away from the tears touching her eyelashes.

he probably brought back memories of his friend, maybe he still smelt like his friend too, he doesn’t know but he’s glad if he does.

his best friend’s family was unlike hoseok’s, his own family was distant and cold, and when he became an adult, he cut off all ties with them, he simply couldn’t accept them as family and your mom never let him feel as if he didn’t have one.

“the place is really packed,” hoseok whistled, looking at all the new faces and your mom nodded, “she invited a lot of her friends, i don’t know them but it’s okay, they’re having a good time, you’re here, so it’s all good,” hoseok stiffened at your mention.

you didn’t see him once in the last ten years.

slammed the door on his face.

ignored him even when your mom screamed after you.

locked yourself in your room and never got out if it meant seeing him.

and hoseok learned to accept it, he wouldn’t hang out with him either, especially after what happened.

but it was your birthday and he was invited, by your mom or you, he has no idea but hoseok steels himself to see you at some point in the night.

then, he walks around, introduces himself, ignores the pity that people eye’s throw at him, ignores the sympathetic touches on his arm, ignores the pats on the back and the ‘he must’ve been wonderful to have as a friend’ and he nods because he can’t say that yes, his best friend was an incredible friend until he fucking died.

and suddenly, hoseok wants to punch his best friend, for leaving him with this room of people who didn’t know him but somehow had all the sympathy in the world to shove in his face, for leaving him with no option but to mourn and miss him.

but hoseok was never a good mourner, he was good at going about life normally, good at laughing, good at ignoring his feelings, hoseok wasn’t good at gathering tears in his eyes when he thought of his dead best friend.

after a while, hoseok excuses himself to the bathroom and finds himself in his friend’s room, which remains frozen in time. every poster he hung up, though peeling at the edges on the wall, still stayed, every photo he stuck on top of his bedpost was yellow and faded but again, they stayed.

he doesn’t know how long he stares at their photo, the one they took in the summer camp where hoseok’s head is too small and his arms too thin and wrapped around his friend.

when he ran his fingers over the photo, he didn’t feel anything, he was grazing over hazy memories that he was desperately trying to remember as he got older but they were all slipping away or holding on too tightly at times.

“what the fuck are you doing in jay’s room?”

and he snatches his fingers away from the photo.

as he turns around, he swears he feels his heartbeat in his feet, and no amount of time could ever prepare him to face you.

you’re standing at the door with your arms crossed so defensively over your chest that he’s scared to take a single step forward but something about you, as a sixteen-year-old back then and now, a twenty-six-year-old, always takes his breath away.

and you look so much like jay, from the eyes to the hair to the hands, that he has to look away to breathe again.

“hey,” is all that comes out of hoseok’s mouth and he knows he deserves it when you roll your eyes at him.

“you’re not going to slam the door on me?” he asks and to his surprise, you shake your head, “not this time, my mom might just kill me,” you say while entering through the door and hoseok awkwardly steps around the room to reach where you sit on the bed.

he’s not sure how to feel about your mom having to force you to meet him.

and he’s not sure if he will ever be ready to see you again.

maybe you should’ve slammed the door one last time.

“happy birthday, big numbers now,” hoseok sits five feet away from you on the same bed and he watches your face soften the slightest, “thank you, and yeah, twenty-four doesn’t feel real,” you weakly laugh, falling on the bed and letting your feet dangle off the edge.

“your friends seem fun,” he stayed alert on the edge of the bed, and you nodded half-heartedly, “i guess so, did you meet them?”

“yeah, i said hi and stuff,” hoseok played with his fingers as you sat up again, “they brought up jay?”

“um yeah, they seemed to be very...empathetic about it,” he said, he didn’t know how else to say that your friends' reactions almost made him want to leave the party.

“yeah, they don’t know how to react to dead brothers or best friends, they’re not too bad though,” you laugh again and hoseok just nods, looking away.

for a moment, there’s only silence.

there’s only your breath and his.

there’s only your heartbeat and his.

and hoseok had missed this, he had missed you.

“can you believe it’s been ten years?” he asks because he can’t, he still feels as if it was yesterday that he got the phone call from you.

“i can,” you whisper, “time has been slow for me, so i can,” you’re the one looking away this time and hoseok catches your eyes roaming on the photos stuck above jay’s bed.

