Wanna Live In This World

Wanna live in this world

A defending silence. A silence so loud I need earplugs. I’m drowning in the tension. I’m in a cube with closing in walls. Small talk I’ve loathed in any other situation, please be my saving grace. This threatening awkwardness shall not be the end of me. That would be too merciful. I have to suffer through this car right, be thankful, then move on with my life. Even typing this out feels rebellious. Should I be sitting in silence, I feel the overwhelming urge to make myself invisible. Don’t make a noise. Turn invisible.

Update: finished the audiobook and the movie is way more entertaining. It also gave a better ending bc the kids just finally escaped out a window I think, and regret not stealing and running away sooner. The movie has them fucking kill their greedy selfish mom. The book ends with them taking evidence of poisoning with them and it alludes to revenge getting to the villains eventually.

Status update: currently listening to flowers in the attic. Incest is the over all theme but the brother and sister fucked. The brother intentionally r-ed the sister but the sister wanted it too. They were 15 and 18 but have been kissing for like a year

The movie saved a lot of the gross shit

Forty minutes till four hours left. I think of all the people I could consider “doing me dirty.” I think of the people on tv and boom who have such strong egos that would cuss, scream, and abandon those we have done such similar things to me. I don’t consider myself a door mat. I don’t think of myself a push over kind of person. I think of myself as kind, considerate, patient, and unique. That’s my ego, I’m happy to appreciate my uniqueness. I maybe not the most gentle to some in my life. But I have the tough love that encourages initiative and listening to their own judgment. I’ve had people in my life that have bruised my feelings with such things and I reluctantly thank them. I shan’t feel sorry for being that rough, but safe fall for others.

Go off. You stand up to me, I deserve it. Say the satisfying one liner, put me in my place, go off. Don’t even fascinate about my perspective, go off. I admire you. I am so in awe of you. Wow, you are so so strong. You are so strong, and right, and smart. And a big dummy like me can’t even come how big, smart, and good you are. Me? Well I’m just bad and dumb and stupid and lame, now, aren’t I? I’m just a lame dummy that doesn’t understand because all I want to do is have nothing to do.

God, you’re right about that. You’re so right about that. All I want to do is to have nothing to do. I dream and ache for boredom. I yearn for nothing. Then I have the opportunity to find something to do. I may allow my inspiration take me like the waves at the beach. Please god. I wish to bored days and to waste time. Please god. Give me the opportunity to be lazy. I wish for nothing more.

I don’t care to be smart. I don’t care to be a project to work on. I want freedom from expectation. I want freedom from critique. Is that heaven? No responsibility. I can only dream.

Hello hopeless feeling, it’s a pleasure to see you again. How have you been? How’s your family and love ones, are they well? Good. Good.

Oh me!? *polite laughter* well, let’s not waste time asking questions we know the answers too.

Well, thank you so much for asking. I am currently working on a t shirt. It’s this soft material that feels amazing for launge wear, and it has this fun, see through pattern on top that is illuminated by the soft fabric underneath. I just triumphed over my battle with the collar. Ugh, I have wasted enough material just to forfeit and close the shoulders slightly to make the neck line more attractive.

When I did, it transformed to a more fitted shirt that accentuates my shoulders. Completely unintentional but I’m happy to have a project nearly done.