Trauma Dump - Tumblr Posts
My lore is so complicated not even I remember some details of it (I have severe post traumatic memory loss).
so this certain bandha used to follow me around yk like keeping an eye on me bc apparently he was in so 'love' with me but that sounds obsessed, psychotic, and creepy to me. He has stopped now but god ji I used to be so scared (now I am thodu sa scared only) to go outside, especially at shaam ke waqt, and bc of that chomu I used to skip my tuition (pdhai plus paisa waste) bc he used to be there too. He had guys around who would give updates about me and some of them used to record me without my knowledge and then share it with him. My friends (now they are my ex-friends) stabbed me in the back by befriending him even after I told them about him. He used to keep an eye on the boys around me too, making sure nobody talked to me and my reputation has never been so bad. I was like badnaam poori class mein and people used to mention his name just to provoke a reaction from me. They think that it's funny (they don't know the whole story). It was so bad that at one point, I had to text him and beg him not to follow me. He even used to take pheras of my gali. Rumors have it that he is still in 'love' with me and regretting all the bs he did to me now, as he should.
Hi I'm Chiffon and I have a lot of traumatic memories that I don't want to go in depth about so the short summary is physical abuse, verbal abuse, and a lot of other fun stuff that resulted in an eating disorder, major depression and suicide issues, sociopathy, memory and sleep disorders, and a whole lotta other lifelong issues!
Anyways I brought reeses sticks because there isn't enough chocolate in this salad!!!
Who wants to make a trauma dump digital salad?
Go ahead if u want but
Hi im ise. And when i was 13 i came out to my mom. She said i was delulu and i needed to turn to the lord. And i brought nerds gummys!
Hi I'm Chiffon and I have a lot of traumatic memories that I don't want to go in depth about so the short summary is physical abuse, verbal abuse, and a lot of other fun stuff that resulted in an eating disorder, major depression and suicide issues, sociopathy, memory and sleep disorders, and a whole lotta other lifelong issues!
Anyways I brought reeses sticks because there isn't enough chocolate in this salad!!!
Who wants to make a trauma dump digital salad?
Go ahead if u want but
Hi im ise. And when i was 13 i came out to my mom. She said i was delulu and i needed to turn to the lord. And i brought nerds gummys!
y’all ever just realize you’re desperately in love with someone who loved you at one point but doesn’t anymore, so you just watch from the sidelines as they continue on with their life in silent support?
lol im in pain :)
the most traumatic experience i’ve had was when in my science class of freshman year the teacher had us watch a documentary about animal endangerment and at one point it showed a live manta getting butchered by a bunch of people, including children
Okey so I'm seeing a new therapist in like 2 days. That's what I'm gonna do. Wish me luck y'all.
Just. For the record, for anyone worried after seeing that post; Traumadumping on the first day of therapy is like. A good therapist’s dream. Like they WANT you to spill out your problems so they can help you work through them. When you only have an hour with someone once a month it is a Godsend for them to be able to just. Say whats hurting them right off the bat. The biggest problem I had at therapy was I became so conditioned to not talk about my issues that nothing was able to get done. So please, ‘traumadump’ to your therapist. Its what they’re paid for. They are trained to decompress, you don’t have to worry about them.
If you trauma dump about your abusive relationships whenever anyone posts anything about NPD, you’re a garbage person, pass it on
mano trauma eh algo mto esquisito.
Não aconteceu nada d+ cmg, eu só cresci numa amizade meio merda e quando a gnt brigou e se separou (não por opção minha) eu comecei a perceber o quanto eu era dependente.
E é estranho, já faz muito tempo tudo isso e a gnt já convive normal (mesmo ciclo social), mas toda vez q vejo ela ainda fico ansiosa, ainda tenho medo das reações dela e ainda quero a aprovação dela.
eu sei q ela se arrepende e já tentou reatar nossa amizade, mas eu simplesmente tenho medo dela, não consigo ser nada além de educada/simpática
Is "irrational" anger a trauma response?
