Tw Sui Ideation - Tumblr Posts

I wouldn’t be yelled at anymore if I was dead

TW: VENT, SUICIDE, THE YANDEREDEV SITUATION, INTERNALIZED ABLEISM, GROOMING

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I should probably just kill myself atp.

Anytime I actually get interested in something, I always fuck it up and I ruin it for everyone.

Just today, I talked about how the situation regarding yandereDev has been giving me panic attacks because of how frustrating it is to keep seeing how he's a groomer and stuff (even if I don't want to hear about it at all), and I had completely forgotten that on the server I said this in, it's against the rules to mention it, and then I got banned and yandereDev blocked me.

So yeah, that killed my yandere simulator hyperfixation.

Why the fuck am I even like this?? Why can't I just be fucking normal for once in my god damn life, why do I have to ruin every fucking opportunity to make friends by doing something stupid, JUST WHY??

Atp, I'm considering suicide as a last option, I can't take it anymore. My medications don't do Jack shit except make me feel worse, I only see my therapist once a week, and anytime I think I'm getting better, something comes over to fucking ruin it, and i-- I FUCKING HATE IT!

I just thought that maybe, just MAYBE, if I try to help yandereDev, if I tried to find a solution to his issues and possibly save him, then maybe, I'll finally be worth something to someone.

And maybe I'll finally be loved and treated right...

But I guess that doesn't matter, cause now he's gone, and there's nothing I can do to win his trust now.

I fucking hate being mentally retarded....

CW: MENTAL HEALTH STUFF, SUICIDE, PSYCH WARDS, VENT, THE PUMPKIN THE GENTLEMAN AND MELANIE MARTINEZ SITUATION

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Being mentally ill as a minor and rarely getting the proper help for it is genuinely traumatizing.

I just started school the week after I got sent to the psych ward, and it's been so stressful to have to deal with trying to re-integrate myself into society, and I feel like I'm back where I started a couple of weeks ago. And I feel horrible about it.

I'm back to being on the internet non-stop, which means I'm having to constantly see shit related to the pumpkin the gentleman and Melanie Martinez situations and constantly arguing with people over it, and I've had to switch to taking different ADHD medications, because apparently my insurance doesn't cover my last medications, and it's $40 a refill, and since I was left unmedicated for the past two weeks, I've been struggling to pay attention in school, and it's really setting me off. And it doesn't help that I got forced to go off my anxiety medications because it was causing my mood swings to get worse..

I hate being mentally ill. I hate having people actively avoid me over my mental illness, I hate constantly thinking about killing myself, I hate having all of my thoughts be jumbled around all of the time, I hate how I hurt people and can't do anything to stop it, I hate myself so much, I hate it all.

Therapy was supposed to be a fresh start in my life, but I guess it doesn't matter how many "starts" I get. It all ends the same.

There's always something that messes it up and suddenly I'm back to doomscrolling on tiktok for hours at a time and mass-blocking all of my friends when something happens between us. It's draining and awful to go through almost every day.

And the fact that my bpd symptoms have gotten to the point where I'm hurting people over it makes it worse, because then it makes people hate me even more, and I've lost a lot of friends over it (I miss those friends btw)

I just wish I could go back to the psych ward, I was so much happier there and I didn't have to worry about all of this 24/7/365.

CW: VENT, PSYCH WARD MENTIONS

And just like that, I'm one thing online going wrong away from considering quitting and sending myself to a psych ward so I could live there for the rest of my life and hopefully never be let out so that I can finally stop suffering.

Seriously, it's so fucking hard to avoid getting into any controversy nowadays and i can't take it anymore wtffff

God forbid a neurodivergent and mentally ill person has a happy ending i guess...

maybe in another universe, I can ask for help when I need it.

CW: VENT

i just want to give up already. I don't even know who i am anymore.

the feeling when you just wanna be alone and push everyone away so you could quietly kill yourself vrs the feeling of never wanting to be alone and just wanting to be held and told itll be okay even when it wont.

bpd culture is "why are you taking so long to respond??? did i say something wrong?? do you think im stupid/weird??" :(

.

