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Scared || Yang Jeongin (I.N) FF || Pt. 2

Pt. 1 | >Pt.2< | Pt.3 | Pt.4 (soon)

Pairing: Reader x Jeongin (I.N)

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Warning: Mention of Social Anxiety, Social Isolation and Depression, so please if you get easily triggered by the mentioned things stop reading here.

Disclaimer: English is not my first Language so please don’t mind my bad  grammar ^^’

You were so ready to finally start that new chapter of your life, a new chapter that would be way better than this one.

Or at least that‘s how you wanted to believe, you wanted to believe that after this summer everything would be better, because now you could built up the front you needed,  now you could finally be the person you “needed” to be.

You planned everything, during the summer holidays you got colder. You as a person turned colder you talked even less to you parents, you shut everyone out, even you cousin, your cousin which was you favorite and whit which you had a really good bond, you just didn’t reply to her texts anymore without even giving her a reason or anything.

You knew it was very rude but it was for the better, you would only drag her down and that’s what you wanted the least, so it seamed was easier to just shut her out. The only person who didn’t notice anything that was going on with you was Jeongin, plainly because around him you still acted like you normally did, you weren’t cold to him, you could never be cold to him.

You met him every weekend, normally you would meet up every other day but you had to reduce it at least a little, since you thought it would be better if he had more time for his guy friends instead of wasting it on you.

Everything was normal to him, the version on Y/N he got to see was the version he always saw, your happy version, the y/n that always smiled, made bad jokes and was there for him when he was down.

But one day the summer had to be over, the chill nights got less, you had to get you sleep schedule back on track, and you got ready to finally build that front, you always wanted.

~First day of high school~

You woke up on time got ready and left on time, or at least that's how you planed it you.

Well the first two steps were easy but right before you could leave your house you could feel that you were about to have a break down.

You started to breath heavily, your body started to shake and you had problems keeping yourself together. It was hard but eventually you calmed down and you could finally leave.

You walked to the bus head up high, headphones in your ears and a cold gaze that could probably scared children. You were proud, you managed to contain yourself and you finally were that cold, scary and maybe a little mysterious girl you wanted to be.

Most of the time you hid you earphones under your long hair which really wasn’t difficult at all. You got through most of the days without any bigger problems, not being completely cold obviously, you made some necessary connections since you didn’t want to look like a complete loser.

The only things you really struggled were presentations, you couldn’t get through them without stuttering, getting completely red and shaking, and once you got back to your seat you most likely were about to cry, these probably ere the only times your facade broke down. Some  days you just didn’t attempt the afternoon classes, you just wouldn’t be able to get through them without a breakdown so you gladly accepted that few un-attempted classes.

Eventually you made it through that school year, but you facade kinda broke and you mindset got worse, the society slowly broke you more and more. And to make things worse the school nurse found out about your cuts, it was a day you actually decided attempted not knowing it was the day of the yearly checkup everyone had to get through. So once she told  you to take of you clothes (obviously not your underwear) you knew you were completely fucked, you started to sweat, shake and get red.

But what she did next surprised you, she weight and measured you normally, not mentioning anything about the very obvious scars and only a few day old cuts on your arm. She confused you with that but once you got you clothes back on, she asked about them.

“Look, i saw the cuts on your arms, do you perhaps want to talk about that²

You: “no no I’m fine, they are not so fresh anyways, I’m good now” Your mind: “Bish I wouldn’t be here at all if I knew you were coming so no i obviously don’t want to talk. Especially not to someone I saw for the first time today duuh!!”

She: “Well, they aren’t that old right? But look I don’t want to act to fast, if may make anything just worse and I definitely don’t want that for you. But do you like have someone you can speak with, someone who you are close with, maybe even someone on this school?”

You: “Yeah, yeah I do I have a really good friend, and I told her about it so yeah I’m good” Your mind: “Sure I kinda do have such a person and I told her but she doesn’t get how hard it is to actually deal with all that so I don’t really wanna bother her with it anymore, but I’m fine like it isn’t hard to keep everything in tbh.”

You kept talking with her, assuring her multiple times that you are GOOD and that you don’t need her help.

After about 15 min you finally got out of her room, shaking on your whole body, suddenly breathing heavily, you tried to get you shit together and calm tf down.

Somehow you managed to calm down and after about 20 minutes you headed back to IT class, earplugs plugged in because you surely didn’t have the nerves to cope with all that people around you.

The day went by and you finally got back home, instantly breaking down crying on your bed.

“you are so dump!!” “why did you go to school today?!” “nobody should find out!!” “now she thinks that you are just a  drama queen seeking for attention!” “what if someone else finds out?!” “what if she did write it in the letter just telling you that she won’t?!?” “mom and dad will ind out!!” “I’ will be an even bigger disappointment than I already am!” “And then they will have to pay for a psychiatrist and spent even more money on you than they have to already!!”

