This Ones More A Rant Than The Last - Tumblr Posts

I’ll leave. I’ll leave if you ask because dammit I’m nothing but nice. I’ll do anything you say. But if you want me to be good to myself I can’t. Because I know I don’t deserve it. I’m a terrible person and it sucks to know that but not be able to stop. I hate people. I don’t know how be nice but so many people call me it. They think I’m nice.

Am I nice?

I don’t think so. I call people stupid. I laugh if you fall over and I can’t really comfort people well. If I could I’d punch my friend. My family. If I could run off and never see them all again I would. I hate them all. But I’ll always help you up. Make you laugh at my own expense. I’ll cry and sob alone but the second you see me I’ll be grinning at you. Asking if you’ve seen the latest ——— or trying to get you to watch ——— with me. I love them too much.

I wish I was nice. I wish I liked myself. I like how I look don’t get me wrong. My hair’s nice, my eyes are a gorgeous blue. But I don’t like my personality. My voice. How I talk. I want to be myself. I want to let my accent go free- let my mind run rampant as someone listens.

But instead I have to listen to you.

You rant at me. Rave about some guy you saw that hurt you. I never want to listen. But I have to. Because I’m *nice* and I can’t not be.

Because who am I if you don’t think I’m nice?

Nobody I ever speak to listens and when they do they just make fun of me. I wish I could just find happiness in being alone but I need people. I can’t even remember the last time I got a proper fucking hug. It’s all I want. And yet no one likes me enough.

I don’t think they’ll ever understand. Some people love while others hate. I love so much that I hate myself for it- I deflect. I say things I will never mean because I can’t stand to let myself love someone because I know they’ll never understand.

I cry to myself because if anyone ever knows how much I care they’ll pity me and I can’t stand pity. I can never let them know how I feel because I myself refuse to acknowledge it. I don’t want to try to understand it because I know if I do I’ll hate myself for it.

Why can’t I just love normally? Be normal? Why do I have to feel like this? Why do I have to love them until they hate me and continue to love them for years after?

Why can’t I forget her? She’s the first one I truly loved after learning what it was to love. I guess my heart will never forget. But why? Why do I have to keep hurting myself with the memories of a life I’ll never have again? Why can’t I let her go like I did the others? What’s so special about how I felt for her that I can’t ever forget? What about the first boy I loved? Why doesn’t he matter this much? I loved him for longer than I did her. Why do I still love her so much more than I ever loved him? I haven’t even seen her in years but her face, her voice, they echo in my mind and make me fall in love all over again. Why can’t I just let her go?