“do you want to go downstairs?” you get up from the bed and meet his eyes properly for the first time since you entered the room and he can do nothing but nod.

just before you step out the door, hoseok grabs your hand, immediately dropping it as you stop, “a-are you okay?” he didn’t want to ask you the question that he knows everyone else did but he also wouldn’t sleep that night without asking.

but when you laugh and disappear downstairs, hoseok ends up not sleeping anyway.

-

“thank you so much for coming by,” hoseok shook his head at your mother with the broadest smile and sweat coating his forehead, “of course ma, you can call me whenever you need help,” he pressed a kiss on the top of her head as he passed her and she pushed her face into his arm.

your mom owned a local restaurant and usually, handled everything from deliveries to cooking to serving and hoseok had chastised her multiple times about it.

even now, looking at the full restaurant, hoseok knew he couldn’t leave her to it.

so, after pushing her into the kitchen, he manned the counter for a while and made light conversation with whoever came by.

it felt strange, after so many years, being back around jay’s family, being back in this restaurant where he spent many days and nights.

he shook his head, refusing to let the memories creep back in.

he was used to this, this was just a routine to him, he always helped out, and he knew jay would do it if he was here.

“she loves you a lot already, you don’t have to do all this,” your voice isn’t something he’s used to though, not here, and hoseok’s palms start sweating immediately.

fuck.

he didn’t even put on a good outfit today.

or even perfume, now that he thinks of it.

and he curses himself when you come into view.

“i do this because i love her a lot,” he says with a smile and you roll your eyes, “yeah i know, it’s annoying,” and he frowns, “why?”

but you just wave a hand at him and go into the kitchen.

and hoseok’s left with ten people waving their bills and money at him, so he plasters a smile on his face and continues working.

after some time passes, you come back out from the kitchen with a scowl on your face and hoseok knows this because he hasn’t stopped his eyes from flickering between the kitchen door and the counter in front of him.

“i’ve got it from here, move,” you bark at him as you reach him and hoseok’s frown deepens at you, “it’s only a couple of people, i’ll finish it, don’t worry,” he reassures you but it only seems to irritate you.

“this isn’t your job, hoseok, just move over,” the glare on your face makes hoseok throw his hands up in the air and step away from the counter.

and he goes to the kitchen, he hugs your mom goodbye and he doesn’t bother with saying anything to you while he leaves because he’s sure you will only curse at him. he’s too exhausted today.

but imagine his surprise when the clock strikes midnight, you are at his door with a few soju bottles, snacks, and a sheepish smile on your face.

what the fuck were you doing at his home?

“um, hi?” he adjusts his t-shirt as he greets you, suddenly too aware of his messy hair and pajama pants as his heart once again beats away from his body.

“can i come in?” you ask sheepishly, and he immediately moves away. as you look around his apartment, hoseok still finds it hard to believe that you’re here.

even as you set up the table with soju glasses and food, he can only follow you in a daze.

“come, sit,” you say as if it wasn’t his home, his table, and his chairs but hoseok obliges and sits down.

a few minutes pass with both of you just fidgeting, looking at and away from each other, scratching your necks, and rubbing your fingers together.

until you finally grab the soju bottle and inch toward him.

you take a deep breath in and hoseok lets one out, “i shouldn’t have been so rude at the store, it’s just,” you speak as you pour soju into a shot glass for him and he sits up in his seat, “jay used to be there all the time.” you swallow, moving the bottle away from him and pouring one for yourself too.

“i was there all the time too, you know that,” hoseok says gently, as if to a child and you nod, “yeah, but it was always you and him, not just you.”

always you and him.

not just you.

and the memories that hoseok tried so hard to keep in his head, started creeping their way onto his sneakers and jeans and slipping away like sand.

the nights they snuck in to steal the leftovers.

the days he spent munching down on snacks that your mom generously gave him and jay.

the evenings where they both fanned each other with rolled-up magazines.

the days he spent admiring you at the counter.

but he couldn’t remember the dates, he couldn’t remember the details like what he was wearing that evening when jay hit him with a wooden fan, what was jay wearing when he got dumped by his girlfriend and cried to hoseok, what would jay think of this moment right now, you in front of him with a couple of soju bottles that were bound to be empty soon?

he shifted in his seat, “i won’t come over anymore, i didn’t know you felt like this,” and you purse your lips, “don’t do that, hoseok.”

