Negativity Tw - Tumblr Posts

Ahh, I see all these people giving their experiences, so I thought I’d give mine. I live in Europe, so we do GSCEs here. They’re like the hurdle once you finish high school, just before you go to college.

I’ve always been in the ‘gifted’ group, part of the top corner. It’s hard when you’re there, because it’s like you’re just supposed to do better than other people? And you’re out on this pedestal and known for being the ‘goody-two-shoes’ and the one who gets everything right, and the expectations and the desired high marks and the studious behaviour just becomes normal until it feels like if you don’t get high marks, you feel like you’ve failed.

This year, I was due to do my GCSEs. Of course, they were cancelled due to the dreaded c word, and instead the results were based on how students performed in mocks and attitude in class, stuff like that. I stressed so much coming up to the results day, because I had an irrational fear of just.. failing everything. I didn’t want to get below a B. So, results day came, and I looked at the packet containing them, anxiety coating every pore. I opened up the packet, and took them out.

I got all As. I even got a singular A**, and a few A*s. And what did I feel? Disappointment that I hadn’t got at least A*s. After all, I was supposed to be at the top, wasn’t I meant to do better?

Looking back on it now, I feel riotously angry. Yes, the higher-learning group should be allowed to flourish and grow to their full potential, but when the stress of the expectations to always do well gets to earhh-shattering pressure, doesn’t that mean it’s time to stop? Just because some of us have the opportunity to have that knowledge doesn’t mean we always want to. I, for one, am tired of the stupid standards I’ve been raised to hold myself to. I think I even started subconsciously dumbing myself down at one point so that I wouldn’t have to deal with such pressure. This behaviour needs to stop. We need to be able to grow in the right ways, so that we can feel proud of our achievements instead of feeling disappointed.

There Is One In Each Classroom

So the summary of my 2 weeks. Check the tags before reading.

So the whole story of my 'journey' since I got injured on 1st September when I tried to catch my demented father when he fell. My whole left arm was caught between his weight and a steel pole as his weight dragged my arm down.

None of my relatives took me to a doctor, I had to ask my grandma -who was operated last month and still in hospital- 's old flame/friend to pose as my uncle. I cannot go anywhere alone because I have very severe panic attack mixed epilepsy; it depends on a few seconds of taking the meds in time to not go into a semi-coma state.

The first doctor I went to, after a 3 hour wait lifted my arm once, I hissed in pain, he didn't let me tell what happened. Reluctantly had me a X ray. Barely looked at it, told me to live before I'm young to have serious trouble. Mom wants to sue him.

Because that son of a bitch didn't send me to MRI. Went to a private sector MRI for like $120 when we don't have a dollar to spare: rotator cuff tear almost to the point of operation, severe mucositis in my shoulder, bruises, blood clots in the muscles.

Went to an another doctor, a traumatologist because the first one was a godfucked idiot and didn't trust his judgment the slightest.

Now. That time in the X ray the nurse YANKED MY ARM ACROSS THE TABLE LIKE IM ON A FUCKING RACK. To the point I blacked out for a second. And then while I was recovering from the pain and trying to control not cussing her out to America I didn't hear her coming back AND SHE FUCKING DID IT AGAIN AND I FUCKING SCREAMED THAT TIME. Now I sleep during the day because the amount of painkillers and the pain make me sleepy. And I fear that diabolical bitch worsened the tear because since then I'm in even more pain. I have a somewhat high pain tolerance because my periods were absolutely fucking vicious so all of this definitely tells something. And its not a fucking coincidence that I worsened after I was literally dragged onto the table. Who the fuck does that to even patients who don't have shoulder pain???

I went back to this doctor a week later, because he's a traumatologist & he wanted to see the MRI. AND HE DIDN'T FUCKING LOOK AT THE SCANS ONLY THE SUMMARY. I was like the fuck, snitched on the cunt nurse, shrugged it off even when I said I CANT FUCKING SLEEP SINCE THEN and I have 3 painkillers in me, 3 mg of the strongest epilepsy-panic attack meds, a pill to prevent throwing up and I was enveloped in the strongest inflammation reduction cream AND STILL IN PAIN. Plus he also said the tear was not a big deal; like BITCH our surgeon friend said I'm on the verge of a fucking operation. Two millimeters more & I'm cut open. WHAT in the FUCK.

The suggestion: medical gymnastics. Then I told him I literally cannot turn my head to the left without screaming.

Again brought up my wrist which doesn't heal since 1st September when it happened, shrugged it off, of course I don't need an MRI. Yah last time I heard I don't need an MRI a fucking tear was discovered. If he presses between the bones, I shit you not my vision whitens for a second due to the pain. Ignored my possibly swollen lymph nodes in my armpit.

Last night & today:

I couldn't fall asleep no matter what because of pain and other symptoms. I had 4 mg epilepsy meds in me & 2000+ mg of different painkillers. Today I had an extremely aggressive fever which refused to go down. I had to take two cooling showers to prevent shock. Meaning it's ice cold while I shower in near 50°C water because I'm a fucking reptile. Because of full body tremors my shoulder is as fucked up as it was on the 1st. I can't move it without yelling. The cooling showers were so fucking bad that I had to shove a rag in my mouth to muffle the screaming so neighbors don't call the cops. My heart game isn't really on top so I had to stay long and start slow to achieve the ice cold so I don't get a fucking heart attack.

Mom & dad was coughing yesterday, mom had a terrible headache, then I came with never ending pains then the fever during the day, bought covid tests. All of us have it. Today would've been the day when we phone the doctor and finally get rid of my demented dad. He would've been taken into a hospital and after there's ONE place in a care home good for him what we can afford. And now it all failed. I'm just... I don't know what I feel. Devastated, angry and so fucking done because I don't want him there anymore. There was a beam of hope to be free, for my mom to sleep, my shoulder to heal, my plans to go back university and of course it's ripped away just like every time in my life.

And of course I'm taking it the worst, I'm weakened by stress, mental disorders, overworked, borderline anorexic, pain from shoulder.

My fucking father? He only coughs a little & a bit dizzy.

Sorry for dumping this onto whoever reads it, I really needed to get this out of my system. I tried to tag the best as I could & also stated at the beginning. I don't know what will I try to distract myself with, writing, YouTube, Wild Rift; I don't know yet. I want to write so badly but my head doesn't cooperate a lot. And I don't want to half ass anything.

okay so i’m going to be real for a sec 

i am not okay. 

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