You May Not Know This But My Two Lost Boy Aesthetics Have A Little Story Behind Them.

You may not know this but my two lost boy Aesthetics have a little story behind them.

When I was in elementary-6th grade. I was made fun of for being 'weird' and I was also depressed , had, and still have a phobia of growing up. I once got to a place where hoping Petter Pan would take me away from all the bad things that have ever happened to me. Into a place where I am truly free. Was the only thing keeping me alive.

Since I was little I thought if anything good happens to me. It would eventually be followed by something bad.

Dear diary 3/8/2020

They are here, I can can feel them watching me. I am not alone and it scares me.They are in my mind saying my name, and using it as a place for their thoughts. But are those my thoughts? But if they are why would they suggest the things they do? Why would I want to hurt and cause drama between my friends? I went through life wanting friends. I can't just throw that away, not now. I feel like they want me alone, scared, and in the dark. I'm was pacing in large circles around my backyard. But now I'm sitting on a swing I don't remember walking to. Just thinking about everything....... This may seem strange, but right now I feel like necklace is creating a barrier between me and them. Maybe it (my friends) can stop them. But I don't know what they are. I want to embrace them. But it is hard when all they do is make you feel so unsteady, and anxious. I would tell people, but most aren't like this. I don't want to be questioned again. Maybe they are the embodiment of the feeling I've always had. The feeling of emptiness, the feeling that I don't belong. Maybe they are trying to get my attention so I can be with them.. Or maybe they are mad and want me gone... But who cares? They might try to do something while I sleep. But right now I'm too tried, and numb to care. I don't want to give in. But if I do maybe.......... No. I had this feeling for too long. I want to know my REAL emotions for once. But for now that is not a option. Maybe one day though...... Thanks to the kids that used to bully and make fun of me I've learned to have pride. To identity myself in a thing that only pulls me under. Don't worry I'm just the "weird" kid. This is why I don't talk to people about "feelings". All it dose is make people worried, scared, and sad. Making me nothing but a killjoy. As for the ones watching me they may scare me. But they taught me not to judge or hate something/someone because you can't understand. At least they are always there. They can't do the things my friends can. My friends can't judge me the same way they can. Because they unlike my friends. Can see through my mask and see the whole picture, not just a piece.

I went to the zoo today with one of my friends and my family. I found the bracelet and the turtle on the floor. I bought me and my friend yin and yang necklaces I got Yin he got yang. He got two rings gave me one and attached it to my Yin necklace. So overall it was a good day 😊

Also while I was there me and my friend were hugging holding hands Etc and some people of the zoo gave us dirty looks. Why because apparently I look like I'm 10 or 12 and he looks like he's 18 or older. Even though we're only two years apart and still in high school.