Mental Health Journal - Tumblr Posts

-Always have time to be in my solitude to remove negative energy 

I meditated for 15 minutes

I even read books for 35-15 minutes (I can't lie, I'm always a spiritual bookworm who loves reading and writing and always remains to be a book lover)

It's a smell of desire

I’m trapped. Literally. I’m constantly facing my triggers, again and again and again and again and again and again

I’m trapped inside my own head. I stare into space and everything becomes blurry, I’m back to where it all started. The emptiness, the abandonment, and the urge to self destruct.

Let the count down begin.

How many days has it been?

When did I see your smile for the last time?

Where did you go?

Unbearable. I shove these thoughts down to the deepest depths inside me. I let Shame mask me.

My memories were stolen from me.

A blank, black screen appears when I try to access the memory. And many other memories.

I was denied a look at him, after he had-

“ Thaw would’ve been too traumatic!”

I’m now left with a guilt, for not being able to see you one last time.

You took everything from me. You claimed it was for the greater good. Now, I can’t even remember his face.

My grandma died one summer. I woke up, my grandpa was freaking out, told me to go back to sleep. He went outside, called an ambulance.

I didn’t listen.

“ Nana?”

Dust particles waved around in the light shining through the windows. In front of one window, was the bed I was supposed to sleep in. I never slept in that bed, I always moved to the couch. I could never sleep alone.

In that bed, lied my grandma. She was as angelic as she was in death as in life.

She however was lifeless. Of course, this isn’t my first loss. She had a red blanked covering her cold body, as if she was asleep. A tear rolled down my eye when I sat next to her body.

I touched her arm.

“Nana?”

“Are you okay Nana?”

“Wake up Nana!”

I touched her forehead, caressing her hair. I leaned in close, waiting for her to wake. But when I first saw her, I knew.

I knew she was gone.

Im left with an angelic image of my grandma forever in my brain. If anything, I think it’s the one thing that helped me cope the most.

But him? My last image of him was stolen from me. I can’t see his face anymore.

Because they kept me from him, he is out of reach.

And that, is forever unforgivable

The amount of times my tears have just come out of nowhere.

I can’t control when I cry.

It just happens. I can’t stop it, I can’t prevent it, and I don’t know how to go about my day to day life. School, band, home life, when I’m around my boyfriend.

With my cptsd, I always have to put a cover around those I’m with. To appease them, calm the beast. Keep them happy, not angry not frustrated not sad not quiet not hurting

I have to keep them non threatening.

The truth is, all of the above are triggering. When they raise their voice, unnecessary cussing, when they have an attitude torwards me. When they’re quiet.

I have to shove trying to distance myself from them being triggering to keep them happy.

Because if I try to do what’s best for me, I always upset them. And that adds stress on me.

It’s a constant clusterfuck