Anxiety Tw - Tumblr Posts
Anxiety and fear tethers me in paralysis. My heart races wildly within this fleshy cage, externally my face is set in its gentle facade.
Three things you see and hope it sets you free.
I see the glaring white light, emiting from the bulb in the ceiling. It's too bright to look at for more than a moment, and so instead my eyes find you sitting beside me, you are unaware of my high anxiety. Next I see the bottle placed in between us, it is filled with tap water and at last I start to think, that i might not sink.
So I breath a little deeply, counting up to four not five, and after a few minutes it feels like I'll survive.
Living with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria(RSD)
RSD is a real problem and is often found in people who have been diagnosed with ADHD. What it means is we’re hypersensitive to rejection and can interpret things that people say way too much and think that it’s some form of rejection. Getting an actual, legitimate rejection can send us spiraling into depression for hours or even days at a time and cause us to be unmotivated to do things. We’re people pleasers, trying so hard to make sure people are happy with us so that we don’t get rejected. It’s more than just a fear of rejection, it’s a downright terror of it.
What I say: Oh, I won’t bother you with *insert thing here* What I mean: I’m scared you’re going to reject me for sharing this thing that’s personal to me.
What I say: Don’t worry, my anxiety isn’t too bad. What I mean: My anxiety has been killing me, but I don’t want you to think it’s weakness and will stop being friends with me because of it.
What I say: Don’t worry about me. What I mean: I’m afraid if I talk about my major problems, you’re going to reject me and stop being my friend.
What you say: Please stop *blank* What I think: Oh fuck I did something majorly wrong, how can I fix this, what can I do to make things right what do I need to do? Will *person* want to stop being friends with me now? Am I okay?
These are just a few examples of what goes through the mind of someone with RSD. I would love to thank people like @adhd-alien for making comics that I, as a person with ADHD, can look at and relate to. It really calms down my RSD, even if I feel like I can’t talk about it with my friends for that terror that they’re going to reject me for it, even though I know they won’t.
She nodded as Jack explained about the ivy upkeep and the idea of planting trees. Hey, he was the professional after all. Whatever he thought best. If Madi didn't know too much about something, she tended not to care very much and often trusted the judgment of those around her. It was probably a habit to break, remembering Grace and Dominik and the people in her past life who swore they had her best intentions to only fuck her over after she fully pledged her loyalty to them, the world painting her as the villain in the process. "Looks like you have an eye for this sort of thing." She hoped the compliment towards him would ease her as well. Of course, she wasn't naive enough into thinking this would be a friendship, but she didn't want to seem like a hoity toity bitch either. "What got you into like, all of this?"
When he questioned her request about no water, Madisyn shrugged. "Those water features give me the major ick and honestly, the sound of running water kinda freaks me out." She'd never admit it to the full extent, but there was something extremely anxiety inducing about the sound, which was ironic considering it was a major feature of prime relaxation. "That's like, not an issue, right?"
A desire for colour made sense—a space to match the energy of the person dwelling in it. It was exactly how his garden had been back home in Burlington. "Something to keep you going in the dark. I can do that," Jack agreed. Though the winters were harsh out here, there were plenty of plants he could install to combat the dreary season. He'd always loved the splash of pink provided by cyclamen as they poked their heads free of snow on the ground. Edgeworthia with its frilly skirt-like flowers provided both scent and a pleasant few, even when the trees were bare. Hellebore, iris, and pansies all did the trick nicely too. They were all hardy perennials too, which would make life easier and save him from replanting entire beds every year. "Ivy's good, but it'll take some decent upkeep in the spring. Might be worth planting a few more trees down there too," he suggested, looking towards the bottom of the garden.
The request for no water took him by surprise. People with this much space often took it as an opportunity to add in some kind of water feature. He raised his eyebrows at her. "Can I ask why?"
➥ tagging @themadisynhuang
She nodded as Jack explained about the ivy upkeep and the idea of planting trees. Hey, he was the professional after all. Whatever he thought best. If Madi didn't know too much about something, she tended not to care very much and often trusted the judgment of those around her. It was probably a habit to break, remembering Grace and Dominik and the people in her past life who swore they had her best intentions to only fuck her over after she fully pledged her loyalty to them, the world painting her as the villain in the process. "Looks like you have an eye for this sort of thing." She hoped the compliment towards him would ease her as well. Of course, she wasn't naive enough into thinking this would be a friendship, but she didn't want to seem like a hoity toity bitch either. "What got you into like, all of this?"
