Tw: Tiny Mention Of Drugs

Tw: tiny mention of drugs

"The chicken can wait"

I love my boyfriend, getting me to go to sleep and not cook myself chicken at 1 am.

He's so funny and cute. I like him, hihi :)

Also, I'm high and that's why I need chicken now.

There is something beautiful about actually feeling loved.

After talking, after having an actual talk, he told me he loves me, and I could belive it.

It was hard, but I could belive it. And I love him too. More than I want to. More than he knows.

I won't get addicted to him. I won't make him my whole world because I shouldn't. Because it is bad. Because it is sick and because it hurts both of us. Not just me, and I want to keep him safe. Even if it is from me.

I'm also learning to understand him. I am learning to understand the way he acts. Why he does or doesn't do things.

It's beautiful, this slowly building connection.

Scared.

Panic.

Fucking terrified.

I'm at the meeting point for a camp and there are so many people that are all older than me and I an overall not good with people and I have the strong urge to just run.

Tw: mention of sh

Everything that is in my head is relapse, I can't stop thinking about it...

Why dies it have to feel this good to cut myself? Why dies it help me so much short term?

I am still waiting for something..?

For him to text me and tell me something. For him to tell me anything. For him to just say random incoherent words.

I just wish I wouldn't still state at our chat waiting for him to massage me. My beautiful boyfriend, to say anything at all to me.

Tw: mention of sa

The cousin that sexually assaulted me between the ages of 6 and 10 is back in the country. I am so scared and I probably have to see him next weekend...

I don't want to see him. I don't think I can. I have to act normal and like nothing ever happend while I get flashbacks of him doing all of it.

I can't stand the nightmares and flashbacks anymore, I just want to forget and be safe.

I don't want to relive him forcing himself onto me. I don't want to feel this helpless and weak again.

I need to get stronger. I need to be able to defend myself...