“do what?” his eyebrows draw closer and you put down your glass to stare at him straight, “be so understanding and nice, just tell me to fuck off and deal with my shit instead of taking it out on you, hate me a little bit because this isn’t fair to you and you know that too.”

hoseok is stunned to silence for a second.

and he has a feeling that these words weren’t just some sudden outburst, you never spoke without letting your thoughts settle so he knows you’ve felt this for a while.

when he catches your wobbling lip and the way you shove food into your mouth to stop the movement, he knows he’s right and his heart softens even more.

“i’m not going to hate you for missing your brother, y/n.” is all he says before he slides your glass towards him and pours you a shot too.

and for a second, you just eye the glass and then look at him with tears so heavy in your eyes that hoseok is surprised they haven’t rolled down your cheeks.

“i think you’re the only one who doesn’t,” you suck in a breath and take the shot, you barely feel the liquid burn down your throat or the tears that finally release from your eyes.

when he raises his eyebrows at you, you shrug with a sniff and look away.

for the rest of the night, hoseok tries to forget that this was exactly how you looked on the mary-go-around ten years ago.

tears on your jaw.

flushed cheeks.

the same coily hair.

for the rest of the night, hoseok stops himself from falling in love again.

-

“again!” your mom threw her hands up in delight after winning one more game of ludo that hoseok had brought over.

you groaned and complained loudly to her, face held up by your elbow and hoseok watched with warm eyes as you and your mom argued about the win.

but he also felt acutely, the empty cushion next to him.

“you’re just a sore loser, learn a thing or two from hoseok,” your mom brought him back to the world, unscathed from his best friend’s haunting.

and hoseok nods proudly, dissolving into giggles when you scoff at him and your mom high-fives him.

“you’re letting her win,” you stare pointedly at him as your mom leaves to bring more snacks and hoseok shrugs happily, “guilty as charged,” and ducks with a laugh when a shower of peanut shells gets thrown in his direction.

“i knew it!” you screeched and he fell onto the floor with a belly full of joy, “mom, i told you, he was letting you win,” you stomped into the kitchen and hoseok heard more sounds of an argument from the kitchen, he rolled his eyes in endearment.

that night, you drop him in your car, and the entire ride, you’re laughing, he’s laughing, you’re speaking nonsense, he’s speaking nonsense, you’re falling on the seat to cover your face and he’s pulling his hands over his eyes to cover his face.

and at his door, you look at him with a face so free of everything.

no lines of worry on your forehead.

no frown between your eyebrows.

no hesitance to smile.

just a hint of moonlight falling over the right side of your face and some of your hair.

and hoseok wonders if he looks the same, if he looks just as beautiful and calm.

but when you keep staring at him with those curious, those tender eyes that he feels you reserve just for him, as if he has the answer to everything, as if he was the answer to everything, hoseok’s heart races in panic and buried love.

both of you realize at the same time, that ten minutes had passed and you were about two inches closer than you were at the beginning of the ride.

he stumbles out of the car, you stutter a goodbye to him and he nods hastily, urging you to leave.

that night, once again, hoseok begs himself to stop falling in love.

-

you only called him once in the many years that he’s known you and it was to tell him that jay had died, it was a freak accident, no one could’ve done anything and hoseok had thought that it was all a dream but your voice, as always, rang true in his ears and he knew that his life, as it was, would change forever.

“hoseok, i-it’s jay, someone hit him with a bike, i don’t know what’s going on, they’re saying they can’t read his pulse, please just come here, p-please.”

your sobs had shaken him so badly that he stumbled out of his camp cabin in his pajamas and he held your mom’s hand the entire time they tried to resurrect jay in the emergency room but once jay flatlined, your mom crumbled in his arms and you ran out of the hospital, you refused to look at him after that night.

and he understands why, he should’ve been there for jay, he should’ve made sure that his best friend didn’t go out for a walk that night or he should’ve gone with jay and been the one to get hit instead.

but it was all over now, and all hoseok was left with was a heavy heart filled with enough guilt for all the years he would live.

so when hoseok’s phone rang in the middle of the night with your name flashing on his screen, his brain unearthed the entire tragedy, the entire night with its roots pulled out of him and he was gasping for breath as he answered.

could it be that something happened to your mom?

did something happen to you?

did something happen to him and everyone else knew but him?

