I Thought I Was Signing On To A Job So I Could Get Insurance, Get Through My Transition Surgeries, And

I thought I was signing on to a job so I could get insurance, get through my transition surgeries, and keep on pursuing my dreams.

Found out last night that I am now expected to give my life to this job, to commit mind body and soul to it's pursuits because it is giving me so much.

My friends told me I need to give up on going to the school I want, for the degree I want. Focus on business and work on moving up in the company.

What I want is wrong. The phone I want. The car I want. The goals I have. The dreams I hold. How I hope to be a mother is selfish. How I want my name is stupid. Everything in my life is foolish, and they are just telling me out of love.

Suddenly, the people who made me feel the safest are sounding like all the people in my life who hurt me. "we are doing this for your own good" "can't you just understand we are trying to help you"

And what's more, I have no actual sense of my own reality. I can't ever tell which way is up. In which direction is my paranoia pushing me? All I know, is I haven't been this close to the edge in a long time.

I am circling the void.

Dancing dangerously along the precipice.

Delusions drive me on

But they make more sense than "reality".

The real world doesn't seem real.

It seems as though the bigger lie.

Dreaming of flying

Jumping

And tasting the air

Little godling

Lost in time

Working in capitalism so I can transition while my soul steadily withers

Why is it so hard to write when I am happy?

Why is my creative direction

Bound to my sadness?

I am hurting.

Pain and loss are pounding my shores.

I just want to have a little happy life.

.

Someone I loved is gone.

Someone else I held most dear

Sits at distance I do not know how to cross.

.

I have never loved anyone like I have her.

My friend of adventure and connection

We faced life in stride

Always picking the other up.

But some wounds cut deep

And I am terrified of their being fatal.

We have both been hurt

And neither seems willing to bend.

We have both abandoned the other

How do we recover from this?

.

He was my brother

Lost to addiction

His life just kept getting harder.

Now he's dead.

Suicide or murder

I do not expect to ever know.

In the end he is dead

And there is a deep welling dispair.

He has left behind children

And a family who will always care.

.

My heart is bleeding.

I do not feel equiped to deal with this.

I am barely in control of my own life

I am tired of holding all these souls.

There are times when I am moved by the notion of my being trans.

A smiling thought "is this real?"

I love that I exist as I am

And that I found my way home to it.

How I ever ran I cannot understand.

It was a long time coming

Blessed discovery.

I am quirky and silly

A bundle of unrepressed excitement.

A lot of people can't keep up

And no one can take all of me.

I give myself to different people

Different circles for different parts of me.

An abstract blend

Connect all the mes.

Creating outside what I feel inside

The goal of everything.