I want to feel important please 🫧

Things I'm good at :

• ??????????

• ???????

•????

• ???????

• feeling like a burden and bed rotting

Normalize lying to your therapist so you won't get admitted to the grippy socks jail.

And just like that, I have wasted another weekend, in my house, scrolling through social media and arguing with dumbasses on tiktok, and not hanging out with my friends or going out.

I fucking hate my life.

bpd traits culture is I love them so much so why do I keep having the strong urge to block them

- 🪨

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Im trying to prove a point to my mum

Repost if school has caused:

Anxiety Depression Suicidal thoughts Social anxiety Eating disorders Self harm Stress

"I wish I had BPD :3" NO YOU FUCKING DON'T...

Just today I lost one of my closest friends because I decided me THREATENING TO KILL MYSELF AND REFUSING TO LISTEN TO ANYONE WHO TRIED TO STOP ME FROM KILLING MYSELF was a good way to handle a mental health crisis I was having. And when I tried to apologize because by the time i wanted to reconnect, i realized I fucked up and needed to apologize, they didn't want to fucking hear it, and now most of the people who saw what happened don't want to talk to me anymore over it.

This shit has happened NUMEROUS times in the past, and shit like this is the sole reason why BPD is even medically recognized as one of the hardest disorders to live with (look it up if you don't believe me).

BUT APPARENTLY PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING UNEDUCATED ABOUT BPD THAT THE MINUTE SOMEONE SHOWS A NOT-SO-PRETTY SYMPTOM OF BPD ALL OF A SUDDEN THE PERSON IN QUESTION IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD, IT'S FUCKING AWFUL....

I'm shaking rn as I'm making this post, and I'm still getting myself admitted to the ward because I'm still in a fucking crisis, but I just hate how awfully romanticized bpd is, and I wish there was a cure for it because I hate living like this.

I hate losing the only people that actually give a shit about me, I hate lashing out at and leaving people that clearly don't deserve it, I hate mis-perceiving the tiniest flaws in relationships as threats, I FUCKING HATE IT ALL.

And get this: The whole Pumpkin The Gentleman situation and the Melanie Martinez situation are making this shit worse for me because now I have to deal with people's opposing views being misperceived as a threat and therefore ruining relationships I actually care about.

Basically It's a never-ending cycle of me losing people I care about and dealing with the after effects of that, plus my already existing mental health issues that are fucking me over, and I just want to go into a coma rn and forget about all of this.

none of this is funny, having BPD isn't funny, abandonment issues aren't funny, losing friends isn't funny, fuck y'all, goodnight.

undiagnosed BPD/problematic in recovery culture is knowing you did some really fucked up shit in your life and wanting to address and apologize for all of it, but at the same time never being able to comfortably speak about what you did with anyone because you're worried that the people you care about most are going to leave you and abandon you because of what you did, and while that's happening you're also struggling to remember half of the details because looking back at what you did is so triggering even to yourself and when you try to tell people that they automatically assume you're lying, so in the end you're just left with being forced to stay silent about it and never giving your victims justice despite wanting to.

so yeah, I've decided not to make that apology video in the end because the risks outweigh the benefits and i'd get sent death threats for what happened either way.

I'm sorry.

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Not exactly a "BPD culture is" ask, but more so an open discussion

Does anyone else with BPD sometimes feel like they don't have a grip on their reality? With all of the splitting, having no perception of myself outside of how others see me, and being able to completely flip my opinions on things in an instant, a lot of times I feel like I have no idea what's real or not. What's actually happening or what's just in my mind.

Do any other BPD havers feel like this too?

We can relate to this! 🙋

- iris 🌸

i’m ready to kill myself i was kinda just hoping i could maybe have sex before i die tho

"What's keeping you alive?" - Nothing, I am just pussy to actually do it lol