“she’s not letting us call her mom but she said your name, can you come to pick her up?” and twenty minutes later, hoseok pulled up to the only nightclub in the neighborhood to pick you up.

he struggled to hold back a laugh as he saw you draped over your friend’s arms, blissfully drunk, giggling, and utterly exhausted. when he started walking over to you, all of your friends began groaning and complaining to him about you which only made it harder for him not to laugh until your entire weight was shifted onto him and hoseok closed his eyes when you buried your face in his neck, savoring the tender moment.

just like every other minute that he’s alone with you, hoseok can’t believe this minute either.

“i’ve got her from here,” he says, carefully shifting your body to make you more comfortable and you hum in your drunken state, pushing your cheeks further into his collarbones and hoseok tries not to freeze.

“you should join us next time!” your friends all chime in together, their enthusiasm and kind intentions bleed around them and touch hoseok’s heart, maybe he had been too quick to judge them and hoseok gives in, nodding unsurely and they all erupt in cheers which makes him smile.

you had good people around you.

and that made him the happiest person in the world.

as he waves goodbye to them, his hands hold your body closer to him when you start to slide off and all of them exchange looks which hoseok ignores.

he carefully puts you in the passenger seat and pulls off the sidewalk.

he turned up the air conditioner, feeling his body get warmer and warmer as the seconds passed and he forces himself to look at the road and not you.

“hoseok?” the red light glowed on your face when he looked towards you, “yeah, it’s me, just taking you back home,” he doesn’t stop his hands from moving your hair away from your face and caressing your temples with his fingers.

how many years have passed with him missing you?

how many years of loving you has he missed out on?

he doesn’t know how jay would feel about this, maybe he would gag at hoseok’s tender eyes at this moment, perhaps he would tease him but he knows jay wouldn’t hate it.

hoseok pulls back almost immediately as you start to shift, only to relax when your face melts into his fingers.

if it didn’t feel so wrong, hoseok would’ve sat the rest of the night just looking at you and letting the rest of the world pass by.

“don’t take me to mom’s,” you whine and he laughs at your scrunched-up face, “okay, where do you want to go?”

“your’s,” you mumble, and hoseok’s face goes red, it takes him a few minutes and several cars honking at him to come back to earth.

when hoseok carefully lays you on the side of his body and takes you to his bedroom, he bears the torture of your arms tightening around his neck and the torture of your lips accidentally brushing on his skin.

“you like me, right?” you whisper into hoseok’s ear as he covers you with blankets on his bed and he freezes.

when he doesn’t respond, your eyes flutter open, still soft and fuzzy from the alcohol and you ask again, “hoseok, you like me, yes?”

and he’s taken back to the you that asked him out on a mary-go-around, the you that gave him the most honest confession of love in his life, the you that looked at him as if he ripped your heart out.

he nods, “of course i do, we’re family.” and you frown at him.

then, you sit up on the bed and lean forward to hold his face in your hands, hoseok starts sweating under the thin t-shirt he wore, and your fingers touch his face in places that he’s sure didn’t exist before, and every nerve of his melts and burns.

“i’ve always wanted to ask you something,” he says, now that there was no distinction between his breaths and yours and you nod, urging him to go on, “i thought i was always the one who had something to say,” you giggle, falling on his shoulder and hoseok laughs with you.

“why did you start talking to me again? after all this time? it can’t just be because of your mother,” and your laughter vanishes from the air around him, your touch too lifts from his shoulder, and hoseok’s confusion and curiosity grow.

he knows he’s asked the wrong thing, and said the wrong thing, he always does, but why would this question make you so upset?

he just wanted to know why after so many years of ignoring his entire existence, you suddenly chose to come to his home, and suddenly back into his life.

but he also loves that you’re back in his life.

“you don’t have to tell me, go to s-“ he gets up from the bed but is stopped by a hand grabbing his wrist tightly and he sinks back down beside you.

“my reasons are selfish, hoseok,” your tears come back and hoseok is rushing to wipe them away before they ever leave your eyes which only makes them gather faster.

