Tw: Mention Of Sh

Tw: mention of sh

I wanted to visit my boyfriend tomorrow, but he is going away for a week, so it's 3 weeks of not seeing each other. Because he was in malta and then I was in camp and now he is gone again.

It's okay. I guess. I am not dissociating at all. Never.

Urge is getting so strong again. I just really want to cut. I just want some relive. I really need to feel something again.

But I am trying so hard not to relapse. I'm really trying to get better...

I miss my boyfriend. We wanted to meet today but we didn't and now he asked if I wanted to come over and sleep at his place but I am at home, and since I live in a little village there isn't any public transportation that would go at this time.

I really wanted to see him before I leave for a week...

I'm feeling terrible because we couldn't meet because of how bad I planned it all and I misunderstood stuff and didn't communicate enough.

But it's done now, I can't change it anymore...

Being fetishized is making me feel terrible.

Texting with another dude, he is 27 and got my snap from my former roommate

1. He doesn't respect that I am a man. Like, a dude. A guy. Yes I am trans, and? I am a trans man.

But he said he always wanted to fuck a *insert slur for trans people in german*

And

2. He was like so gross and wanted me and my former roommate to make out and fuck because he is into 2 girls fucking.

I am literally not a girl and I do not wanna fuck her, thank you very much.

Ufff. Why???

Tw: kind of violent thoughts?

Is it so hard to text back? It's nit his fault, not at all, I have been angry for the past few years. Since I forgave I have had this rage deep inside of me.

But is it so fucking hard to text back? Why am I so angry at him? It's not healthy to imagine blood and teeth and tears of the ones you love caused by you.

I am just so angry. Not even really at him. He is not at fault. He is making me feel better I think? So why the fuck do I want to bash his head in and actually really hurt him?

I am a good person? I promise. I have never hurt anyone on purpose, so why are these images in my head?

Where does this anger come from and how can I let it go again? I can't keep living and burning like this.

Tw: slight mention of sh

I feel so gross.

I'm trying to not relapse and bring myself to feel something and I am just texting with this guy and he wanted like, a picture, and I was like, alright and he was like,

You are covered in cuts

Well, yeah, you didn't have to tell me, I already know, but thanks for bringing it up??

Now I feel disgusting because of my scars and because I sent a pic in the first place, yay!!

Did you know that you can hold someone like your life depends on it to make sure they don’t leave and you can say sorry a million times for nothing and some people will just let you do it?? And some people will even pretend like it didn’t happen for your sake until you need to do it again??