With these thoughts circling your mind you started to cry even harder. Not caring if you makeup got all over you pillow you didn’t care at all, you didn’t care about anything right now.

Some hours later you calmed down a little, terrible thoughts still roaming in you mind. You changed into a big hoodie and some sweatpants, tying you hair up avoiding any reflecting surface knowing that you would break down gain once you saw you face in that reflection.

That face that was so much uglier then you wanted it to be, putting on make up wasn’t for making you prettier anymore, it was for there to at least cover that ugly-ness and maybe making it at average looking.

The next day you fell back in that empty space. You were blank, lifeless eyes, a straight face, music blasting in your ears even louder that the days before, clothes even baggier that all the days before, covering that scared and unattractive body of your, that body which wasn’t a body anymore, it only was a shell you kept dragging along.

Once you reached school and your classroom you just plopped yourself down on you chair and you head on the table, silently groaning.

You were so done, so so done with everything, you didn’t even want to breath anymore even that was way to exhausting at the moment.

You heard the teacher and the people talking but you weren’t listening, you were looking on the blackboard but not seeing anything, you were sitting there maybe interacting  with a few people but you weren’t there. You were floating, you soul was floating somewhere, somewhere without any other people, somewhere you felt save but only temporary since you body was still in this world.

Days went on and you kinda did too, you coped with it, somehow. You coped with being the weird, quiet kid again.

You realized that high school was definitely not how you imagined it to be.

Eventually you spoke with a person from your class which you knew was also depressed, you felt somehow connected to them but still you couldn’t really trust them, yet. 

But once the holidays came around everything broke down again. Every time someone asked you to do something your said no. Not that you didn’t want to go but you knew that you couldn’t put up with the countless breakdowns you’d get until you were finally ready to leave this house.

Overthinking the situation you would be in -> Breakdown Doing your makeup, worrying if it was to much or even to less -> Breakdown Doing you hair, deciding if it looked better curled or straight -> Breakdown Picking out some clothes that looked casual and cute, overthinking if it was to less -> Breakdown Trying out 10 different outfits, picking cons at every single one of them -> Breakdown Picking the right accessories to that outfit that you were somehow okay -> Breakdown Checking yourself in the mirror before leaving, having a final breakdown which makes you to text them and say you couldn’t make it.

You kinda isolated yourself from the world, people started to not ask you anymore since you’d only deny anyways. Even the meet ups with Jeongin got less, but you saw his stories on Social media, which showed him and his friends having so much fun.

You were jealous, jealous of all those people that could interact with each other so effortlessly, you envied them so much, you wanted to go out but you mind wouldn’t let you. Constantly telling that nobody would want to be around you anyways, that you were stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, a disappointment, a failure, a shame, everything you definitely didn’t want to be.

Sure Jeongin got a bit suspicious but he just thought that you had fun with your friends he thought you had, he thought that you’d grew up an live separate soon. He didn’t want that to happen, it actually was his worst nightmare, loosing you, the girl  he knew for so long, the girl he liked to call his sister, the girl that made him smile every time he actually wanted to just cry, the girl that was always there, the girl that always saw the good human he was, not caring about any failure that he maybe had, the girl that always puts him first, the girl that was y/n and he knew that no one else could take your place in his life and even if there was somebody he wouldn’t let them because they weren’t YOU.

~ ~ ~

Hey there ! I eventually finished the second part and well here it is! ^^ I hope you like it and I really appreciate if someone even reads this and if you do please tell me your thoughts on this little ff

Anyways I’ll try to keep writing and I probably will upload the third part next week or so. Also it isn’t proof read yet so please excuse small errors. Thank you~

~J☯

Scared || Yang Jeongin (I.N) FF || Pt. 3

Pt.1  Pt.2 | >Pt.3< | Pt.4 (soon)

Pairing: Reader x Jeongin (I.N)

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Warning: Mention of Social Anxiety, Social Isolation and Depression, so please if you get easily triggered by the mentioned things stop reading here.

Disclaimer: English is not my first Language so please don’t mind my bad  grammar ^^’

Time passed and people say time heals everything, well it didn’t, if anything it just got worse.

You Isolated yourself completely, you were rude to your parents to avoid needing to talk to them, trying to make then think it was just puberty and stuff. The least thing you wanted was them worrying about someone like you, yeah sure you are their daughter but still, you already were such a huge disappointment to them and knowing that they would have to pay for a damn psychiatrist adding on top to the money they already had to spend on you, no you you couldn’t do that it would only break you more, way more.

