Sh - Tumblr Posts
Warning !! : This post contains topics of sh
I wanna cvt so badly but my cousin threatened 2 tell the whole family if she ever found out that I did it again :[
mental update/trauma dump
You can totally scroll past this post i just need to get it out 😭
tw: mentions of suicide, self harm, drugs, medical hospitalization, etc.
ok so this is really weird to talk about actually and I don't really know how to talk about this. Guess i just needed to get it out. So I have been clean for about 10 months now!!! Holy shit I hadn't realized I just did the math 😭 anyways I missed Halloween last year because I was in the hospital since some of my stupid organs weren't working properly. But I was so upset about it. And when the nurses were checking my arm health, some of my sh scars were visible and she just said "arm health good" and I was like ayyyy that's what's up. But what I forgot was I still had some cuts on my legs that I had totally forgotten about. She didn't check them thank God because my parents didn't know about them. When I got home that night I had to take a shower cuz yucky and my arms weren't working so I had my mom help but I had to be so careful to not let her see the cuts. Anyways the last day I was in the hospital was the last day I had talked to my therapist since she was leaving company she worked for to be independent. She said she was going to reschedule with me later. My mom had sent so many emails only to get "no reply". My therapist recently started seeing my sister instead because of some issues. When I asked her about it she said that she had been trying to contact me for months. My mom lied (surprise surprise).
But schools been really tough recently and I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts and self harm thoughts again and I don't know where to go since I don't have a therapist anymore. My mom was going through my stuff to clean up and I didn't really care cuz yk wtv. But she found some pills that I had in one of my jewelry boxes in case I needed to yk... but the thing was I had totally forgotten about them. She just goes "oh! I'll take those. I want them." I was like okay? I don't want them. I forgot they were there anyways. But now I'm kinda like damn. I know that I need to stay strong bc I'm still trying to deal with my ed and friend problems but I just don't know If I can anymore. It's getting really hard. I bought some sensory necklaces off of Amazon to help with my sensory and those are helping but it's just not enough. I just feel so awful all the time. It might be depression? I dunno. I'm trying not to distance myself but it's so easy to just doom scroll all day and do nothing. Getting up early for school when I can't even think is so rough. I didn't even plan on living this long so i have no idea what the hell im doing. I want to talk to someone but I also know that I can ramble and rant for hours and I don't want to do that to my friends. It's hard enough for them already and that would just be cruel of me. My friends can't fix my problems. I just don't know what to do. I see my friends doing better, yk the ones that have really had it rough and i feel great for them. But I also see some friends doing worse and I'm just like, yeah. I get you. I dunno I might be yapping but my stupid brain thinks that sometimes my friends don't really like me. Like if I were to kill myself that I'd turn into one of those jokes like " you should commit [my name]!" Or "i hope you end up like [my name]" because that would fucking suck. Kids are so mean.
I dunno what to do man. I might delete this or smt.
in my sleepless nightmares,
I notice that place,
Speakless Heights... or whatever
Hi!!!
Welcome to my vent account!
This is where I will be posting all of my vent content (Mainly stuff regarding BPD and my thoughts on online drama), it's kind of like making a public diary lmao
I also reblog other people's vents that I relate to, so if you see me reblog your vent post, that's why :3 (if you need me to take it down, please let me know, and I will)
My main account: @nozomi-kaizoku
My posts on this account will contain or mention the following:
Suicide and suicidal ideation
Self harm
Any relevant drama that goes viral (ex: the YandereDev situation)
Negative perceptions of my relationships and myself
Sex, sexual topics and self sexualization
Ableism (including internalized ableism and stigma against my disorder)
Psych wards
Invalidation
Hopelessness for the future
The hardships that come with BPD (such as mood swings and dissociation)
Anxiety
Mentions of some problematic behavior I did back in 2021 (do not ask me about it btw, I'm not comfortable with going into detail and I might not remember everything)
Wanting to be in a relationship with older men (mainly with men in their 30's)
Attention-seeking behavior
Incel/Femcel stuff (I DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH GENUINELY BAD PEOPLE)
Other things that might be potential triggering
If you are not comfortable with any of the above in any way, please DNI and do not come onto my page (see boundaries for other DNI criteria). I do not want my content to cause harm in any way.
Thank you.