“i don’t care,” he shakes his head and he really doesn’t.

“you should.”

“but i don’t.”

use him, don’t use him, throw him away, or keep him, he’s okay with it all.

your eyes search in his face, any trace of a lie, any trace of dishonesty and you find none that urges you to say, “i need you.”

a strange rush of warmth and bashfulness washes over hoseok as your words run him over.

“it hurts so much and i can’t do this alone, i need you, i just want it to stop hurting,” and hoseok’s heart stops at your broken voice because he knows what’s hurting you and nothing in the world can fix that kind of pain, “i don’t know how to live anymore, every time i come home, i miss him in the space next to my mom, i miss him in the counter that you stand at now, i miss him everywhere and i can’t say this to anyone.”

hoseok barely feels your hands grabbing his as your sobs climb up your throat, “except you, hoseok. no one knows what i feel, it’s pathetic that i miss him still but so do you, i know you feel this too, right?”

and he knows, he knows exactly what it feels like and he also knows that this was building in you since over the past ten years, the same way it’s been building in him.

that sense of loss that never goes away.

that sense of waiting for the relief that comes with moving on, that never came.

that sense of having nowhere to go and cry it out because the rest of the world doesn’t see what it’s lost, only he can and only you can.

“i do,” he finally choked out and your cries grew louder, hoseok winced at the volume and tapped your arms to calm you down but he was barely calm himself.

years and years of his grief catch up to him, run him over, trample over him and his mind ignites with every single second he spent with jay, every single he spent missing jay and then ignoring his memory.

all of it grabs him by the throat and chokes him but he lets your head fall onto his shoulder, and keeps his own tears away from his eyes as your body breaks on him.

when you were kids, hoseok had held you when you were laughing, he had felt your joy go through him, spread onto him, he could feel your happiness as if it was his own.

when you laughed in the car with him, the sound jogged his memory on how to laugh, on how to feel happiness again, he felt it go in and out of him in waves that he couldn’t control.

it was a miracle to him that just by touching someone, you can feel what they feel.

but now, holding you when you were crying, feeling every tear on his own skin, the burden of it all sunk him deeper than he could pull out of but he held you, he wrapped a singular arm around you and buried his head in your hair.

if anyone was going to know that he cried about jay, it was you and if anyone was going to miss jay with you, it was him.

and that night, he let himself fall in love.

-

the next morning, hoseok woke up with swollen eyes but a happy heart, a less lonely heart, he got up from the couch and entered his bedroom where he spent several minutes just staring at your face and stopped himself from kissing your cheek.

he stepped out of the bedroom quietly, padding his feet as gently as he could on the floor, and started preparing pancakes, hot chocolate, and everything else he could remember as something you liked as a kid.

hoseok couldn’t keep the smile off his face the entire time he whisked the batter, stirred the hot chocolate, and put out the plates. every moment that passed reminded him of you in his bedroom, it made him feel fuzzy and warm and ticklish, as if the sun had come to sit on his shoulder.

finally, his life was falling into place.

he almost jumped in excitement when the sound of his bedroom door creaking echoed throughout his apartment. he peeked around the corner to see you dragging your feet with even more swollen eyes than his and he stifled a laugh.

“good morning, pretty,” hoseok sang and giggled when your groan came as a reply.

“what’s all this?” your eyes barely opened to see the spread of food in front of you and he shrugged, “just some breakfast for you, did you take the aspirin beside  the bed?”

you nodded and stood unsurely until hoseok got up and pushed you to sit down gently, “sit down, it’s all still hot, have it soon,” he kissed the top of your head and you stiffened under him.

hoseok quickly stepped away, laughing uncomfortably, and sat down as well.

for the next few minutes, he waited as you took in everything in front of you and his heart raced the entire time.

did he do too much?

was he moving too fast?

but he had already wasted so much time over the years, he wasn’t going to make the same mistak-

“why?”

hoseok frowns at your question, leaning forward to see if he heard it right but when he looks up, he sees your tear-filled eyes and he knows he’s fucked up somehow.

“w-what happened?”

“why are you doing all this?” he doesn’t know if you’re asking him or accusing him of something.

“what do you mean?”