When he questioned her request about no water, Madisyn shrugged. "Those water features give me the major ick and honestly, the sound of running water kinda freaks me out." She'd never admit it to the full extent, but there was something extremely anxiety inducing about the sound, which was ironic considering it was a major feature of prime relaxation. "That's like, not an issue, right?"
A desire for colour made sense—a space to match the energy of the person dwelling in it. It was exactly how his garden had been back home in Burlington. "Something to keep you going in the dark. I can do that," Jack agreed. Though the winters were harsh out here, there were plenty of plants he could install to combat the dreary season. He'd always loved the splash of pink provided by cyclamen as they poked their heads free of snow on the ground. Edgeworthia with its frilly skirt-like flowers provided both scent and a pleasant few, even when the trees were bare. Hellebore, iris, and pansies all did the trick nicely too. They were all hardy perennials too, which would make life easier and save him from replanting entire beds every year. "Ivy's good, but it'll take some decent upkeep in the spring. Might be worth planting a few more trees down there too," he suggested, looking towards the bottom of the garden.
The request for no water took him by surprise. People with this much space often took it as an opportunity to add in some kind of water feature. He raised his eyebrows at her. "Can I ask why?"
➥ tagging @themadisynhuang
he shakes his head, anxiety still there like an invisible cloud surrounding him but he bounces on his feet, forces himself to believe it's magically gone. " nope, i'm officially stress-free. the stress i began to feel over caring for a plant seemed to evaporated all my other stress weirdly enough, so you know, when you think about it, this things still served some purpose in the hour it was in my life. " when alyssa agrees to take it, relief washes over him. he’s all too happy to hand it over, rid himself of it. “ well congratulations, alyssa, you’re now a plant mom to yet another one of these things and i am free. ” practically beaming now, can’t wait to go home and tell his dog all about it. “ let me know if you ever need a plant-sitter, i’ll help you find someone. ”
they do. it's true. all plants die eventually. and then you have to go out and buy yourself a new one. especially if you're not someone who really knows how to take care of them. " of course you're going to be fine. i have a pup too, so i get it. they're wayyyy tougher and a plant.. well.. it's a plant. you just have to give it some sunlight and water. how hard can that really be for you, you know? " she let out a laugh and a playful roll of her eyes while her tone was also kept teasingly. " way, way, easier. at least in my opinion, yes. " dogs usually always let you know whenever they happen to need anything at all. but with plants, it's not exactly as if it can bark and let you know what it needs. " you no longer have any stress? " she made a face as she looked at ace because she could see right through the expression clear as day on his face that he was indeed.... quite stressed out right about now. " you sure? because you seem like you are to me. " she paused before continuing to speak. " if you don't want it...i'll take it. we do have a few cute plants in my apartment. so, what's one more? "
Today I had a small anxiety attack during a math test so I took my watch off (my anxiety is largely touch-triggered and the watch was messing me up a little). Do things to help your mental health!
Honestly I'm still really proud of taking control of the situation like that
Today I had a small anxiety attack during a math test so I took my watch off (my anxiety is largely touch-triggered and the watch was messing me up a little). Do things to help your mental health!
Do you ever just wish you could be sick tomorrow like. Yeah I have commitments tomorrow that I would like to attend to but missing things tomorrow seems like it will have less consequences than any other day and I'm so tired. I need to recuperate please and thank you let me sleep for 10 hours tomorrow
105 Comfort Prompts
As usual, my requests and asks are open! if you do request, no smut please :)
TW: PANIC ATTACK, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION. ALCOHOL MENTION. CHEATING MENTION.
DIALOGUE:
GIVING COMFORT:
“Hey, tell me what’s wrong?”
“I’m here for you.”
“It’s going to be okay.”
“Are you all right?”
“You’ll be okay, I promise.”
“What’s going on?”
“Come here, let me hold you.”
“Please, don’t cry.”
“I have you.”
“Take a deep breath.”
“Tell me what you’re feeling.”
“I’ll take care of it, don’t worry.”
“I won’t leave.”
“Why don’t we go on a drive?”
“Let it out.”
“Everybody makes mistakes.”
“You’re all right.”
“Shh, shh, it’s okay.”
“Can I hold you?”
“Do you-- can I-- do you want to be held?”
“Do you want solutions, or comfort?”
“I have chocolate/flowers?”
“Do you want to watch a movie with me?”
“Tell me what I can do for you.”
“...Who do I need to punch?”
“Come on, breathe with me.”
“You don’t have to be perfect.”
“You’re perfect just the way you are.”
“How can I help you?”
“Can I touch you?”
