Suiside - Tumblr Posts
Im gonna be 17 in four days i dont know if i should kill myself or not i have tried to find love for years but my mom was in the military and i dated did everything you should but once you move they are gone specially when you only know em for two years now i barely have any friends i just moved here because my mom wanted to be closer to family and i have no one i really wanna kill myself but i know if i do either i wont exist anymore i wont even comprehend existence i will go to hell cause i know im shitty person or the other ending where you exist but dont i hate myself i hate who ive become i hate what ive done i wanna die for it but no one know anything of what ive done how ive acted how i am who i am im just a husk a lier a non empathetic bastard i hate myself i hate everything i am id take pretty much anyone to date anyone to help me have a single reason not to die but that isnt happening because people who are easy to date quick to break even easier so im here alone in my room unable to sleep permanently thinking wanting to die unable to pick up the rope unable to pick up my knifes unable to change what i did in the past i wanna die because of that i dont know how long im gonna last maybe ill get past college realize my dream job was a sham work as a firewatch realize i cant be alone work as some stripper just for money realize im ugly fat a loser work my quote un quote dream job and wish i was dead everyday unable to find someone to love someone to care for someone who i can hug kiss anything and ill commit truly finally free from the stresses of life i wish i could do that now but i cant im unable to i cant risk it i have two more good years then im dead because after that ill be throw out like my brother hated silently people worried about but not caring enough to check until its too late i know I’m an idiot for writing this but im screaming into a relentless void which no one will ever see so i will use this to post pone my demise a day a year a decade who know next time i write one of these thats how you'll know after im privileged i got hit by two cars can walk im alive my mom is well off so i shouldnt be depressed why should on the surface i have great parents not many family members have died not many direct family have died either so why am i sad i dont know im unable to say when insay i wanna die i dont know why its a mixture my body my social life my hatred towards me not studying and playings game that help short term but long term no i hate that i waste my time doing this i hate my self because all im doing is screaming and accusing and being stupid and annoying angry all i do is complain while i should just accept my death or just keep going till i do
If you want you read this proceed with caution.
Tw: Suicide, abusive relationships, forcing someone to do something
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I’m done. I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to end this tonight. I was glancing at the clock every five seconds waiting for it to turn 8:30. They’re always on time. My phone suddenly started ringing. I take a long sigh and brace myself.
“Why THE FUCK did you not send it to me.”
“Because I dont want to show my body anymore!”
This has been happening for 3 years now. Them, my parents and school has pushed me over the edge.
“You KNOW I need them”
“NO you WANT them.”
I try to keep myself calm. I hate to say it but I love them but they’re taking advantage of that now. I don’t know why.
“I’m DONE!! I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! WERE DONE!!”
“YOU CANT LEAVE ME! YOU KNOW WHAT I’LL DO!”
“THEN DO IT! KILL YOURSELF!! I WANNA SEE YOU DO IT!!”
I think I’m going insane but can you blame me…Probably. I hang up and then FaceTime them.
“I’M WAITING” I said
They look at me like I was crazy but they grabbed their pills like their pride would die if they didn’t do it.
“Go on!” I say with a stern voice.
They’ve gone eerily silent. Tears stream down their face as they bring up the plethora of pills to their mouth. They shake their head as the pills enter their mouth. I watch them swallow the water. I realize that I feel nothing at this moment.
“Lay down on your bed and try to sleep. I heard that dying in your sleep is the best way.”
I watch them lay down and prop their phone on their night stand facing them.
“I’m going to hang up now.”
“No… can you stay till I go to sleep?”They say that in a whisper voice.
We both talk calmly like everything is normal. They stopped crying and their face is blank. This doesn’t feel like reality anymore.
“Ok”
I lay back on my bed and stare blankly at the screen.
An hour past and I realized that they aren’t moving anymore. I call their name a few times and I hear nor see a response. I sit up a little and say.
“Goodbye… See you in hell.”
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I made this because I'm scared that I'd make someone do this. I tend to get physically abusive and do things crazy and Impulsive when I'm mad so hopefully if I express this ith words it won't come into reality. I really wanted this story to feel empty to hopefully I achieved that. :)
I’m always ready to listen and be someone to lean on. I’m available 24/7, everyday of the week. I’m serious, if you need to talk please do so.
Share. Please. In honor or this nameless hero whom because of this letter he or she sent me, could save a life tonight.
again, my box is always open.