“why.are.you.doing.this?” you punctuate every word with quick breaths and hoseok knows he’s pissed you off.

why or how he’s done that, he has no idea.

“i thought some food would be nice in the morning, especially with your hangover,” he stumbles over his words because he didn’t think he would ever have to explain why he made breakfast for someone.

you stay quiet.

he says your name.

once.

twice.

thrice.

then, you get up from the chair and look at him with both the most anger he’s felt in someone and also, the most pain, “i can’t do this,” you mumble and in the next minute, hoseok’s door is left wide open and your seat is empty.

he watches the food go cold and tries to hold himself together as he clears everything up, all the warmth he felt in the morning disappeared down the same drain that his food went.

and all he could was watch and let it happen.

-

weeks passed and hoseok dipped in and out of the restaurant, trying to see you, catch a word with you, and try to fix things, but whenever you saw him, you ran away.

whenever he waved to you, you would hesitantly lift your hand and then look away, engaging yourself with someone else.

whenever he called you, you wouldn’t pick up.

his messages remained on delivered.

and hoseok’s heart broke little by little as he saw you intentionally pull away from him.

he couldn’t understand why, you had such a beautiful night together, you had poured your heart out to him and he had done the same to you but somehow, it was as if that night didn’t exist to you.

maybe he read it all wrong?

maybe you just needed him as someone who felt the same as you, who experienced the same grief and here he was, his heart growing wings and the love he buried blooming again.

but you had loved him ten years ago.

and that confession was still fresh in his mind, still the most honest thing he’s heard in his life.

maybe he was stupid for ever thinking that you still felt the same love from ten years ago?

but as his mind replayed your words, ‘i need you’, it didn’t make sense to him that suddenly, you wanted to push him away.

“take these when you go home,” your mom packed him multiple boxes of side dishes and rice and everything else she could cook throughout the day and he nodded, thanking her with a kiss on her head, and headed for the door.

until he heard your voice.

his entire body froze at your presence.

but he’s had enough.

hoseok turned around and started walking with loud steps towards the kitchen, and when you came into his vision, he didn’t feel the warmth or the love or any of the good stuff.

he only felt the hurt that blinded him that morning, he only felt the pain spearing his heart as he threw everything away, he only felt the loneliness that played with him until the late hours of the night.

hoseok knows he’s not the best person but he also knows that he didn’t deserve that.

“you asked me that day, why i was doing all that. let me ask you now, why are you doing this?” he glared right at you, and in the corner of his eyes, he saw your mom glance between the two of you and then duck out of the kitchen.

he will apologize to her later.

in front of him, you tilted your head at him and tried to appear tough by crossing your arms across your chest and staring back at him.

but hoseok is past this, he’s tired of being lonely but he doesn’t want this, he doesn’t want to feel lonely when he’s in love.

“look, i don’t know what’s going through your mind and i never will until you tell me, but you can’t do this to me, you can’t push and pull whenever you like, i know you’re hurting somehow but i am too, so figure yourself out and then come to me because i know that i’m not alone in this feeling, i know you feel it too.”

with that, hoseok marched out of the kitchen, hugged your mom on the way out and went back to his empty home, where he might’ve felt lonely but he at least didn’t feel miserable.

you will hopefully find your way back to him.

but if you don’t, hoseok’s just going to have to find a way to be okay with that too.

-

days passed again and hoseok tried to move on.

you didn’t call or message or try to reach him and he took it as a rejection, which was still okay, he would still be okay.

he busied himself with his work, with your mom’s restaurant, and tried to learn how to cook, tried to liven up his apartment with knick-knacks, he took up arts and crafts.

hoseok did everything he could think of and for the most part, he really was okay.

but he also really wasn’t that okay.

he drifted through the days, pushed you out of his mind, and drank a bit from time to time to forget you only to hover his finger over your contact every night, he still kept the blanket you slept on in the corner of his room and not in the laundry basket where it should’ve been.

but still.

he was okay, he told himself, he would go back to some version of himself which was okay.

hoseok walked to the restaurant with his head down, earphones in and counted his steps because he had nothing else to do.

when he reached, he still didn’t look up, he continued to his counter where he removed his hoodie and put on an apron, humming to himself and cleaning the counter up.

until your mom’s shoes came into his view and by the time he looked up, she had grabbed his arm and started shaking him which made him frown.

he looked up to see her tear-streaked face and echoes of her sobs that traveled from her hands to him and the desperate shouts he could only see with his earphones in.

his hands shakily reached up to remove his earphones and then he heard it.

the heart-stopping cries and yells.

hoseok’s eyes went round with panic and he immediately grabbed her body as she fell onto him, he tried his best to soothe her but seeing her tears, was already choking him up.

he tried to keep his panic at bay as he patted her back and tried to make sense of her babbling.

what if something happened to you?

he couldn’t deal with that kind of grief; he wouldn’t survive it.

