Past Trauma - Tumblr Posts
"All we ever wanted was love. That connection between souls That merges them into one. We started dreaming about it at the age of five, Wondering at everyone we met "Are you the one?" But decades came and went And after all of this time I find I am still alone. Forces greater than myself Content with teasing me. If past lives are real I must have been truly offal. I would like to think I deserve the life I've been given. The pain never seems to end. The psychological torture The only constant I have known. Through the years My belief in future love Was all that kept me going. Hope that one day Someone would come And heal all of my wounds. Maybe that was to much to put on someone, But I couldn't help it. I wanted someone to see me for me, To understand me and to not judge me. To love me as I so desperately needed, With all of the fervency I myself contained. But no one ever did. After all of my waiting I have gone to far. Unaproachable. Too broken. A box of mismatched parts Barely held together. I have only one fantasy Reimagined a thousand times over. I keep going over it again and again So I can make it through the years." - Andrew
I sometimes wonder, if I could go back in time.
What would I tell my younger self, would I let them know it gets better, but only after it gets worse.
Would I scold them for being so complacent with everything we had and will go through.
I think, I'd let them to stop smiling all the time.
To not be so forgiving with those who hurt us, instead of answering "it's ok" to save us some heart aches and learn to cut off from the poisonous people sooner.
And I'd remember, that light I lost back when I was so young
Quirks/Habits Your Whumpee May Develop As a Result Of Trauma
Warning: Minor self harm.
Biting their nails/skin
Chewing the inside of their cheek
Saying 'no' to all new things
Repetitively running their hand up and down their arm/outer thigh
Gritting/grinding their teeth
Running their fingers through their hair
Zoning out during conversations
Getting defensive over minor things
Shutting down when things get too much
Sleeping to avoid stressful situations
Never making eye contact
Going non-verbal
Apologising far too much
Eating too much/not enough
Talking to themselves
Scratching their skin
Biting their lip
Shying away when people make sudden movements
Shivering at random moments
Saying 'ow' before anything has touched them
Blaming themselves even when It's not their fault
Punishing themselves when something goes wrong
Which Domino Falls First?
Golden Ratio/Aventio/Ratiorine/Dr. Ratio x Aventurine
Tags: fluff, hurt/comfort, they both need a hug, past trauma(Aventurine), insecure Ratio (trust me), pining, resolved emotional anguish (not completely gone, that takes time to heal), Post-Penacony, suicidal Aventurine, Ratio SIMPING SO HARD, author is crying.
Aventurine awoke, alive. Anyone else would call it a miracle. Aventurine would call it a last minute choice. The note from the good doctor... It made his mind spin in spirographs. Ave was aware of the "mutual respect" they had, and Ratio never strayed from the rocky road Aventurine paved for them all. Yet this simple, short note had given him... "hope" if he can call it that. It was difficult to believe the kindness. Not because the good doctor is incapable of it, far from the truth, but simply due to the fact that the message was aimed at Aventurine.
He emerged from the dream pool, hearing commotion out in the halls. Yet he stood over the doctor's advice, eyes tracing each word, trying to decipher the meaning. It didn't make sense in the slightest. The first part about Death and Dormancy did, unsurprising that his doctor-- his? No. It was unsurprising that the doctor figured it out. Maybe he knew from the start, just how Ave knew death wasn't real in the beautiful dream. Dr. Ratio would never solve an equation for a student of his, he'd give guidance. The second part however... It was so sincere it hurt. In a moment of impulse he felt the need to destroy it. Yet he didn't. Still, he wasn't going to fall for the bait. Aventurine is an investment, a tool, not a person someone could care for. If someone, even the doctor, would make that mistake... Aventurine would let them have a taste but no more. Just enough to satisfy them, just a little bit of honey in their tea. Once that itch is scratched people often move on.
Aventurine's flirting wouldn't be out of character by any means, however now it wouldn't be for fun and the act... Now it would be a shield meant to crack slightly before shoving the... 'friend' away.
