Update: Finished The Audiobook And The Movie Is Way More Entertaining. It Also Gave A Better Ending Bc

Update: finished the audiobook and the movie is way more entertaining. It also gave a better ending bc the kids just finally escaped out a window I think, and regret not stealing and running away sooner. The movie has them fucking kill their greedy selfish mom. The book ends with them taking evidence of poisoning with them and it alludes to revenge getting to the villains eventually.

Status update: currently listening to flowers in the attic. Incest is the over all theme but the brother and sister fucked. The brother intentionally r-ed the sister but the sister wanted it too. They were 15 and 18 but have been kissing for like a year

The movie saved a lot of the gross shit

Wanna live in this world

Instead pretend things are going as planned. Nothing to worry about if everything is going to plan.

People are different, my emotions are just thoughts, people are different, I’m on vacation, I don’t live here. People’s stress are theirs and theirs alone. I don’t need to raise my awareness and vigilance just because people argue and disagree. People do what they want and I do the same. So I choose not to be upset for anyone’s stressors. Trust and believe I have enough for myself and then some.

Scorn. Anger over powered by sadness yet I don’t shed a tear. I feel like a ghost, I don’t understand what it is to be alive, I feel like I’ve never been alive. Only concern with what is the proper response to the people around me.

Looking like I’m a person seems to be more important than experience.

I am angry, yet I don’t care. I’m worried that I am no longer a suitable candidate to be worth anything. Am I even in control of me? I regret when I am fully authentic and stare out my eyes feeling like I’m going to fall. Or realizing I’ve been falling this entire time.

I don’t care to be “human” anymore. I’m- I just exist. Like the wind. Like the fowl smell of the air. Like the awkward silence when I don’t know what to say. Like the impatience I see in everybody’s eyes. Like all the negative, but not negative, but actually positive in a big picture kind of way, things.

I exist. That’s enough for me.

Go off. You stand up to me, I deserve it. Say the satisfying one liner, put me in my place, go off. Don’t even fascinate about my perspective, go off. I admire you. I am so in awe of you. Wow, you are so so strong. You are so strong, and right, and smart. And a big dummy like me can’t even come how big, smart, and good you are. Me? Well I’m just bad and dumb and stupid and lame, now, aren’t I? I’m just a lame dummy that doesn’t understand because all I want to do is have nothing to do.

God, you’re right about that. You’re so right about that. All I want to do is to have nothing to do. I dream and ache for boredom. I yearn for nothing. Then I have the opportunity to find something to do. I may allow my inspiration take me like the waves at the beach. Please god. I wish to bored days and to waste time. Please god. Give me the opportunity to be lazy. I wish for nothing more.

I don’t care to be smart. I don’t care to be a project to work on. I want freedom from expectation. I want freedom from critique. Is that heaven? No responsibility. I can only dream.

A defending silence. A silence so loud I need earplugs. I’m drowning in the tension. I’m in a cube with closing in walls. Small talk I’ve loathed in any other situation, please be my saving grace. This threatening awkwardness shall not be the end of me. That would be too merciful. I have to suffer through this car right, be thankful, then move on with my life. Even typing this out feels rebellious. Should I be sitting in silence, I feel the overwhelming urge to make myself invisible. Don’t make a noise. Turn invisible.