Well but you couldn’t stay in all day either, since your parents would find out very easily. So you just got up put on some makeup and left with a cold ‘bye’ or ‘I’m at ...’s’ just inserting a name that they might have picked up once or twice when you talked about school, and with that you were out. Making your way through the small corridor, speeding up as soon as you heard any kind of noise that could come from another human being, soon you reached the small window that lead to the fire escape staircase thingy which was attached to the wall of your building, you quickly stepped out on it stepped up a few steps and eventually sitting down on one of the just passed ones.

Earphones practically glued into your ears, blasting music into your ears on a volume that most people wouldn’t like, but you actually loved it, it was the only thing that could shut up you thoughts for a few moments.

You had your gaze either wandering around the endless horizon filled with other building which seemed to get taller day by day, or looking down at the busy streets filled with people which all have a purpose in life, unlike you, you just lived on, just existing without any reason for it.

You watched t streets below and as every time you thoughts drifted off in a not so pretty part of you mind.

‘ I could just jump now... everything would end and it would just be over.. all of this crap would be over, all of the failed things were finally over and I only have to jump to do that. ’

You sighed

‘ but it’s so selfish, well I cut everyone of already so it shouldn’t be that hard right? ’

‘ But I can’t do this, I can’t put my parents through that judgment, people will judge them so hard for a daughter that committed suicide, people will talk so much shit about them without even knowing what actually happened ’

“Fuck” you muttered wiping a tear from you cheek.

‘ Do you really have to cry again you fucking weird piece of shit?!? ’

You sat there silently crying and eventually calming down a bit later.

Once it got dark you made you way back in, unlocking the door to your apartment, rushing into your room not even caring if someone was home or not. You locked yourself into you room and just sat on you bed.

At some point you let yourself fall back onto the bed, you pulled your phone out of your pocket turning of the music and unplugging your headphones.

You opened you Instagram and started to scroll through your feed. Until you came across a specific post.

@ yjin: so glad that I have these dorks in my life now~~🤗

@ HAN.js: @ LkNoW yah! why are you blocking my face with your ugly ass hands?😣

@ LkNoW: @ HAN.js it’s not my fault that you are hella short!!😇

@ HAN.js: @ LkNoW I swear to god imma come over to you room and rip you ugly head of you shoulders!!😤

@ LkNoW: @ HAN.js then do so~🤗

@ Woojinnie: @ HAN.js don’t you dare to step a foot in that room, you guys should already be asleep by now!❗

@ hyun_jin: asleep my ass! only because we have the maknae in your room doesn’t mean that we have to sleep early!!🤔

@ b.chan: well it should be like that tho! we have to get up early tomorrow so you better fall asleep yourself, before I make you!😒

@ Felixu: uhh chan eomma is getting mad guys🤐

-and with that their conversation was over-

You looked at your phone for a few minutes.

‘ Well I know it he has fun, gosh Jonginnie grew up so much, bt who were those other guys? ’

You checked out their individual profiles

‘ oh yeah right he finally moved to the dorm. I’m so happy for him..’

You looked at his post again, not sure if you should comment anything or not. You really wanted to tell him that you were proud and very happy for him but on the other side you didn’t reply to his texts and calls throughout the whole last month thinking it was the best for him.

You let you phone drop on you bed and rolled on you back, blankly staring at the ceiling.

‘ I’m so dump, so so so fucking dump, I shut out every single person that shows interest in me, and I still expect them to keep doing that, Why would they like for real why would someone keep showing interest if you shut them out, your so stupid y/n ’

‘ well it’s to late now, I already was a complete asshole, I can’t get out of that now, nobody would want me anymore, well they obviously don’t and it’s all my fault ’

‘ but it’s better that way, every one has a great life, even Jeongin is finally getting closer to his goal of becoming an Idol. gosh, I was holding him back all those years wasn’t ? ’

Your eyes started to tear up again. you rolled over pressing your head into the sheets hoping it would muffle the sound of you sobbing.

-3rd person POV-

The girl silently kept crying for a few more hours until she finally fell asleep. She loved sleeping, it was the only time her busy head stopped working for a few hours letting her rest. She usually stays up until at least 3 am and then sleeps ‘till the afternoon, people say she is lazy and all but there were some very good reasons for her sleeping pattern.

If she sleep long it minimizes the time she would have to spent on that stairs, it minimizes the time she feels guilty for not doing anything, for not being like the others, for not having any friends, it just benefited her in many ways so why should she wake up, why should she wake up and wander through a day full of self destroying thoughts which most of the time ended in actions, she tried to not cut so much but that only leaded into her hitting her own head several times until she felt dizzy.

