Dear Diary#3

Dear Diary#3

This is the part 2 of what it is like. I new that he was talking shit bout me to those who “ care “ about him.

HOw am I suppose to feel about any of this. What are the appropriate thoughts I should have? What do I get out of this?

The child I had an hand in, in raising. In influencing, In shaping has sooo much to say when I give options to rectify. When I was addressed by the adults. All I heard was excuses.

I’m so glad That I’m able to feel as free as I want to be now. Now that he is leaving my house I can feel the calm that came before this man made storm. I brought this on to myself because I though that this guy was worth it. You see, people bring up the fact that he’s 18. But! When things are supposed to go his way, he’s a man and should have the liberties to do what it is that he wants to do.

To me! That Is straight bull shit. Yes I was on my own. A lot more than he was. He was sheltered more than me. But! This is the way the world is operating. I’m doing what I would call a merciful crulty. Although to me it’s not cruel. But if you aren’t me and do not know what It is that I know. You’ll see I’m being truly kind. This to me makes me feel Iike I’m Thano’s in the MCU. Where everyone thought he was the bad guy by how he went about his business. No! I’m not killing anyone . BUt! I am being hard on the young man because. All he knows is comfort. What happens to a man in the real world who only knows comfort. He becomes another mans bitch! Or even a woman’s bitch! And with that. Too be a woman’s bitch, to me, is worse! Because, most of all, women that is, have expressed. That’s not what they want. Not what they Value. Not what they, most..... importantly respect!!!

If a woman does not respect you. You have lost already. Men! They will always be around. You can always do something to make a man want you. The trick is, you just have to be consistent. But! Women! No! Because the world is so unnecessarily hard on them. They wont take less than, from any man. They will use you until they spit you out! This is why I’m hard on him. He’s a fool for that good, good. And yes it’s happened to him more than once. He’s an introvert. So he does not talk about his feelings. BUt! Only lets you know what he want you to know so he can use you to his benefit. Something I have seen in him and will continue to disconnect myself from him for! His mother will always be a mother. But! To me he’s a shitty person.

Especially when all you have to do is ask. I will no longer be willfully blind to the actions of those who are around me or involved in my life. I’ve developed a new love language and it is called consistency. If you are consistently being an amazing person to me. I will be to you. But! No longer will I do this fucking stupid Jesus shit where I see and Minimize what I see happening in front of me. This is what I think the young man has come to me to for. In writing this, I did not think this at all until I started to ramble like morning birds on a tired day in my head. Thank you for these thoughts today, Tumbler Diary.  

I live art like this. So beautiful.

Future world traveler, currently beeing a professional sleeper. Robert Bashford

In the last few months things have been more abnormal, than normal for me. It’s pretty interesting to say that I find myself operating at a level of chaos that I shouldn’t be. Hectic situations are like being able to see the sun clearly. Where others only see purple storm clouds. I have always been grown. My youth was stolen from me. Ripped from the cage in my chest that holds my little beating heart. The adults around me forged a weapon against one another fom my little remains. Mother and child against father with son. Kin against kin.

Since the age of 7 years, adults have questioned me! Told me! Volun-told me what I should think and what I should do.

From there I was told how I should feel about my mother and ill fitting she was. And I was told about how much a loser my father was. Nothing, was fair for me. No experience of greatness thrusted for me to experiment of what I had come from. Only what I supposedly lacked.

By the ones we call family. On both sides, are the ones that create situations that ultimately have nothing to do with them. It’s always when the shoe is placed on the other foot they see how it feels.. …With no regret, I practice my bitch craft and I practice it fiercely. No hold bars. And anyone can catch a sift blade of my palatial sword. Burn from my relentless gaze.

I. Still angry because no one want to hear me speak. Vent, let out all of that anger. Tell my truth. I need to have the. Own up to what they have done. Admit that you were wrong and that I cost me emotionally type venting. In the end everything feels as it doesn’t matter because I was not planned more wanted in the first place. The shadows of there faces linger on my thought because I have been on my own for a very long while. I have been creating my own families. And still nothing ever compares. In one way or another I am, in the subtlest of ways. Reminded of my place in these places. In these groups, in these homes. I think that I will feel at ease. And at home, when I create my own organic family. Find my partner. Build a home. Create a stable life. And have babies.

I think that I’m ready to do this and never look back at those who I have come from. To never let my children and partner know what foolery, ignorance and contemptuous people that I birth from. “Now Is the time. Now is the hour. Now is the magic. Now is the power!”

So for those of you who are getting to know me. I'm an art lover. Art lover as in create art. Not know artist lol anywho, the detail in this and the expression I see in body, clothes as well as face is too dearing to me. I practice watercolor painting. I've dabbled in oil and it's so hard to do. With a bit of grit, I'll eventually get the hang of it.

Ernest Leonard Blumenschein (1874 - 1960) Untitled Oil on canvas 24 ¼ x 20 1/8 inches (61.6 x 51.1 cm)

“Valor withers without adversity.”

— Seneca, On Providence

Always classy... Anjelica Huston.