Veritas waited, pacing the room. He did everything as he was told, however much it pained him to see that damned gambler tear himself apart. And, oh Aeons, did it hurt. He shunned himself with every clouded thought. The gambler would never settle for him. Him, a man who cannot grasp the one goal he has. He is no genius. Despite the hard work, the Aeon didn't spare him a glance. Why should Aventurine? The gambler needed someone who could steer him away from the danger and Veritas had failed time and time again. He could have deviated, however that would either doom the gambler or... knowing him, anyways go to his advantage. Aventurine's mind was vast despite the lack of proper education, and by no means a void. It was frustrating, it was beautiful. No matter what Ratio did he would have seen it coming, surely. "Luck" he called it. Yet another lie. No, not a lie... a careful misdirection.
His act was nearly flawless. The way he seemed deeply hurt at the 'betrayal', how he toyed with Sunday and everyone else... Aventurine wasn't a player, no, he was the game master. The players had input, yes, but Aventurine was dictating the pace, secrets, clues, the when and the where.
Nearly flawless. The only thing the gambler didn't take into account was Veritas being aware of the hurt behind his confidence. Yes, he was told the plan, but even as it was explained to him Aventurine was acting. A never-ending layer after layer of masks. But Veritas saw through it all. Aventurine was scared. Terrified even. He longed for that death yet never managed to fail at fleeing from it. But it wasn't just fear behind those pretty eyes. It was resentment for himself and others, it was vengeful, hurt. Veritas understood all of those far too well. Yet he couldn't resent himself for... wanting to hold him. Though that would never happen in honesty. It was clear. If Ratio were to pursue him, Ave would allow it and think of him as nothing more than another person who wants to use him. Yet he longs for those eyes to look at him with anything but faux emotions.
"Doctor~"
Ratio stopped his pacing and turned abruptly, looking him over where he stood in the doorframe. A peculiar sight it was. Ratio was extremely relieved and glad, but one thing struck him as odd. Aventurine didn't walk into the room fully and close the door. He used the public's eye as a shield. Therefore the doctor didn't dare approach him.
"You survived afterall."
"All thanks to my friends, including you, dear doctor."
The tone of his voice was the same as always. Ratio prayed to every Aeon that perhaps this Penacony situation might change him even in the slightest for the better. Once he saw he'd learned nothing, but still felt those eyes draw him in, that is when he hated both of them. Mostly himself. Aventurine was a victim afterall, a willing victim, but one nevertheless. He couldn't blame him as much. It was still disappointing.
"Doctor, don't tell me you didn't bet on me! Your face seems displeased. I thought you'd be happy to see me~"
Now he didn't understand him. After everything, he hadn't learned... although change takes time. Another thing didn't make sense. He turned his head away, eyes unfocusing. Why did Aventurine come find him in the first place? What did he want now that the job was done? Did the note actually have an effect on him? And if so why is he playing the same role as before?
"Ratio, are you alright?"
His head turned at an incredible speed, eyes wide. Ratio knew he was silent in thought for too long, as he does when solving a particularly difficult problem, but for the gambler to sound so raw and even use anything other than 'doctor'...
"Yes. I assume you read my advice."
"It was quite helpful indeed! I knew I could count on you, Doc. But don't let it get to your head~"
And there it was again.
"Will you stop that? It's infuriating."
"What ever could you mean?"
"Do you really take me for a fool?"
It hurt deep inside his chest, just like failing a student for the first time. Ratio was ruthless with his grading yet always hoped it would push the student to try harder. It was only fair to offer the gambler the same treatment.
Aventurine couldn't believe his own blunder. He was not one to make such a significant mistake. 'Ratio, are you alright?' So incredibly idiotic. His walls were built anew. Who was to fall first?
"Well~" Aventurine swallowed the unease and took a step in, closing the door without turning his back to him as if Veritas would pounce the moment he did.
"Well what?"
"I know what you want from me, doctor~ It was obvious from the very start. I waited patiently for you. Don't I deserve a reward?"
"And what is it you think I want from you?"
Aventurine swallowed hard as he approached him and placed a hand on his chest. He didn't expect his wrist to be grabbed and yanked to the side. Did he misunderstand? No, surely not. Ave got closer still, looking up at him, flashing his eyes.
"Don't you want to thoroughly examine the sweetness of the last avgin? Isn't it tempting?"
"Your hypothesis is incorrect, zero points."
"You grade me before I've tested it? It hurts~"
Ratio sighed in frustration, trying not to yell some sense into him.
