Deppresion - Tumblr Posts

Uhh I need to rant, I just took that Koko care course thingy (I accidentally left and didn't finish 😔) but it kind of made me feel worse tbh

I'm thin, REALLY thin, I never eat, and I'll just eat a bag of chips and call it a day

And the course is kind of directed only towards people who aren't thin, like "it's ok if you aren't thin!" "You don't have to be thin to be happy!"

And one of the questions was "do you know anyone that's happy and isn't thin?" I said no because no one I know is happy, and then it said I just wasn't paying attention

Also, I know happiness and thinness aren't intertwined, I'M THIN AND HAVE SEVERE DEPRESSION

AAA I don't know, this course just made me mad because it's always "body positivity" unless you're thin, you just get to learn that thin people aren't always happy

Why isn't there anything for the thin people? The people who you're saying aren't happy?

Sorry for the rant it just bugs me :(

Not my intrusive thoughts being more positive then my regular ones 💀

❆ Poem/Photo by me. ❆

poem per day ‘til dead or better: 1

I don’t know where this idea came from

maybe some strange desire

to leave my mark

on a hard world,

scratching letters into lines

trying to make sense

poem per day ‘til I’m dead or better 2

oh look, it’s midnight

another day’s begun

I don’t know if I’ll see

another rising sun

I sit inside my tornado mind All the lights blown out. Cursing the darkness of my thoughts Unable to get out. From here there’s two ways the story goes, The current path of gloom Normalised to dull the pain ‘Till I blackout for good. The other choice is so much harder Than just sitting with the pain But you all break inside And bring the light again.

Well I’m back here again

Spiralling ever downwards

I want to shout and scream

“It's not fair !” 

But all I make is silence 

They said that I should talk to them

That they could share the load

But refuse to make them carry this.

I walk a lonely road

Of my own making

Trying so hard

To erase the footprints i leave 

As I try to walk away

Weighed down by shackles

Made of promises 

And rules 

Heavy as lead, as valuable as gold

So, so fragile

I can’t tell them this

Some are too far away

Some are too busy

Some are just too kind

But all of them would try,

Desperate, 

To keep me tethered

Family eh

Even the ones you choose

Won’t understand when you leave

Do you know what it feels like

To suffocate ? 

First you lose your breath

Then your chest tightens

And your muscles go loose

After that you start to feel cold

Not uncomfortably, but enough 

That it’s noticeable. 

Soon you’ll feel like you’re sleepy

And your eyes will start to close

Lids so heavy

They feel like stone. 

Much further than this;

You won’t come back

If your eyes stay shut

Your last breath will pass

Without a sound.

I wonder if lovers will kiss under the same tree I'll hang from

That was me three hours ago, I wish I got stuck in traffic or got really lost and needed GPS. Work sucks, especially when you have to fake smile at everyone who enters. But the customer is always right.

You know, sometimes when life shows you your new job is close to a town your family lives in, take a chance and drive down that road. Take a moment to reflect and remember how life was back then compared to now. And if you want, play your tunes or the radio. Follow the road until you get to a point or where you need to go. There's no shame in driving down those familiar roads.

And if you can't drive yet or unable to, walk down the sidewalks and do the same thing in your neighborhood. You'll get the same feeling. How time has passed on and yet, you know the way to church or a relatives house. No shame in it.

Chest in a vice

"My heart wants to crack. I wish I could silence my thoughts. Drift into void like sleep And forget everything I know. This life never seems To give me an inch. Sometimes it fools me into believing That maybe this is it. However it is only a game And I am continually tortured. Every night I go to sleep Hoping it is over. Rising every morning With the prayer of change In my heart. Then the day starts And I find it is all the same. More melancholy and misery Than I know what to do with." - Andrew

I thought I was signing on to a job so I could get insurance, get through my transition surgeries, and keep on pursuing my dreams.

Found out last night that I am now expected to give my life to this job, to commit mind body and soul to it's pursuits because it is giving me so much.

My friends told me I need to give up on going to the school I want, for the degree I want. Focus on business and work on moving up in the company.

What I want is wrong. The phone I want. The car I want. The goals I have. The dreams I hold. How I hope to be a mother is selfish. How I want my name is stupid. Everything in my life is foolish, and they are just telling me out of love.

Suddenly, the people who made me feel the safest are sounding like all the people in my life who hurt me. "we are doing this for your own good" "can't you just understand we are trying to help you"

And what's more, I have no actual sense of my own reality. I can't ever tell which way is up. In which direction is my paranoia pushing me? All I know, is I haven't been this close to the edge in a long time.

I am circling the void.

Dancing dangerously along the precipice.

Delusions drive me on

But they make more sense than "reality".

The real world doesn't seem real.

