Tr4um4 - Tumblr Posts

This made me so emotional oh my gods

WARNING AHEAD FOR MY TR4UM4DUMPING

Specific warnings for mentions of: Tr4um4, s/h, 4bus3, gr00ming, sewerslidal ideation, semi-implied but kinda overt mentions of the viewing of adult media

TR4UM4DUMP STARTS HERE

So much of my tr4um4 has only started to be dealt with within the past year or two, when my parents found out through noticing my s/h behaviours

For context, I live in two houses because my mum and dad split when I was a newborn, my stepdad came into the picture when I was ~5, and my stepmum came into the picture when I was ~7-10

I ended up spilling the beans to my dad and stepmum of how my (currently deceased) stepdad made me uncomfortable while he was still alive (he d13d in 2019 thank the gods) and what the family dynamic was like at home (red flags, very toxic)

And they told me straight-up that it was emotional 4bus3, and that it sounded a whole awful lot like he was gr00ming me and such

And they were so supportive of getting me professional help and support for it

But the inportant thing is

During the time I was unknowingly being 4bus3d (when you're in the situation, it's almost impossible to know that it's not normal to be treated that way, especially when nobody notices what's happening to tell you this) I was crying almost every night after school. I had even packed a bag and prepared a plan of how I would run away from home. I kept setting a date on when I would run away, and then I would be too scared to, so I'd move the date up by like a month.

I had a few very prominent times when my dad and stepmum found I was misbehaving on the internet and getting into adult topics and spaces and media that I really shouldn't have. We moved houses every 2-5 years due to renting, and every house we've been in, since I was ~12-13, I have an awful memory attached to. There were maybe.. 3 different houses? 2 of which have multiple strongly negative memories attached to them.

During the time, I thought that was it. This is all my life would be. Endless suffering, then more suffering on top for doing things that seemed normal for a teen girl to be doing on the internet, even if it was subconsciously partly due to her tr4um4. I thought that I would go to j4il eventually and probably d1e there.

And then it would somewhat pass (but I would have devices restricted, or things like my phone would be changed out for a cheap brick phone)

And a few months would go by

And then I would do another incredibly stupid thing. And it was always the exact same thing I kept getting in trouble for.

And then once again I'd be crying nearly every night, considering swimming with the fish, but being too afraid to go through with it. So, my solution? Hope that by digging my own grave, I'd end up 6ft under at some point. Whether it was bl33ding out or having a heart attack, I just didn't want it to hurt too much.

And then it all came out accidentally, to my dad and stepmum

And they understood, because my dad's side of the family has a history of the women being 4bus3d in similar ways by boyfriends and some family that are horrible people (that we dont associate with in any way, besides being glad they're also d34d)

And my stepmum also has similar tr4um4. Worse than mine, but she still understood.

Yet at the time I felt awful. What if I was faking it? What if my stepdad wasn't a bad person at all, but I made him sound horrible? What if I was just being the drama queen that everyone always told me I was?

But then I started to go to a psychologist

And everything's gotten better

And I'm still working through things, because of course I am! I have tr4um4. That stuff doesn't just go away by thinking positively, and smiling! It never even fully goes away - you just learn to minimise the impact in healthy ways, and recognise triggers and signs you're not doing so hot

And I'm so incredibly sorry for tr4um4-dumping on you guys, cuz that's not at all what I'm here for

But I wanted to share, to show you that it can get better

And you're so strong for still being around

And that absolutely isn't to say that those who aren't still around are weak

But I'm proud of you all. For still being here, for getting hrough each day, tr4um4 or not. You're doing a freaking GREAT job out here, mkay?

I doubt anyone is actually going to read this all, but thats okay. It's the original message I reblogged this for that's important <3

right now you might be in a situation that you think you won’t survive but six months ago you were in a situation that you didn’t think you’d survive and two years before that you were in a situation you didn’t think you’d survive and the point is you will always surprise yourself and you will always make it through