Random Brain Spewing - Tumblr Posts
bored, brain spew time- my experiences with gender are Weird.
born AFAB in the US south, several forms of neurodivergence (Autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, possible BPD but that one’s just a theory), mom was/is very open about gender and whatnot, dad didn’t/doesn’t like talking about it
went to a private Christian school for grades K-3, very “tomboy” like for those years. sometimes asked to be referred to by my middle name because it was more neutral than my first one- not knowingly for gender reasons at the time but looking back that was not cis behavior lmao
never really processed what it *meant* to be perceived as fem/masc/nb until middle/high school years, existed Purely On Vibes until then
Socially awkward disaster for almost my entire schooling time. Had trouble understanding conversation rules (thanks, mostly-unmedicated Autism /s), but with extensive training I eventually just ended up as a robot, silent for fear of overstepping and being rude
did a lot of reading about LGBTQ+ identities in the hopes of being considerate to my classmates
brain clicked with demigirl and/or genderfae for almost all of middle school
quarantine hits and most of my interactions shift to being online. internet kinda defaults to he/him when talking about randos in game lobbies… matter of time until I get referred to as such… and it isn’t uncomfortable? kinda vibe with it??
start experimenting with various labels:
agender didn’t work because I still was okay with being perceived as she/they/he;
bi-gender didn’t feel right either;
stuck with genderfluid for a while but it felt a bit too rigid- like I had to pick which mode I was in constantly to fit the description;
knew it was SOME kind of non-binary but I didn’t know much about the various umbrella and sub-type terms
‘bout a year into quarantine, still in school, making pride pins because I wanted to sell them and make money somehow, did some more research, learned about genderqueer.
and then the lightbulb finally stopped flickering and stayed on.
as of late, I’ve done more reading because a lot of the folks I talk to in Tavern-Frontiers and the surrounding groups are also LGBTQ+. found a label called “gendervague”- gender perception impacted by neurodivergence. while I’m personally not gonna use it as a main label, it definitely fits as a description of the clusterfuck that is my experience with identity
best way I can describe how I identify is “fuck if I know, call me whatever makes it easier.” General vibes I feel with different sets below:
she/her- born with it, used to it, okay with it
he/him- still feels new but I can work with it (I mostly use this when I refer to myself online, to help get used to it)
they/them- good default, not as natural as she/her but also not as exciting as he/him
it/its- :pensive_robot: yeah (nothing really wrong with it, but I’d rather call myself it than be called it)
neopronouns- never tried before, funky and new! (good funky, like a new genre of music- not bad funky, like socks)
Almost exactly two years ago, I had a dream that Banshee was allowed to say “fuck”
I am still in the firm standing that Banshee should be allowed to say “fuck”
April Fools day is cringe. I’m not going to do that shit, haven’t done that shit in ages, and won’t tolerate that shit towards me.
The one day of the year when I let the spikes come out in full force
This goes for all my blogs btw- have a safe April, and punch anyone who hurts you
Those who’ve been here for a while (and have seen my art) have probably heard that I have weird moments of phantom limbs that I realistically wouldn’t ever have- wings, spikes, horns, animal ears, or a tail (which is the current bother)
Idk if it’s a furry thing or an alterhuman thing or a therian thing or whatever it counts as but it fuckin sucks
and the closest analogues I have- mechanical wings, a belt tail, barrette ears- don’t line up right and have no nerve-feelings so it just feels awkward on top of the phantom sensation
Idk, I feel weird talking abt this… like I’m a “freak” and a “furry (derogatory)”
but it genuinely gets in the way sometimes- like right now, when I can’t sleep bc I can “feel” my tail even though it isn’t there and it’s making my brain go nuts
I’m not sure if therianism (is that the word?) is even what I’m experiencing, or if I’m just losing my mind
It’s weird phantom limbs and sensations- spikes and wings when I’m on the defensive, fangs and claws on the offensive, tail and ears when I’m happy… and sometimes (some, or all at once) randomly
Overwhelming, sudden urges to do or for things I don’t understand- head pats and ear scritches, burrowing, biting/gnawing/clawing, curling up in a ball on a blanket instead of being under it
Are there, like, “diagnosis” criteria or some critical/recommended readings about this???
little over a year later, been using he/him since this and have decided “yeah I’m a trans guy”
also figured out that I’m biologically intersex a few months ago, which was neat
bored, brain spew time- my experiences with gender are Weird.
born AFAB in the US south, several forms of neurodivergence (Autism, ADHD, anxiety, depression, possible BPD but that one’s just a theory), mom was/is very open about gender and whatnot, dad didn’t/doesn’t like talking about it
went to a private Christian school for grades K-3, very “tomboy” like for those years. sometimes asked to be referred to by my middle name because it was more neutral than my first one- not knowingly for gender reasons at the time but looking back that was not cis behavior lmao
never really processed what it *meant* to be perceived as fem/masc/nb until middle/high school years, existed Purely On Vibes until then
Socially awkward disaster for almost my entire schooling time. Had trouble understanding conversation rules (thanks, mostly-unmedicated Autism /s), but with extensive training I eventually just ended up as a robot, silent for fear of overstepping and being rude
did a lot of reading about LGBTQ+ identities in the hopes of being considerate to my classmates
brain clicked with demigirl and/or genderfae for almost all of middle school
quarantine hits and most of my interactions shift to being online. internet kinda defaults to he/him when talking about randos in game lobbies… matter of time until I get referred to as such… and it isn’t uncomfortable? kinda vibe with it??
start experimenting with various labels:
agender didn’t work because I still was okay with being perceived as she/they/he;
bi-gender didn’t feel right either;
stuck with genderfluid for a while but it felt a bit too rigid- like I had to pick which mode I was in constantly to fit the description;
knew it was SOME kind of non-binary but I didn’t know much about the various umbrella and sub-type terms
‘bout a year into quarantine, still in school, making pride pins because I wanted to sell them and make money somehow, did some more research, learned about genderqueer.
and then the lightbulb finally stopped flickering and stayed on.
as of late, I’ve done more reading because a lot of the folks I talk to in Tavern-Frontiers and the surrounding groups are also LGBTQ+. found a label called “gendervague”- gender perception impacted by neurodivergence. while I’m personally not gonna use it as a main label, it definitely fits as a description of the clusterfuck that is my experience with identity
best way I can describe how I identify is “fuck if I know, call me whatever makes it easier.” General vibes I feel with different sets below:
she/her- born with it, used to it, okay with it
he/him- still feels new but I can work with it (I mostly use this when I refer to myself online, to help get used to it)
they/them- good default, not as natural as she/her but also not as exciting as he/him
it/its- :pensive_robot: yeah (nothing really wrong with it, but I’d rather call myself it than be called it)
neopronouns- never tried before, funky and new! (good funky, like a new genre of music- not bad funky, like socks)
Oh man, I need to go to sleep 
Wait, I’m hungry
There’s no food in the fridge or pantry. I’ll go shopping and eat in the morning. 
What do I need to get? eggs, milk, butter… maybe sugar for tea?
I can make cookies with that
Wait, no, I want cheesecake 
Wait, cheesecake expires 
I wonder if anyone’s ever made non-expiring cheesecake?
That feels like a bug in a video game.
I wonder if there’s ever been a bug for non-expiring cheesecake 
sorry i’ve been inactive lately, moving timeline accelerated real quick
last day in the house i’ve been in for like 14yrs is today
my pc is all packed away so no proper posting for a while
it’s 0032 and the company comes at 0800, i’m cooked
keep yourselves safe <3 -tired, scared shitless