Just Trans Things - Tumblr Posts
If you spam like a trans woman's posts, she will DM you and threaten promise to put you on a leash
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A man drove before me today
Clearly a fan of the University of South Carolina Gamecocks
And certainly
Blisfully
Ignorant of how much this license plate makes trans girls double take
My own drawings of Regulus give me gender envy
thought about buying a gun today
had a conversation with a trans friend of mine who's thinking about joining the military to escape poverty. not gonna go into detail there but it was heavy conversation and sparked these thoughts.
on the one hand, i'm queer and leftist. i'm scared when i see right wing people hoarding guns. i'd like to have one or more for the peace of mind that if push comes to shove i have something to defend myself with.
however, i know that if i do acquire a firearm, im going to put it in my mouth to see how that feels. not with any bullets or anything. just to feel it, taste it, experience that feeling.
but i know enough about mental health to know what that is. that's a big step in suicidal ideation. what's to stop me from putting a round in the chamber once i get more comfortable? and even if i'm not actively planning how i would kill myself, if i owned a gun, i would know i could. i would know deep down that if i ever wanted too id have a really easy way to do that. and is that even really different from having a plan? i also don't like that i don't know if i would play russian roulette if i purchased a revolver. i'd like to think the answer is no, but if i'm honest with myself, 17% is like, not terrible odds?
i'll be 23 soon. and i've noticed over the past few years my suicidal ideation has progressively grown. when i was in highschool, or maybe even middleschool, i realized nothing really cosmically mattered. i think soon after the idea of dying was scary but it wasn't impossible, and i thought hey it would suck but i'd be dead so it wouldn't really matter to me at that point. i wouldn't ever kill myself, but if i got hit by a bus it wouldn't be a huge deal.
and that's how it stayed really. and i still feel that way, although now that i'm actively transitioning and finding myself, i'm a lot more hesitant when i think rationally about these things. i don't want to die and have my obituary and headstone say [deadname], and what's more, things have just started getting good and i am excited to see where life takes me. despite that though, a few weeks ago i looked at my window differently. i live 5 stories up. would that be high enough? i didn't google for an answer. and i frankly still don't want to know.
objectively, i am the happiest i've ever been. ironically though, i'm also the closest i've ever been to suicide. i've been throwing that thought around my brain for a few months now. it's weird.