Bad Thoughts - Tumblr Posts
sometimes i wish i had someone who could be as infatuated with me as i am with them except i manipulate them into loving me more and i can use them like a toy (i just want to have control. i don’t want to be the one being treated badly.)
A friend of mine saw him at the grocery store. That feeling in my chest is back, and all she did was tell me about it.
He was with a woman; we think it's the same woman he took on what was supposed to be our vacation ( the one I predominantly paid for). That means she's been around for a little more than two years.
I am really struggling right now with guilt. She's probably seen him for what he is by now. And I'm sorry for that. What if I had had a spine back then and told her. Does she need help now?
I feel I should reach out.
Sometimes
When I am having a bad day where I just don’t think I am doing anything right I repeatedly say “I’m a good noodle” in my head to try to bring me out of a bad thought spiral. It doesn’t always work but me thinking about the fact that I, an adult, am using a spongebob quote to try to think better about myself sometimes does
You're at the top of the emotional world, you love and trust your friends completely, and then they say something that shakes you up to the point you can't even talk about it
They wouldn't do that to you?
Of course not, they care about you, that's so crazy to ever think such a thing
But they'd do it someone, and they don't see it as wrong, cause if they saw it as wrong they wouldn't have told you
God I'm going to be sick
It's my birthday today, but it doesn't feel like my birthday 😕 does that make sense?
Like my family hasn't planned anything for it, so I feel a little disappointed, but I feel bad about feeling like this!
thanks bad thoughts for keeping me up for two hours now; love ya!!
Prompt 125
In place of August Thirteenth, Promptapalooza 6/
Geralt has a contract but won't tell Jaskier anything about it. Nothing. "Geralt, come on! Is it big? Is it small? Does it have fangs? Is it venomous?" "Jaskier, just stop asking." "But how am I meant to be safe enough to gather inspiration if you won't even tell me what to look out for?" "Because you'll be staying here. Away from the hunt." "Wh- What?" It's been years since Geralt refused Jaskier's involvement in a hunt. "It's too dangerous." Jaskier stares at him a moment before just sighing and nodding. "You'd think he'd tell you of the dangers if he didn't want you to go for your own safety." Jaskier thinks, though it doesn't sound like his own voice. "Can't you tell me something about the creature if I can't come with?" "No, Jaskier." "He doesn't want to talk to you." Jaskier shakes the thought out of his head. "Just play for the bargoers again if you need something to do. I'll be back before sunup." And without further ado, Geralt grabs his supplies and stomps out. "They hated your last set, though, didn't they? You've put so much effort into pursuing this dream of yours, just to get vegetables and stale bread thrown at you. Only to get cursed off stages. Is that what you wanted? When you became a bard? When you left home? Did you risk your life to leave just to be stuck with an audience that doesn't want to listen?" Jaskier shakes his head. Stop. Stop thinking about this. "Not even Geralt listens to you. Your only friend. The only person who manages to deal with you doesn't even want to hear you." Jaskier starts tidying their inn room in a panic. He needs to get his mind off the sudden turn for the worst his thoughts are partaking in. Usually only things got this bad after a bad fight with Geralt. Then Geralt would apologize and- "But did he ever really mean it? Or does he just do it to placate you? The little overemotional bard weighing him down, dragging him back, ruining his li-" "BOOK. I- I need to read a book." Jaskier fumbles for something to read to try and get something new in his attention, but he can't even make out a sentence. The thoughts are getting louder. "Is there even a contract or did he just finally leave you behind? Jaskier's vision blurs and suddenly he realizes it's tears. He rubs his face vigorously to get rid of them. He'd hate for Geralt to come back and find him bawling. "That's when he'd leave you for sure. Pitiful excuse for a companion, crying because of his own thoughts. Geralt would be so annoyed. You're nothing but a burden to him. He hates you." Jaskier grabs his lute and hurriedly begins strumming the worst tune he's ever made in his life, because he just needs something louder than the thoughts. He just needs to hear something but the thoughts. "He'll never love you back. You stay, and you keep hoping, but he'll never love you." Jaskier drops his lute and covers his ears, starting to sob in earnest. "He's been gone too long. He ditched you. He took Roach and he left you. The pebble in his shoe. The constant irritation. You're nothing to him. You're a speck of mud dirtying his life. He begs the gods every night to be rid of you. Everyone begs the gods to be rid of you. Everyone wishes you'd just shrivel up and die. The useless bard." "Stop- Stopstopstop-" "All anyone wants is to fuck you, but is it because you're desirable or is it because you're just that easy? Like a damned cat in heat. They always leave you come morning, anyways. Even the ones you begged to stay. Even the ones you wanted something more with. Nobody wants you to stay. Nobody likes your voice, your supposed 'talents', nobody likes your looks, nobody likes your personality, nobody likes your soul, nobody wants your love, you're a crumbling stone about to bring down a whole tower. And every other stone will hate you for it. They'll hate you. They'll fucking HATE you. They all HATE you. Geralt HATES you. He hates you. He hates you. He hates you." "JASKIER!" Jaskier blinks his eyes open
and sees Geralt kneeling in front of him, holding Jaskier's face in his big, calloused hands. "Jaskier, stop listening to it!"
Geralt had gone after a creature that infects people's minds, speaks horrible things into their thoughts until the person is driven crazy. He couldn't risk bringing Jaskier to be infected by it. And he couldn't risk telling Jaskier, because Jaskier would be paranoid of it infecting Geralt and he'd come along anyways, and the monster would sense Jaskier's fear, it'd burrow into him in a milisecond. Geralt's never been angrier for being right, before. He just thought Jaskier was safe here. But he came back and saw the undeniable symptoms of the monster. Pure black tears coming down Jaskier's cheeks as he sobs and begs an unseen force to 'shut up'. Geralt will kill this damned creature, and make it sorry for distressing his bard. And then he'll spend the night holding his bard close, and whispring every reassurance and praise he can think of.
Yall ever just want to eat your teeth? Like imma be real these fuckers probably taste good- like hard candy popcorn or something-
Concept: you are waking up in the king sized bed, looking through the windows, it's sunny outside, you open them and the fresh air comes in, you go to the kitchen, breakfast is waiting for you on the big round white table and also the love of your life, kissing you on the forehead, saying 'hi, beautiful'.
Concept: at night, you are tightly pressed to your loved one in the same king sized bed, he is whispering on your ear 'i love you so much' as you slowly fall asleep
Concept: you are loved, forgiven for all of your mistakes, cherished for being you, feeling attracting and confident, peaceful and relaxed. You are happy.
Me
need someone to take my virginity asap
Tw: kind of violent thoughts?
Is it so hard to text back? It's nit his fault, not at all, I have been angry for the past few years. Since I forgave I have had this rage deep inside of me.
But is it so fucking hard to text back? Why am I so angry at him? It's not healthy to imagine blood and teeth and tears of the ones you love caused by you.
I am just so angry. Not even really at him. He is not at fault. He is making me feel better I think? So why the fuck do I want to bash his head in and actually really hurt him?
I am a good person? I promise. I have never hurt anyone on purpose, so why are these images in my head?
Where does this anger come from and how can I let it go again? I can't keep living and burning like this.