Name: Nozomi Kaizoku, but I'm cool with Nozomi, Zomie/Zomi (doesn't matter the spelling), or just Luca(s) or Pheonix
I'm 17 (My birthday is 01/14)
Pronouns: He/they/it
Disabilities and mental conditions: autism (professionally diagnosed), ADHD (professionally diagnosed), PTSD (Professionally diagnosed), ARFID (avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder, professionally diagnosed), Iron deficiency (caused by ARFID), BPD (professionally diagnosed) MDD (Major depressive disorder, professionally diagnosed), GAD (generalized Anxiety disorder, professionally diagnosed), PDD (persistent Depressive disorder, professionally diagnosed). (all except autism, ADHD, PTSD and ARFID are provisional)
Sexuality and Gender Identity: Pansexual, Aromantic, and Non-Binary (Masculine and androgynous terms for me are cool with me)
Always Welcome!! (unless you end up on the DNI list somehow)
Neurodivergent people of all kinds (especially autistic and ADHD folk)
Anyone of any mental illness
FNAF fans, canon and AU (especially Tony crynight fans)
Any race, gender, sexuality, religion, disability, etc. (this is a safe space)
Any fandom (outside of what is on the DNI)
Weird/cringe people of all kinds (furries, therians, alt fashion, etc.)
Problematic in recovery people (basically any content creators who are problematic and in the process of stopping their problematic behavior) (this s a pro-recovery page)
Just cool people in general!
Anyone 14 and over
Unless I made you an exception, DO NOT INTERACT (DNI) (you will be blocked)
Anyone in the Gacha fandom (as cool as the content is, the community is way too toxic for me to handle)
Anyone in the Hazbin Hotel fandom (same reasoning as the Gacha Fandom + Vivziepop is way too problematic for me to handle)
anyone under 14 (I'd rather not expose anyone that's really young to any sort of content that's gonna mess them up for life. Trust me, I saw some shit I wasn't supposed to at a young age and it messed me up big time.)
Anyone who openly shares their political ideology (No hate against any of you, but I've seen way too many people get into fights over one's political viewpoint, and I'd rather not have that negativity on here. I'm considered a "leftist/democrat/liberal" incase anyone is curious, but I'm not gonna talk about it much on here)
Springtrap x Ballora shippers (most of y'all are toxic as fuck and I don't like it)
DNI (no exceptions) (you will be blocked)
Anyone who fits into these categories: Ableism (especially against neurodivergent people and anyone with "evil" mental illnesses, such as NPD or BPD), Racism, Sexism/misogyny, Homophobia/ transphobia, Antisemitism, Pro-genocide of any kind, Nazis and Neo-Nazis, pro-"life", or any sort of discrimination that I haven't listed here.
People who justify literal bullying as "criticism" (seriously, it never helps, there's a difference between actual criticism that can help someone and bullying)
Tony Crynight Anti's (this is a Tony Crynight fanpage, and as such, any hate against him will be deleted and blocked)
Personality disorder Abuse believers (eg: Narcissist abuse believers)
People who make mental illness look like a quirky trend (Eg: saying "bpd = beautiful princess disorder", "I'm so OCD" etc.) (mental illness isn't fun at all, coming from experience) (ONLY APPLIES TO NEUROTYPICALS, SOME PEOPLE WITH THE DISORDER USE THESE JOKES AS A COPING MECHANISM)
Fashion Jirais (due to harassment and spreading harmful misconceptions about mental health and the Jirai community)
Anti-recovery (especially when it comes down to mental illness)
Cancel culture participants (most of yall are anti-recovery and pro-bullying.)
---
Feel free to reblog my posts if you find it relatable, but please be respectful about any criticism you have, otherwise you will be blocked.
---
That's all folks! /ref
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
I need someone, anyone, to love me.
Being unlovable hurts.
It's the pain of knowing that noone can ever love me the way I love them.
To love the way I do is to burn and scratch open my skin just to try and show you a part of me.
It's to always wait for something.
Some Water Element Blue (ft Red and co putting flower in his hair)
This made me so emotional oh my gods
WARNING AHEAD FOR MY TR4UM4DUMPING
Specific warnings for mentions of: Tr4um4, s/h, 4bus3, gr00ming, sewerslidal ideation, semi-implied but kinda overt mentions of the viewing of adult media
TR4UM4DUMP STARTS HERE
So much of my tr4um4 has only started to be dealt with within the past year or two, when my parents found out through noticing my s/h behaviours
For context, I live in two houses because my mum and dad split when I was a newborn, my stepdad came into the picture when I was ~5, and my stepmum came into the picture when I was ~7-10
I ended up spilling the beans to my dad and stepmum of how my (currently deceased) stepdad made me uncomfortable while he was still alive (he d13d in 2019 thank the gods) and what the family dynamic was like at home (red flags, very toxic)
And they told me straight-up that it was emotional 4bus3, and that it sounded a whole awful lot like he was gr00ming me and such
And they were so supportive of getting me professional help and support for it
But the inportant thing is
During the time I was unknowingly being 4bus3d (when you're in the situation, it's almost impossible to know that it's not normal to be treated that way, especially when nobody notices what's happening to tell you this) I was crying almost every night after school. I had even packed a bag and prepared a plan of how I would run away from home. I kept setting a date on when I would run away, and then I would be too scared to, so I'd move the date up by like a month.
