Urghhhhh - Tumblr Posts
god i need to rant so bad if anyone sees this just ignore it its just me being batshit insane
insanity below the cut
i fucking hate writing but i love it at the same time, its my favourite way of expressing myself but i pressure myself to finish things. i want to post for spooktober so bad but i just cant bring myself to finish any of these fuckass fics because i missed one day and that messed with my entire ryethm OH MY GOD IM DYING URGHHH and no one is even online to make thw writing process easier ugh im so dead. i just wanna write stupid non spooky fics but if i did i think i'd kill myself because i would be going against something i said i would do and i literally just dont work like that like. i am physically and mentally (and emotionally) incapable of changing plans i made for myself that are only expected by me for me even if they are ltierally ruining my motivation and stuff. i wish i could just write what i wanna write and not wanna kill myself because it doesnt follow the guidelines that dont even exist. dude im going insane. deadass. anyway if you read until this point u deserve a reward uhmmmmm gives u a cookie. back to ranting. like i wanna work on longifcs and fics for the thorns&roses au and stupid ryusae aus but i literally cannot and i need someone to tell me im allowed to. i need soemone to tell me im allowed to not ruin my mental health jsut to rush to write things, because the final product will just be a product of pure stress and anxiety and anger and i just. fuckkkkk urhghghhh. ii just want someone to tell me im allowed to do things and im allowed to stop doing things i dont wanna
Thinking about how, when Cas was working with Crowley, only Dean believed in him. And he was so sure that Cas was innocent, and his only reasoning was, "It's Cas, man." He believed him with every fiber in his being, even when all the evidence was stacked against him. He didn't believe it until Cas admitted it to his face. He believed in Cas' innocence over Bobby and Sam, his surrogate father and brother, you know, the one person he loves most in the world. He wanted Cas to be innocent. He didn't want to have to face the prospect that the man he believed to be an angel, both literally and figuratively, wasn't 100% on their side. He wanted to believe that Cas had changed, and he did, but not all the way. One moment in particular sticks out to me, and it's when Dean confronts Cas, even before all this, and says, "What happened to you, Cas? You used to be human, or at least like one." And I think it's such a stab to the heart. He wanted Cas to be human, to feel things, and experience things that he hadn't before. He just wanted to believe in him.
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david via instagram.