“Where does it hurt?”
“You’re allowed to be weak, you know.”
“You have this.”
“You’re never a burden.”
“You aren’t weak.”
“We’ll get through this.”
“Relax, I got you.”
“Please, just open up. I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“They’re not going to get to you, I promise.”
“Follow my breaths.”
NEEDING COMFORT:
“This is stupid--I’m stupid.”
“‘M so weak.”
“I’m sorry I’m not strong enough.”
“I’m a burden, aren’t I?”
“I-- please, help.”
“I can’t breathe, I don’t know what to do-- I can’t--“
“I feel lightheaded.”
“I’m sorry. We were supposed to have fun today.”
“I’m getting your shirt wet...”
“Are you sure this is okay?”
“I should be stronger.”
“I don’t want to get out of bed today.”
“Hold me, please.”
“Why won’t you let me apologize?”
“Thank you for this.”
“I feel safe with you.”
“...You bought me chocolate/flowers?”
“Did you really drive all this way just for me? It’s two in the morning.”
“Is that my comfort movie?”
“You came all this way? For me?
“I’m not worth the time you spent coming over here.”
“Please, leave. I’m--”
“...Why are you here?”
“My problems are mine, I don’t want to be a burden on you.”
“You’re too nice to me.”
“I’m a mess…”
“I’m broken, don’t you understand?”
“It’s raining. You should be inside. I’m fine.”
"I'm sorry."
"Why can't you understand? You're too good for me!"
"I can't do this. I can't-- I can't-- I can't--"
"Just shut up! I'm not as good as you say I am!"
"Why do you care so much?"
"Am I really worth it?"
"Thank you for being here."
"I thought I'd be alone today after what happened... thank you."
"You don't know how much I appreciate you."
"Do I really mean that much to you?"
"Stop banging on my door!"
"I love you."
SCENARIOS
Your lover isn't feeling well, and even though it's probably dangerous to drive this late at night, you have to make sure they're all right.
Head between their knees, your lover has their back against the wall, and you're by their side, and trying to help them through whatever is troubling them.
Your best friend's lover broke up with them, and despite having no idea, you supply them with snacks and horrendous movies. At least they smiled at the end of it all.
Trying to keep a smile on your face through the weight of the world to not worry your lover. They figure it out anyway.
Standing in front of a mirror, hands against the counter, with tears dripping down your cheeks, struggling to get everything under control. Everything’s going well until your lover cracks the door open and asks if everything’s okay. It isn’t.
Seeing your lover break down over work/school/family, and trying to comfort them to the best of your abilities, heart breaking with every sob out of their lips.
Struggling to sleep in you and your lover’s shared bed because they’re working in the living room/kitchen/their office and the bed feels far too cold and empty. Seeking their comfort, you curl up on their lap/beside them/around them.
Knowing from the moment they said good morning that something was wrong, and trying to schedule your day to spend the most time with them; arms around their neck, waist, shoulders, to provide comfort.
Your lover’s back against your chest, you curled around them. Every agitated breath and erratic heartbeat pulsing through your skin, but slowly, it starts to fall over time.
Your back against your lover’s chest, their slow heartbeat stark against your stressed one. Gently, the rise and fall of their chest lull you back to safety.
Sitting in the car, your head against the headrest and mind spinning, but your lover’s hand firm against your thigh keeps you grounded to reality.
Your ex is trying to embarrass you in public, but your lover steps in as a shield, eyes ablaze in a fury.
Your head against your lover's chest, tears drenching their shirt, they don't care about the wet fabric and just rub your back.
Lungs squeezed to death, you try to breathe through the overwhelming suffocation on your shoulders. Patiently, your lover holds your hands and squeezes them in time with their breaths, eyes gentle.
Your lover made a small/big mistake and they can’t get it out of their head. To everyone else, it was just a small mishap, so you spend a few minutes/an hour/the rest of the night holding and comforting them.
Done with the feeling of being an burden, you try to push away from your lover's comfort, only for them to drag you back into a firm hold.
Something horrible happened, but your lover won't answer the phone/any texts. Standing outside of your door, you threaten to start throwing rocks at their windows/slamming on their door if they don't give any proof that they're all right.
You found your lover on a cold metal bench, hair and clothing drenched, tears pooling down their cheeks. Instead of asking what's wrong, you put your jacket over their shoulders and open up an umbrella.
Your lover's burning up and for some reason keeps bursting into tears at the smallest things. You're a little bewildered, but stay near them all the same.
