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What a badass stay in the Big Apple!
Dear Diary #5
On a much lighter note. I have to say that I love myself, even more than I thought I could ever could. I was at work. Rushing to the bathroom because well I have been hydrating like theres no other. Being in the service. I have to say fitness is key and well I have been slacking. And now I'm getting bak on tract. So It have been drinking. A shit ton of water every day. Well, I look too dame good..
I've always been relatively thin! Hungry looking, as I jokingly say now a days. So I'll just SSAYY... with quotations "Thin." Because now! I'm not, but I use to be. At 24 I use to be 150 pounds. Currently I'm close to 260. I find that to be some what of an achievement because I never thought I was going to make it. Make it as in, alive.
I was on Columbia University campus. In the religious hall. Where one of the professors have taken a kindness to me. He began to mentor me. In the beginning stages of him mentoring me. He kept asking me critical thinking questions. At that time, I have never, ever been more annoyed with someone in my entire life.
The question was. "How do you see yourself living in a few years?"
To be honest, I did't know how to answer him. From the age of 16 - 24 I have to say I was literally left. In the wild I go, to figure out life. Drifting back and forth between NJ and New York. Trying to find my footing. Only too later on find a guy I though I could have spent the rest of my life with. Albiet that's a story for another time. My mentor's other question was! "What do you see yourself doing in the next few years?" This question was very challenging for me. Because I had absolutely no clue as how to effetely answer him.
Then he became more and more specific..... After seeing the lack of light in my eyes. He said out loud. "Do you even see yourself living"? Without hesitation I said "No!" When I answered. I was speaking metaphorically and maybe, just maybe, literally. I never thought about the value of my life. Because I was left to wonder the world or city streets of Manhattan.
It's moments like this that I like to reflect on because I am better than I was all those years ago. I have a stronger sense of self worth and a better sense of awareness in myself. And how I'm going to achieve what I'm going to achieve. I'm happier and heavier than I have been in a very long time. I'm no longer hungry and broke. I'ma chunky monkey that's stable. If I could I would love, love, love to say thank you to all the men who took the time to say what they had to say to me. To make me aware of what I was and was not doing. These were amazing and beautiful Black men.
On all of my moments of refection. I have to say that This, that moment was when I woke up. That I had something going on with me. With me Being a follower of Baccus in his non roman form. And quite literally being next to a statue of a Satyr. NO! Dionysus is not a satyr. It would correctly be closer to Pan. But! this statue gave me more of a Dionysus vibe at that time in my life. Quick tangent. I like him because I relate to how beautiful his spoken about in the stories. and how he was loved. How he lived in freedom. To me! How could I not want to be around an energy that gave that level of carelessness. Now a days. I'm a lot more of an Orisha man. But! I do love my Greco-Romans.
I'm not to sure how many people can say they can point out the moment where there life have taken a turn for the better. But to me I believe that that day in those moments. In that hour, of being questioned. I realized there's a lot more to life than existing.
Thank you Tumbler Diary for reading my words and taking my thoughts into your head.