-Your POV-

Eventually got through you summer break, definitely not ready to start another school year.

You kept looking at Jeongin’s Social medias and found out that he now was in Seoul now. So it maybe was good that you shut him out, I mean it probably was way easier that a sad goodbye. He probably lived on and was able to leave Busan and you without even  thinking to much about it right?

Hopefully.

You kept your old behavior in school not mean just silent and cold, building up the walls around your real self even higher and thicker. And you liked it that way, well you were kinda lonely even tho you always set with some other people out of your call they were just necessary to not look like a complete loser.

The only person you really missed was Jeongin, admitting that he was maybe more than just a brother to you.

Half of the school year passed and it was about to decide where your calls trip you go to. You didn’t pay attention at all, resting your head on your arms one earplug in to block out that hyper active kid on the table next to you.

“ how about a trip overseas? ” a girl which looked like a typical mainstream b*itch suggested.

“ did your tight clothes stop your blood from getting into your head? ” you mumbled maybe a little to loud, which you only realized by the ‘oooh’ sound some people around you made.

You looked at them emotionless.

“ what did you just say?! ” the girl snapped at you

You gaze drifted over and met her’s “ I said, what everyone in this room was thinking, do you really think we would have money for a trip overseas, sorry to crash you view on this world but not everyone gets money shoved up their asses like you and your “friends“, and besides that wherever  we would get you would only complain about everything anyways so why bother going overseas when you can do this here as well? ”

She gasped loudly and very over dramatic, and you were kind of taken aback by your sudden attitude as well not letting it show tho.

The rest of your class was laughing and even you teacher had a little smirk on her face.

The girl didn’t really know what to say anymore so she just glared at you, you looked at her cold.

“ what? you think I would apologize only because you glare at me, sorry but that enormous amount of mascara an eyeshadow don’t scare me at all ”

“ woa y/n chill ” a boy a few rows in front you said chuckling

“ I’m chill I just can’t stand her stupidity any longer ” you sighed turning up the volume of you music and resting your head on you arm again.

“ Well since y/n is very talk-active today why doesn’t she suggest something? ”

Your eyes grew wide, ‘ wow wow wow stop this is getting to much right now, I never agreed of speaking in front of every one, fuck fuck fuck what do I do now?? PANIC! ’

You started to sweat and your cheeks got red right after.

“ I... I don’t care where we are going as longs as we have some free time there. y...you know  to do whatever we want... ” You tried to calm down again.

You were a mess, just sitting there breathing heavily, sweating, glowing red and shaking on you whole body. You clenched you fists.

‘ get your shit together you dumbass!! people will start to notice it!! ’

And just when you thought it couldn’t get worse.

*Ping*

You got a message, wait WHAT??

Your eyes widened, you stared the table beneath you. You slowly pulled out you phone and looked at the pop-up widow on your Lockscreen.

Jeonginnie🌞👦:

Hey, well you ignored all my texts and calls and I didn’t know what to do so.. I gave you time, but I just can’t go on pretending that you just need time, I just get the feeling that you don’t want me in your life anymore,I guess you are just busy with your friends and I have to be okay with that, I’m sorry and take care~

While you read the text you felt your eyes tear up, you tried to hold them in, as well as you upcoming breakdown, you just con’t break down, note here and now. You slowly looked up again, meeting the gaze of several classmates, some looked worried, others looked like you were a complete freak and others didn’t even care.

“ Mrs. Park? Can.. can we maybe go to Seoul for our trip? ” you spoke with a thin, shaky voice fighting against the storm inside of you.

“ That is a good idea y/n, wee can do that if your classmates agree ” she looked through the class and already heard some mumble about what they would do in Seoul

“ Alright, Seoul it is! ”  

As soon as you heard the bell you left storming out of the building, rushing home as fast as you could yet you didn’t go home. You ran up the stairs, as soon as possible you climbed out of the window, onto the same old staircase once again.

You went up a few stairs again, settling down on one that didn’t seem as rusty as the others and finally your wall broke down, you started to cry, heavily yet not really loud, at least silent enough to not be heard.

You just sat there crying your soul out, one word constantly circling in your mind.

“weak”

 ~ ~ ~

Well I guess part 3 is done with that, the next pt. is going to be something a bit different and not as “depressing” I guess.

Also this ff is kind of taking a turn which I didn’t plan at all but I hope I won’t end up making this shitty, also I don’t really know if its going to be a good end or a bad end, I probably will make two tho since I wanna give you guys options and not everyone likes bad ends so yeah. byeee~

~J☯

Stray kids ~ Fake Snaps

I made a few Stray kids fake snaps, hope you like them!

~See ya!

"Them bifocals will get you bi fucked"

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