A Long Journey To An Uncertain End - Tumblr Posts

I thought I was signing on to a job so I could get insurance, get through my transition surgeries, and keep on pursuing my dreams.

Found out last night that I am now expected to give my life to this job, to commit mind body and soul to it's pursuits because it is giving me so much.

My friends told me I need to give up on going to the school I want, for the degree I want. Focus on business and work on moving up in the company.

What I want is wrong. The phone I want. The car I want. The goals I have. The dreams I hold. How I hope to be a mother is selfish. How I want my name is stupid. Everything in my life is foolish, and they are just telling me out of love.

Suddenly, the people who made me feel the safest are sounding like all the people in my life who hurt me. "we are doing this for your own good" "can't you just understand we are trying to help you"

And what's more, I have no actual sense of my own reality. I can't ever tell which way is up. In which direction is my paranoia pushing me? All I know, is I haven't been this close to the edge in a long time.

I am circling the void.

Dancing dangerously along the precipice.

Delusions drive me on

But they make more sense than "reality".

The real world doesn't seem real.

It seems as though the bigger lie.

Dreaming of flying

Jumping

And tasting the air

Little godling

Lost in time