"No, you know what truly hurts? Watching you strap bombs to yourself and eagerly walking alone, waiting to be blown apart."
"So you do care~"
"More than rationally reasonable."
That's it. Veritas fell first, setting off the entire line of dominos. But Aventurine was never in that line, he was the hand to push him. Ave watched the fury in his eyes. How delightful. If he can make the doctor hate him, that will be an easier victory. Before Aventurine could answer Ratio continued.
"I am fully aware you do not want me so spare us both the trouble. Either you will be honest with me or you will walk out and close that door," they both know Veritas would leave it slightly ajar, "and the choice is yours alone."
Despite the disgust in his gut, he did want him. That feeling was out of anxiety that Ratio will be just like everyone else. Aventurine didn't drop his faux happy before getting on his toes to kiss him. But Veritas let go of his wrist and took a single step back. Ave barely managed not to stumble. Ratio couldn't hide his irritation.
"I will not allow you to make a fool of me any longer. Make your choice, gambler. Leave and continue playing games... or stay and fold."
Aventurine thought he understood at least slightly. Now though Ratio's grading was deserved. What did he want then? He laid down an all-or-nothing bet, showing all of his cards, but what he wanted Aventurine to bet in return was unknown to him.
"You want honesty? That's all? You're a terrible businessman."
"I already know your past, for the record. What I want to know is who you really are, not who you used to be or pretend to be. Your mind is on the level of a genius. Something I cannot achieve or even begin to translate."
The praises didn't feel empty. Why? Flattery never affected him. They were always hollow words, sweet nothings. Veritas was far too honest. His shield cracked slightly and now was the time to push him away. He couldn't. Why? Why couldn't he?
"Who are you?"
"A hopeless man."
Hopeless. That is something they shared until recently. Until the reverse suicide note written for him.
"And what if I'm honest and you hate me?"
"I doubt that's a possibility."
"But you do not deny it."
"I don't fear the unknown, I long for it."
Kakavasha bit his lip, bruising it. Not in an attractive, playful way. It was to remind himself this wasn't a fabricated dream bubble. He longs to know him? Not to touch him, not to be touched, not to use him? How could anyone want that?
Now that Kakavasha missed the opening to push him away that would not shatter himself... he let the tears flow. The bitter tears that he's held in his entire life. He covered his mouth and crumbled to the ground, choking on sobs. He didn't know what to expect but all the same Veritas' arms hovering around him, asking for permission wordlessly... they terrified him. Kakavasha was the one to pounce, throwing himself into the good doctor's arms, the good doctor. Those arms made him feel more safe than his Aeon's shield ever did. He couldn't believe himself. His hands clutched at whatever fabric he could reach.
Veritas held him firmly. Ave may be hurt, but he was not fragile. He wasn't a flower wilting. He was a grand temple of Preservation, enduring more than many could, standing tall despite the cracks. So many years he stood, a pillar of endurance. And even so near the ground, seeking comfort desperately, he was still standing.
He learned.
Kakavasha didn't stop sobbing until he passed out in his arms, tears staining Veritas' clothes. He carried him into the bed, Ratio's bed, and walked away. Or rather he would have until he hear that pained, soft voice.
"Don't leave me, please, Veritas."
Ratio had no doubts in his mind. He held Kakavasha, both in the same bed, no intentions from either of anything sinful. Unless holding each other was sinful. Then they both were to suffer together.
Curssed be the Aeon who rejected him, for someone higher than THEM had chosen him. If Veritas could have taught Kakavasha that he can be cared for, that he is not unwanted... that would make all his efforts worth the torment. The tossing and turning. The sleepless studies. Everything. Because he saved a life and he improved it. If only slightly. Yet Veritas doesn't expect a PhD, a reward, compensation. Simply the fact that Kakavasha could continue on with these facts is enough. And if those eyes ever look at him with honesty, whatever the emotion, it would feed his starving heart. He is willing to wait a lifetime even if it never comes.
Veritas was fully aware that this wasn't all that Kakavasha was. He wasn't just a victim, just hurt, just his past. He looked forwards to witnessing all of him if he would allow it.
As Veritas felt Kakavasha's breath stabilise and slow, his tense body relax in his arms... His mind was clear.