I only feel like it might be because I'm always bothered when this person enters the room. I'm almost enraged when they try to speak to me, more often than not. I try to keep it to myself only because I know I would look utterly insane otherwise.
It's almost like I've gaslit myself into thinking I've been overly dramatic this whole time and nothing they ever did was so terrible. Then, I feel guilty for being mad at them, even though I look back in it and see how much it affected me or how badly my younger self wanted to leave and cut contact.
I almost feel like I'm losing my mind just thinking about this.
It's so hard to not feel guilty about being upset at the people who mistreated you. Especially parents.
"But she gave me soup and stuff when I was sick. She even cried when I told her I was having dark thoughts."
Yes but she also basically told me to end myself, showed clear favoritism, frequently used corporal punishment, and a whole laundry list of other things.
It's so hard because she hasn't done too many harmful things as of recent. I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and it almost feels like I'm being overly dramatic about it now. It almost feels like maybe it was all in my head in the first place.
Then I remember that I was so desperate to get away when I was younger. Desperate enough to think about taking drastic measures. Desperate enough to dream about someone just taking me away from my family.
And then I feel guilty again five minutes later
I've gone from refusing to call what I experienced trauma to looking into finding a psychiatrist to see if I have cptsd.... (Over the course of several years unfortunately)
2006: "No. My parents aren't hitting or beating me. They're spanking me, and for good reason. :/"
2010: "I don't think you should spank kids, but what my parents are doing isn't bad. I think a pop on the hand makes more sense, but these spankings aren't abuse."
2014: "Well now I'm depressed. My parents definitely have a lot to do with it, but I don't think they were physically abusive. Definitely verbally and emotionally but I have no trauma."
2016: "it could have been so much worse, but it's all stuck in my brain and I can't get it out. It's definitely me being sensitive. That stuff doesn't cause trauma."
2019: "So it is trauma... But it wasn't that bad. I heard about little t trauma. That's what it is. I still have no right to complain."
2020: "Trauma is trauma. Why am I comparing? They messed up and I should've left by now. They were physically abusive, but still not that bad. Little t trauma still counts."
Very recently: "Nevermind. Big T trauma. It is most certainly that bad. I wouldn't have reacted that way back then if it wasn't."
Suck that it took me so long
It's wild how abusers will normalize things and use different language to make it sound okay.
"spanking" instead of "hitting" or "beating" unless they're threatening you. Once it's over, you got *spanked" and not "beaten."
I've known for a while that my parents were physically abusive when I was growing up, but I was afraid to call what they did "beating" until recently. I had a conversation with someone I grew up with, and that's what she called it. I was dumbfounded for a second before I stopped and thought about it. Then, I felt validated and heard.
I think I said too much.
I was mentioning how almost everyone was secretly packing up to move out and away from my abuser and one of her cohorts.
My sibling who doesn't necessarily see her as abusive looked at me like I was crazy when I mentioned it...
I hate thism I have almost no one irl I can talk to about this shit, especially since my siblings and I were all treated differently. They even look at me like I'm crazy for pointing it out.
But most of them are in fact leaving to get away from her because she's the problem. Sure, some are leaving because they're young adults now and they need freedom, but you also have to acknowledge her behavior. Not me though. I'm stuck
Abuser got me an expensive gift and now I'm spiraling again...
I'm trying to leave but... If I cut contact, I'll feel guilty and everyone except one person who relates will hate me...
What if it was years ago, and they didn't exactly try to change, but things aren't as bad as they used to be.
I still feel the pain, but she's has been too terrible recently so I would feel bad if I finally left after all this time. After being a jobless shut in due to depression and possibly autism....
You don't have to feel bad for not wanting to be around the people who hurt you.
No, "but they're your family."
No, "but you used to be friends."
No, "but you have to put up with it because they're your partner."
No.
If someone hurts you repeatedly and there is no indication of them trying to do better, you are allowed to dislike contact with them.
So many people feel guilt over not wanting to be around people that intentionally hurt them.
It's not wrong of you to want distance.
It's not wrong of you to want to be treated well.