It seems as though the bigger lie.

Dreaming of flying

Jumping

And tasting the air

Little godling

Lost in time

You’ve got to forgive yourself for being traumatized and needing to learn how to function again. 

Recovery isn’t always nightmares and depression, it’s forgetting to eat, being scared of what others might see as completely normal things, it’s getting random panic attacks, not knowing how to take care of yourself, not knowing how to live like an adult, even if you’re twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, of feeling like you’re failing to function in a world where everyone seems to have their shit together. 

If you need help, ask for it. Go to forums and ask for advice. Take advantage of community resources. Buy pre-sliced veggies and fruits, eat instant meals if you can’t cook for yourself today. Hire someone. Ask a neighbor for a favor. Buy any item you think might make life easier, even if you feel like you aren’t ‘disabled’ enough to have it. 

Some of the depression posts (ie open your windows, take a shower, go outside, call a friend) are really helpful but they’re not always enough. I’ve found advice for spoonies, people with chronic pain or other disabilities have the best tips because they know what it’s like to be bedridden, out of energy, stuck in a brain fog. 

You may never return back to the energy you had when you were younger and you might always need to use crutches to help you through life. It’s the same with medication. 

Trauma is a real thing that happens to you, it physically alters your brain and it’s alright to have lasting scars. 

You’re not broken, your life is not over and you can still be happy. 

It’s not your fault.

in my dream world that i live in sometimes we stop saying things like “NOBODY is gross or dirty!!!” And start saying things like “being gross or dirty isn’t a moral flaw or failing”

Tw: eating disorders and self harm

The monsters in my head. They won't leave.

An empty stomach. A grave where I live.

Scars on my thighs. A strange relief.

A disconsolate existence. A sigh of grief

My shattered childhood. It haunts me still

Whimpers of pain. A broken will.

Venomous family. Full of greed.

Begged you to stop it. It never did.

Tw: self harm

Autumn still

The spring air is filled with laughter and serenity.

Not something to be tainted with my goddamn tragedy.

But I am alone and my wrist is bleeding.

Despair surrounds me like death to the grieving.

I don't know peace; I perhaps never will.

For my disconsolate existence it is autumn still.

Pic via pinterest

If I believed in god I would ask him why he did this to me.

But I do not.

If I believed in myself I would ask me how I let this happen.

But I do not

Tw: self harm

Broken mosaic

Broken like a mosaic, this grief is beautiful.

Cold as a grave, this silence is peaceful.

A pain drenched tartarus was what made childhood.

A longing filled asphodel is what makes life cruel.

Sinister evil spirits, they whisper in the dark.

Cold harsh voice, it will shatter up your heart.

The silence kept saying with such delicacy.

But mind kept begging for sincere secrecy.

So close your little eyes, home is full of ghosts.

Hide your own self, it is terrifying to be known.

Shred your skin, once again you'll be filled with relief.

One last cut; an eternity of sleep.

Tw: self harm, self loathing

A girl lies on her bedroom floor.

She bleeds through her eyes and cries through her veins.

I watch her helplessly and let her fall apart.

Everyday she fights long lost battles and dies gruesome deaths.

Her life is nothing but a grave full of dead hopes.

I watch her and do nothing.

Perhaps because there isn't much left of her to be saved.

She is covered in bruises I don't recognize her anymore.

I watch her with curiosity.

Her eyes dark and cold like the night itself, she reeks of misery.

A home full of ghosts, none of them remotedly as dead as her soul.

I watch her mercilessly.

After all that's what monsters like her deserve.

I say, and I stop watching her.

No part of her deserves to be loved.

I say, and I step away from the mirror.

For my depressed therians:

I know it feels like too much to do “mundane” tasks right now, so here is your motivation:

*ahem*

Can’t brush your teeth? I get that. However, your fangs will start to decay! When you need to bear your teeth and put fright into the hearts of your enemies, how could they be afraid if your fangs are dull?

Can’t shower? That’s so real tbh. However, your poor fur will have mud and dirt stuck in it! How will you be stealthy if you’re weighed down by all this gunk in your fur?

Can’t brush your hair? I’m struggling with that too. However, what happens when you’re frolicking in the woods and your fur gets stuck on a branch? You can’t be walking around with a large patch of fur missing, can you?

Can’t do workouts? Same here. But, how will you stay fit enough to catch prey for your family/self? You need to be able to jump, pounce, and run! Maybe just start with a leisurely walk.

Can’t make food? Yeahhh… making food is tough. How will you make sure that you don’t die on your pack mates though? They need someone like you! Maybe start with something easy like toast or just ordering food.

Remember, if it’s keeping you healthy enough, it’s ok to do the bare minimum. Sometimes that’s all we can do. <3

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