After an all-nighter, your lover's brain is scrambled, and they keep shedding tears when they think nobody's looking. After coaxing them into your arms, you curl into one another on the couch.
Your lover wakes up to you gasping for air, eyes wide as you just saw horrors beyond your own comprehension. They sling an arm around your waist and pull you close, face tucked against your neck.
Underneath the blankets, you refuse to get out of bed. Despite feeling horrible about yourself, your lover refuses to leave you be and makes you breakfast, all with a gentle smile.
Your best friend's spouse cheated on them right before valentines day, so as their best friend, you spend the rest of the night trash-talking over bad rom-coms.
Your lover right beside you, comforting you as you weren't able to get the job you wanted/into the university you applied to. Their encouragement makes one more attempt seem not so bad.
Your best friend's drunk and wailing, and you're trying to both comfort them and stop them from climbing into the washing machine.
.
kami's exhausted. tired. it's his own fault, really, pushing himself to work the last few days of the work week when he felt under the weather at best. it's a good thing he had today off, he'd PLANNED to spend most of it sleeping. at least, for the most part, he's feeling better. it must be the lack of patrons or customer service voice he has to put on.
at the very least, kami had anticipated lying in a miserable stupor for most of the weekend. not that he'd planned on shutting anyone ELSE out. but sometimes, his thoughts ― even with his medication ― get the best of him. he's found it far more helpful to let himself stew in self imposed misery before reaching out for a sense of normalcy.
when he hears the knocks on his door, he groans and hoists himself up off the couch, knocking his phone to the ground. he'd intended on MAYBE browsing the internet at some point today, but that's forgotten about as he rests his hand on the doorknob. kami realizes he probably should actually check to see who's at the door ― he hadn't expected company, nor had he ordered food. there should be no real reason for anyone to just randomly knock on the door.
he pulls it open.
for a second, kaminari stares at the figure before him. too tired, head pounding, and just confused. this... looks like someone he'd once known a long time ago. months and months and―
he promptly SLAMS the door shut, even going the extra mile to turn the lock. all at once, his chest tightens and aches, like he's having a heart attack randomly. cluching his chest, kami sinks to the ground, turning his back to the door and leaning against it. he's breathing heavily, hunched forward with knees drawn up. cluching his temples, kami lets out a terrified moan, staring wide eyed at the ground.
"no, you stopped haunting me," kami blurts out. voice, probably muffled through the door. he EXPECTS 'kuni' to hear it. "i'm on meds now, you stopped haunting me. you aren't supposed to hurt me anymore. why are you me?"
no, NOT him. kuni. she'd introduced herself as kuni this time. the wave of panic rushes over him again, threatening to drown him. kami almost can't even breathe, save for wheezing rasps as he presses his trembling fingers more painfully against his temples. "you're dead. you're both dead. makoto why? please stop haunting me, please just leave me alone. i'm... please..."
he can hear his blood roaring in his ears loud enough that it threatens to drown out his THOUGHTS. the door before him looks more imposing than it has any right to be. knock. knock. knock. that's all he needs to do — that's supposed to be the easy part, yet ku ... no, ren finds himself freezing when it counts. ( cold feet. just his luck, huh? ) it probably doesn't help that this is the longest he's spent in public in — well, MONTHS. the brunt of his social interactions have consisted of monosyllabic exchanges with the night shift cashier of his local convenience store. after a while they stopped even questioning the vast amounts of caffeine-leaden garbage he was putting into his body. in hindsight, that probably wasn't a good thing.
okay. enough stalling. an inhale, an exhale — and he's raising a hand, rapping knuckles sharply against his cousin's door.
ren waits and waits and waits for him to answer. he's adorned himself in a dark jacket with a hood large enough to comfortably shroud any recognizable features from wandering eyes. ( fucking security cameras might as well be planted on every street corner these days. ) the lower half of his face is adorned with a mask, and when the door FINALLY cracks open, he preemptively hooks a finger beneath the thin fabric. ❝ ... kaminari. ❞ the name feels awkward on his tongue, like the months and months of separation have left it feeling unfamiliar. he stares at his cousin — meeting the eyes that bear such eerie resemblance to his own. he really should have taken the time to plan out what he was going to say, but he didn't and there's no point in agonizing over what's already done. ❝ i know how strange this might look, but i can explain. ❞ and he punctuates the reassurance by tugging the mask down, revealing his face in full. same indigo hair, same piercings, same shadows beneath his eyes from a decade of substituting coffee for sleep.