My mother physically abused me, my siblings, and my father, but since "women cant abuse men", he put up with it for my entire childhood. Im so happy he's leaving her.
back in my periodic dan and phil phase and it’s making me think (WIP)
growing up i was always a bit quirky (autistic) and not like the other girls (not really a girl?) and i - was the quintessential - weird kid. i was picked on a fair bit by the other kids, some of them did give me a hard time, but the worst was from the adults. i was too weird, i didn’t behave right, i was a right stroppy teen (i had needs/boundaries), i was the one who had to be whipped into shape, i had to change to fit what was expected of me. i mean really i was kind of just asking for all of the trauma by choosing to be so strange and difficult (autistic and overwhelmed), they were just showing me some good old fashioned tough love.
this didn’t just apply to the ‘difficult’ emotions, it applied to everything. i experienced all of my emotions in the wrong way - the amount of times i was called aggressive just for being passionate about something and getting a little over exuberant. i was forced to quell my happiness because i didn’t show it properly, i felt everything too intensely and any non standard show of emotion had to be kept in check and not left to get out of hand. any chance i did get i took to far cos it was so unfamiliar to me and i didn’t know how to handle it.
i had to do things with reason, there had to be purpose, i guess there kinda had to be a demographic of sorts, someone to validate it and say yes i like this and therefore approve of you doing it.
“i want to do this” “but why?”
“who’s going to see/watch/read/like it?”
bitch? ME!! i want to do this for ME! why must my happiness need someone else’s permission?
i felt i had to justify being happy, or just purely existing. i always had to have a reason for doing things, it seemed the people around me didn’t really understand that sometimes i just wanted to do things for fun. they acted like my trying to be happy was unnatural and as a result those traits were trained out of me, as if joy is disallowed past age 8 and as if autism can be undiagnosed with enough positive thinking and discipline.
i always felt i had to be ‘proper’, and by proper i mean like, serious, mature, without frivolous intention, planned to a T. there was a right way to do things and all i knew was that i could never do it.
bringing this back to dan and phil. i’ve been watching some of their old videos, i keep watching them over again, sometimes i’ll finish one and then replay it pretty much instantly. it gives me so much nostalgia from when i was a kid, but also i can see so much of my old self in what they do. all of that joy that i wanted to experience, just simple awkward nerdy fun. people loved them for it and still do.
it’s not just them, there were/are so many people who became successful because of those traits that everyone tried so desperately to rid me of and it makes me sad to think of all i could have been if i’d just been allowed to be myself.
some of my quirks were a little too outlandish at times but i don’t think any child has a perfect grasp on the real world. i had so much promise and drive and it was taken from me for no reason
seeing all the people i knew, living their lives and being successful, getting jobs, getting degrees, getting married, etc etc. seeing all the people who were ‘worse’ than me now living more fulfilling lives than i feel i’ll ever have. hurts. it hurts to know all of the pain i went through as a kid was for nothing. it didn’t help me, i could have been far greater if i’d been able to just, be. they tried so hard to fix me and all they did was make me so much worse.
i don’t understand anything. i know nothing about the real world, no one ever thought i’d be capable of living like a normal person so i was kept from it. i feel like i was constantly forbade from just living.
it makes me so sad. so angry. all of the life i missed out on cos no one thought i could be human.
i am so tired of being half human.
i could have had a life, i could have done so much, actually been someone. but now i just hide in my room, i literally never leave the house, i don’t do anything. i’m sick of it, being forced to be no one. i’m me and i’ve always been me no matter how much you hate that and you can’t take that away from me. i am ME, you are not. you don’t know me better than i do, you barely know me at all, you don’t deserve to control me the way you do. i’d leave but you trapped me here, hid me from the outside world and got angry when i asked if i was allowed life skills. you made me into this burden you hate so much, and i’m not sorry for the pain that caused you.
███, ███ i just wish you’d take me away, let me stay with you, teach me how to be human like you are.
it’s way too early and i haven’t been to sleep yet
i’m rambling and i can barely keep my eyes open
My mom traumatised me by physically and psychologically abusing me
My dad traumatised me by not caring
So now I have to do all the healing work
