Burned0utstar - Finns Thoughts - Tumblr Blog

I am always the second choice.

Always.

For ever everyone else will be chosen before me. Everyone else is better.

Why can't someone choose me?

Why doesn't anyone love me?

Someone please love me like I love them.

Please?

I'm falling in love with the way it hurts again.

I don't know if I ever am going to get better again.

So much fucked up shit happend to me and I just

CAN'T.

STOP.

REMEMBERING.

I am trying to start living again and it just doesn't work.

I miss him.

But not because I still love him, but because I could trust him. Because he made me feel safe.

He is the first and only person I ever told everything to.

And today when I had flashbacks and a panic attack, all I wanted was him to hold me.

Because to me he means safety and trust.

Still.

Even if he is not here anymore.

It's funny how love changes things.

His shirt was my favorite item, now it's just a shirt, not even a pretty one.

I am not repulsed by it, but I don't feel the need to wear it like it's an eternal hug.

I won't see them?

I won't get to meet them?

This was the only thing I've been living towards to, and now it will never happen?

I don't know what to do now.

I need them.

I need to hold and hug them, I need to see and feel them.

How can I keep going now?

I try to fill the void he left with anything that could kill me.

I'll die before letting myself fall in love again.

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

I need someone, anyone, to love me.

Being unlovable hurts.

It's the pain of knowing that noone can ever love me the way I love them.

To love the way I do is to burn and scratch open my skin just to try and show you a part of me.

It's to always wait for something.

I was once a star.

He made me burn.

Now I wanna burn down his house <3

Not actually.

I want to keep on burning.

I actually didn't think about him today.

Which is funny and good I think.

But now that I do think about him again, I still miss him.

But it hurts less.

And I am less angry too.

I'm still lost in the way his arms made me feel safe.

I wish he would hold me like that again and not let go this time.

Remembering doesn't bring comfort, it only brings confusion.

I wanted us to last.

I wanted to actually try and maybe even succeed.

I wanted to be with him.

I wanted to not be the only one who fell.

Cried about him today again.

All the things he said, did he mean them?

Does he still mean them?

Can I ever stop wondering if he just lied to me the whole time or if he actually meant it?

What the fuck?

I want to talk with him.

I miss him.

Am I still in love with him or do I just love him now?

I don't know...

It still hurts to think of what we had and how it all ended.

But I still for sure love him, as a person, as a friend, as someone who I trust.

But am I still in love with him??

I don't know, I don't think so. Not like I was.

I am a little bit in love with everyone who I ever was in love with.

They stay a part of me, but I think that's all. I think I'm not in love with him anymore.

I want things to be normal between us again. To be friends, joke around, tell secrets, drink and laugh and cry and cuddle.

Just that.

I really really want him back, as a friend.

I've been placed in the open ward, fuck yesssss

Not under surveillance 24/7 anymore, let's fucking gooooo!

Chilling in the closed off ward🤟🏻

Why does it hurt so much to see his shirt in my laundry?

I have to give it back...

There will never be anything to hold on to anymore. He is gone. He doesn't like me anymore.

Why does it hurt this much?

All I ever wanted was to be with him

Tw: sh

Guess who just got broken up with and is on his way to the hospital to get stitches??

Yesss, you're right, it's meee!

When he says he's not good but he literally teaches me how to play guitar, kisses my scars, makes cute little Keychains, has a stuffie, kisses my nose and wore his hoodie so it would smell like him when he gave it to me.

The only thing I was looking forward to is seeing him. But I don't know when that will even be.

Maybe never again.

Maybe I'm just dramatic.

But it feels like we'll never be together again...

I want to be back in his arms. I want to be with him.

All I want is to be loved. To have him cradle me in his arms. To lay my head on his chest and listen go his heartbeat. To braid his hair and kiss his nose.

My heart breaks because I can't be with him.

I can't so this anymore.

I just want it all to end.

Why does existing hurt so much? Why do I always lose?

I am trying my best but still nothing comes of it.

Nothing ever does.

To love him is to hurt.

The way I ache for him is unbearable and goes through time and space.

Honestly, even when if he leaves me I'm still so grateful to have met him.

Like, he showed me new music, motivated me to start being creative again, helped me accept my scars, went to concerts with me and showed me what I can have.

I was so down when I met him, and I'm really doing better now. Thanks to his influence.

So even if he leaves me, I'll still have a friend and a life.

He had a wild night and slept with someone. I shouldn't feel bad, because we are in an open relationship, and I'm not angry or jealous, but...

But like, I want to be enough for him.