❝ it's kuni. seriously. and i'm not dead — never was. ❞ weight shifts impatiently from one foot to the other. he has to fight the urge to look over his shoulder. ❝ can you hurry up and let me in? standing around out here is making my skin crawl. ❞
@oficeandwind new and improved modern AU!
he waits for the noises outside to die down. kami doesn't TRUST himself to open the door immediately and check. but he raises his gaze toward the ceiling, checking to make sure no hallucination is going to suddenly manifest from above. when nothing shows up, kami squeezes his arms, pinching them and leaving red spots behind. not enough to BRUISE, but more to check that he's lucid.
his pills were supposed to be stronger than this. but usually, the noises are followed with visuals, and without those, kami is starting to breathe regularly. more FORCED, but he's breathing. carefully, quietly, he's turning around and lifting himself up to peek through the hole. he's terrified of what he'll maybe see on the other side, so he sucks in a deep breath, pressing his hands to the door as he looks.
it feels like something straight out of a horror movie. there's NOTHING there ― but he's not marking himself as safe yet. not until he knows for sure.
"k...kuni?" kami tests the waters. he holds his breath as he scans what little he can see, but either the manifestation left, or kami was just having a very lucid dream. unlocking the door, he pulls it open, just in time to see his cousin.
with a shriek, kaminari jumps back, tripping over his own feet and landing HARD on his ass. it's painful, and he's wincing, half rolling to his side to rub at his tailbone. the door swings open wide to slam into the inside wall with enough force to almost slam shut again. LUCKILY, it doesn't. and the door rests, slightly more than ajar and leaving kami with plenty of room to stare.
his gaze never leaves his cousin. he's still not sure if he's hallucinating anything or not, but he's very much aware he's awake this time, with clarity. there's no fade out, no whispers that accompany this. just a very real, very SOLID figure sitting on his porch and looking almost dejected. or at least, that's what the posture looks like to kami.
"what the fuck, kunikuzushi?" kami snaps. the panic is fading, giving way to very sharp anger. he's still trembling, now harder than before. he isn't sure if he's going to have another anxiety attack or pass out, but he remains seated. "what the hell is actually wrong with you? if you're even real, that is!"
he lurches back when the door SLAMS in his face, only just barely managing to preserve his dignity by swallowing back a yelp. ❝ kami — ! ❞ the hacker hisses, trying his damndest to keep a low voice while still somehow conveying his displeasure to the SABOTEUR on the other side. he surrenders to his paranoia, glancing over his shoulder to ensure no wandering eyes are watching this downright embarrassing display. fortunately, the neighbors haven't come creeping out of their homes to gawk like the empty-skulled lemmings they most assuredly are — but that doesn't mean this commotion won't draw unwanted attention if he isn't able to stop it quickly. ❝ bastard. ❞ ren mutters, turning back to the door. he has half a mind to start clawing at it like a cat. see how much of a hallucination he is after he's caused a pretty penny of well earned PROPERTY DAMAGE.
he settles for knocking — again. still clinging to the barest threads of proper social decorum, if only for the sake of minimizing the spectacle. ❝ i'm not aunt makoto — and i'm not another manifestation of your mind playing tricks on you. ❞ knock. knock. knock. ❝ i'm very real and very alive. i can even prove it if you'd just do me a favor and open up already. what's the harm? it's just me. ❞ knock. knock. knock. ❝ you know that i know how to pick locks. so why don't you save us both the trouble and let me in ... before i FORCE my way in and throttle you. non — ugh. NON-FATALLY, for the record! ❞
this clearly isn't working. his back hits the door with an audible THUMP and he sinks down to the ground. tugging knees to his chest, ren rests his chin on top of them. maybe this was a bad idea. ( no, it definitely is. ) he's well aware that kaminari has his own demons — and is swiftly coming to the unnerving realization he probably contributed GENEROUSLY to them with his little stunt. he simply assumed appearing like this would be enough to fix it. fix everything. repair the damage, repay his debt — though it seems as if he's accumulated INTEREST over the months and months he's diligently kept himself hidden. ren didn't think kaminari would care so much. his mother certainly didn't; she couldn't even be bothered to handle his funeral arrangements herself.
they hadn't even gotten the flowers right; bruise-violet and crimson like freshly spilled blood. his favorite color was BLUE.
❝ i made a mistake. ❞ he finally says, voice taut like a string pulled near to breaking. ❝ i had to resort to doing something desperate — otherwise i would have ended up dead for real ... please, kaminari. ❞ pride tastes foul on his tongue, but ren swallows it down to beg. ❝ i need your help. just open the door ... and i'll give you the explanation you deserve. ❞