“she hasn’t picked up a single call,” something did happen to you, and hoseok bit the inside of his cheek to hold back his sobs.

“ma,” he grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to look into his eyes, “please breathe with me,” she nodded, timing her inhalation and exhalation with him and when her sniffles subsided, she told him, “she ran away this morning, i’ve looked everywhere and i’ve called everyone, no one has seen her, i don’t know what to do and the police aren’t doing anything until she’s gone for a day but you know her, she never does this.”

she rambled endlessly to him and hoseok held onto her the entire time, feeling only a bit hurt that she never called him but that wasn’t a concern right now.

at the end of it, he offered her a glass of water, removed his apron, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head before heading straight for the door.

“hoseok,” he stopped at her voice, “i only didn’t call you because i know you two aren’t doing well right now, otherwise you know you’re like my son.” and hoseok melted, he smiled and took her hands as he said, “don’t worry about that ma, we’re family, you keep calling people and i’ll try to find her.”

he didn’t know what to feel once he stepped out of the restaurant.

in the restaurant, he could focus on reassuring and comforting your mom, he could place all his energy into caring for her but now, he was alone and he didn’t know what to feel.

hoseok got into his car only to realize he didn’t know where to fucking begin, you could be anywhere by this time, even a different city but he has a feeling that you were not too far.

but he didn’t know that with certainty either.

every thought he had only put him in a chokehold as his mind reeled with every worst-case scenario.

nevertheless, he put his fears aside and started the car.

the next few hours, he drove in every street, looked in every club and café, kept checking his phone some one million times, and stopped at the entrance of his summer camp where his life seemed to begin and end.

jay would’ve had a panic attack if he was here with hoseok right now, hoseok smiled as he thought of how worried jay would’ve been and how he probably would’ve cursed you out after finding you, how he would’ve hugged you and hoseok in relief, how he would never let it happen again.

jay would’ve been so many things if he was still there with hoseok and that killed hoseok every day.

he kept staring at the entrance where he ran out of the day jay died, where he held back his tears and shook his head and told himself that it was all a lie, that his best friend was still alive.

hoseok threw his head back on his car seat.

grief was so unfair; it took away so much and left him with so little.

if it was so hard for him, he couldn’t imagine how much more angry or sad grief would’ve made you over the years.

and just as he blinks back tears, his phone rings and he runs his hand over his face to answer it, “ma, i’m still out, don’t worry, we’ll find her,” he starts reassuring only to hear nothing on the other end.

“hello?” he frowns.

“hoseok?”

and he almost drops his phone in relief.

“god, are you okay?” he immediately sits up, starting the car again, “where are you? i’m coming to get you right now, what the fuck were you thinking?”

“why aren’t you home?”

“huh?”

“why aren’t you home right now?”

“are you at my place?” hoseok frown becomes even deeper and he knows your silence only means one thing, he sighs out, “stay there.”

and he’s turning the car, calling your mom to tell her the news, and feeling a hundred different emotions as he reaches the lane of his apartment.

right by his door, he finds you, sitting on the floor with your knees to your chest and the rocks slid off his shoulders, he feels air enter his chest at the sight of you, unharmed and safe and breathing and…alive.

he doesn’t know why he’d even thought as far as you being dead but he couldn’t help it.

it was midnight but the moonlight, as always, found you and your tears, and hoseok sat right next to you and stretched his legs out in front of him.

 “why didn’t you say anything back?” he hears you mumble and he frowns, “when?”

“that day in summer camp, when i told you i liked you, why didn’t you say anything back?”

and hoseok sighs, the secret he’s held in his heart for as long as he remembers, starts crawling up his throat, “i like you too,” and his lack of using the past tense has you sitting up straight, tears now reduced to sniffles.