I had a few very prominent times when my dad and stepmum found I was misbehaving on the internet and getting into adult topics and spaces and media that I really shouldn't have. We moved houses every 2-5 years due to renting, and every house we've been in, since I was ~12-13, I have an awful memory attached to. There were maybe.. 3 different houses? 2 of which have multiple strongly negative memories attached to them.
During the time, I thought that was it. This is all my life would be. Endless suffering, then more suffering on top for doing things that seemed normal for a teen girl to be doing on the internet, even if it was subconsciously partly due to her tr4um4. I thought that I would go to j4il eventually and probably d1e there.
And then it would somewhat pass (but I would have devices restricted, or things like my phone would be changed out for a cheap brick phone)
And a few months would go by
And then I would do another incredibly stupid thing. And it was always the exact same thing I kept getting in trouble for.
And then once again I'd be crying nearly every night, considering swimming with the fish, but being too afraid to go through with it. So, my solution? Hope that by digging my own grave, I'd end up 6ft under at some point. Whether it was bl33ding out or having a heart attack, I just didn't want it to hurt too much.
And then it all came out accidentally, to my dad and stepmum
And they understood, because my dad's side of the family has a history of the women being 4bus3d in similar ways by boyfriends and some family that are horrible people (that we dont associate with in any way, besides being glad they're also d34d)
And my stepmum also has similar tr4um4. Worse than mine, but she still understood.
Yet at the time I felt awful. What if I was faking it? What if my stepdad wasn't a bad person at all, but I made him sound horrible? What if I was just being the drama queen that everyone always told me I was?
But then I started to go to a psychologist
And everything's gotten better
And I'm still working through things, because of course I am! I have tr4um4. That stuff doesn't just go away by thinking positively, and smiling! It never even fully goes away - you just learn to minimise the impact in healthy ways, and recognise triggers and signs you're not doing so hot
And I'm so incredibly sorry for tr4um4-dumping on you guys, cuz that's not at all what I'm here for
But I wanted to share, to show you that it can get better
And you're so strong for still being around
And that absolutely isn't to say that those who aren't still around are weak
But I'm proud of you all. For still being here, for getting hrough each day, tr4um4 or not. You're doing a freaking GREAT job out here, mkay?
I doubt anyone is actually going to read this all, but thats okay. It's the original message I reblogged this for that's important <3
right now you might be in a situation that you think you won’t survive but six months ago you were in a situation that you didn’t think you’d survive and two years before that you were in a situation you didn’t think you’d survive and the point is you will always surprise yourself and you will always make it through
my dads recently been jokin a lot about “mystic runes” like i asked what we were gonna do when we took a rest stop in santa barbara and he said “look for mystic runes” and then i asked if we were gonna eat or just walk around while my mom shopped and he said “the runes will tell us”
tw s/h
please let me know how to do aftercare for deep cuts (styro and beans) i already have too many cuts that got infected
"PSYCHOSIS" IS MY TRUE MIND
Positive and Negative is a limited mindset
Fuck sex
Fuck love
⚠️TW - sh⚠️
parts of self h@rm people dont talk about enough
the guilt after doing it
the sting the next day
the need to tell someone but refusing to talk if anybody asks you
the need to justify it to yourself
the horrible feeling if it doesnt bleed enough
if you struggle with sh then i am here for you, just know that your not alone and i will support you on your journey wherever it may take you. sending all of you so much love💕💕💕
Hey hunnies please comment what weight you’ve lost from water fasting 🙏 Need some motivation to keep going this time. Pvrge cycle is deadly but missing the feeling💔
The scars
The blood
The sharpness of the blade dragging across your skin
The breath of release
The release of all the bad feelings
The pain
If you focus on the pain
You can't focus on the bad thoughts
You don't have to think about the loneliness
or the anger
or the sadness
The emptiness in your chest
You don't have to think about any of it right now
How bad you're getting
How bad you've already gotten
The feeling of pain washes out any other thought
Drowns it out
Before the familiar guilt floods in
The anger
The sadness
The loneliness
The emptiness
Now being replaced with that horrible feeling
Being trapped by long sleeves, bracelets, and, concealer
Please don't make me stop
It helps
IM NOT SICK ENOUGH
IM NOT BAD ENOUGH
I NEED TO GET WORSE
I NEED TO BE MORE SICK
I think i took finding beauty in the grotesque a little too seriously
Parents be like haha nooo dont get depressed its sooo inconvenient !!