Being Fetishized Is Making Me Feel Terrible.

Being fetishized is making me feel terrible.

Texting with another dude, he is 27 and got my snap from my former roommate

1. He doesn't respect that I am a man. Like, a dude. A guy. Yes I am trans, and? I am a trans man.

But he said he always wanted to fuck a *insert slur for trans people in german*

And

2. He was like so gross and wanted me and my former roommate to make out and fuck because he is into 2 girls fucking.

I am literally not a girl and I do not wanna fuck her, thank you very much.

Ufff. Why???

Tw: slight mention of sh

I feel so gross.

I'm trying to not relapse and bring myself to feel something and I am just texting with this guy and he wanted like, a picture, and I was like, alright and he was like,

You are covered in cuts

Well, yeah, you didn't have to tell me, I already know, but thanks for bringing it up??

Now I feel disgusting because of my scars and because I sent a pic in the first place, yay!!

TW: slight mention of self harm and drugs

I'm leaving for a camp for a week, before that I wanted to see my boyfriend because he was in malta last week and we didn't see each other.

So, I met with a friend yesterday and stayed over at her place, we went to the movies today and after that I wanted to visit him.

Even more because he is not doing all that good right now and I'm scared he's gonna do something that will hurt him (drink too much, take drugs and/or self harm).

I was really looking forward to seeing him again and I asked him if he still wanted me to come over and he said yes. I was excited to see him again and had the hope that I could maybe comfort him.

After the movie ended and I checked my phone again, he had messaged me if I still wanted to come at 4 pm half an hour later he texted "I guess not but it's fine"

It didn't seem to be fine to me. I told him that I still.wanted to and could come over now at about 5 pm, but he already went into the city with friends.

Since I am literally in the fu king city center I asked him if wanted me to come there, which he didn't.

I totally respect that, I really do, but now I an even more worried and it kinda hurts, because it is my fault for not communicating better and he thought I didn't want to anymore.

But I really did. I still really do. It just hurts, the way I seem to always destroy everything I have.

Not even intentional, it just happens subconsciously.

I literally started crying in front of the cinema, in front of my friends because I was so devastated. And he's just really not to blame.

I already miss him and I am worried and scared, I hope he takes care of himself and stays safe.

I just feel so empty now, so so empty and everything is dull.

Today is going to be a danger night for me, I have to take care too, I have to stay in control and not do anything stupid.

I had such a great time and now everything is terrible again. But it will get better, I know it will. This is just temporary. Everything is temporary.

But it's still hard, I would really need a support system right now, but I don't have one, haha, great, awesome, just fantastic.

I honestly don't think I can get through the night without a relapse. I'll try but the urge is getting so strong...

Okay, I changed my mind, he was actually really sweet and told me he would kiss each and every one of my scars individually, which is so sweet.

I honestly always wished for someone to do that, I thunk it would really help me a lot and make me feel good.

Him only saying that was already enough to make me feel a little better :)

Tw: slight mention of sh

I feel so gross.

I'm trying to not relapse and bring myself to feel something and I am just texting with this guy and he wanted like, a picture, and I was like, alright and he was like,

You are covered in cuts

Well, yeah, you didn't have to tell me, I already know, but thanks for bringing it up??

Now I feel disgusting because of my scars and because I sent a pic in the first place, yay!!

Did you know that you can hold someone like your life depends on it to make sure they don’t leave and you can say sorry a million times for nothing and some people will just let you do it?? And some people will even pretend like it didn’t happen for your sake until you need to do it again??

Tw: mention of sh

How is it possible that I am always the second choice?

How? I made one new friend, one, on this whole fucking camp and my best friend, who has made friends with almost everyone here, is now his first choice?

I tried so hard, I got so far, I even fu king made a friend and now that he spends 2 hours with my best friend and me together, he choose him.

I know I'm not enough, but, I thought I could spend some more time with him before he left too.

Why doesn't anyone stay? Am I really this bad of a person? Am I really that unlovable? I just wanted a friend.

Now I have noone, noone, and he has everyone again. Why am I always looking everything to him?

I don't want to relapse again. I don't want to, really. I should be happy for them, but I just can't be. It's do hard not to cut.

All I can think about is the relive that comes when I see the blood pour out and the pain in my body overwriting the pain in my mind.

I just want to cut, just a tiny bit, just enough to pull myself together again. Please? Just to feel something else. Just to forget.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, I need to, please help, fuck, please?

I can't do this anymore. I just want a little comfort, just something to ground me, please?