“you do?” and the way you ask it almost has him hitting his own head, how did he ever let you think otherwise?

“i would be crazy if i didn’t,” he smiles weakly at you, his heart suddenly exposed and raw and beating louder than it ever has before, and you fall back on the wall, “but you just walked away then.”

and hoseok knows he can’t hide it anymore.

“i didn’t say anything because i went to jay,” hoseok recalls how cold the night was, how quick his steps were to reach his best friend and he watches your face light up and fall, all in just seconds.

“i needed to ask him if it was okay, i needed to tell him that i liked his sister and that i wanted to take care of her, and he didn’t like it,” hoseok shakes his head, a strained laugh leaving his lips, “we fought all night, but i guess he saw how much i meant it, so he gave me his blessing,” he looks up at you and you’re closing your eyes, letting your head fall back.

“he gave us his blessing, y/n, he did and that’s why i’ve never given up on you, he was so dramatic about it, you would’ve hit him if you saw him say it,” he laughs, the memory still so fresh of jay hugging hoseok and whispering to him that he would be dead the next second if he ever hurt you, how jay stopped himself from smiling as he thought of you with him.

he kept that close to his heart and never told anyone about it, it was for him and jay until today but now, it was for you too.

every time he felt bitter over the years that you avoided him, hoseok reminded himself that he loved you and he always will, and jay would love that hoseok loved you.

and you’re holding back sobs that still escape and tear into the world.

“i’m sorry,” he hears you say and he hums before placing your head on his shoulder, he tries not to cry when he feels your sobs, he sniffles and looks at his feet.

“i was so scared that morning, i told you everything i’ve never told anyone the night before and you still treated me with love, i thought you would tell me to leave, that you would finally have had enough but you didn’t and it still scared me. you shouldn’t be in my life hoseok, i will ruin you,” his heart sinks and hoseok moves closer to you because he doesn’t know where he belongs if it’s not beside you.

“i don’t want to be anywhere else,” he says and presses his hand to the side of your head.

“i can’t stop missing him, hoseok, i don’t know what’s wrong with me,” you shake your head and he sighs, feeling his throat close up.

“i miss him too.”

“but it’s been so long and i feel like i should move on by now, i don’t know,” you mumble, your tears falling into his shirt and skin.

“jay’s not some ancient history but i think he would hate both of us for being stuck like this.”

“i don’t know another way to live.”

“neither do i,” he shrugs, he knows how lonely he’s felt, how solitary his life was but, “but it will always hurt, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, you lost a brother, a companion for life, i lost a best friend, my soulmate and it’s always going to hurt. but i don’t want either of us to be alone in that pain, we don’t deserve that.”

life can take everything away from him but if we had a few good people and he could love those people, that was enough for him.

“it’s about time we start living for jay, do everything he would’ve done, feel everything he would’ve felt, and keep him alive, don’t you think so?”

and when you nod, fall on his shoulder, and whisper your love to him, it’s just like the first time, the most honest words he’s heard in his life.

hoseok knows his life can sometimes feel empty but sometimes, like right now, it can feel so full that he wouldn’t know what to do with all the love he gave and received.

he whispers his love back to you.

until dawn, you cried on his shoulder, and in the morning, hoseok made breakfast for you, you kissed him and whispered your thanks, he kissed you and whispered his love again, and you smiled and ate the food he made.

and it was calm, normal, another day but everything had changed once again for hoseok.

because this time, he had you and you had him, and in both your hearts and minds, you had jay.

and you learned to live life again, with love, and not just regret, with happiness, and not just guilt.

you lived, not just to grieve and mourn, but to actually live and build a life, with hoseok right by your side. he lived, without

-

taglist: @blissingtaehyung @cuteipat @hobicorewhore @yoongleskitten @mrjeonghan @greenie-frog @avawants2havefun @an-ever-angry-bi @alyenorgondorwarrior thank you all so much for liking the preview, i hope you enjoy the full fic <3]

The disrespect!

Look at him! 🥺

sunshine

I need to make a formal complaint because How Dare You Jung Hoseok!

jung hoseok....the man you are...today...

My slim snack of a man

hoseok on instagram:  ii🏝