Personal Diary - Tumblr Posts

What 2022 has taught me...

People only remember me when they need me.

Apart from my close friends, people only text me or talk to me when they want something. My WhatsApp gets flooded around exams cuz everyone wants me to explain things to them. I hope they're not surprised when I end up ignoring them.

People can only hurt me if I let them.

I suppose it's a part of the human condition. I can't isolate myself from other humans. And these other humans rarely care about my feelings. So I get hurt. But I can control it to some extent. I prioritize those who care about me, I decide to give them that power to hurt me while hoping they never do. And they'll hurt me anyways cuz that's how things work.

Sometimes small actions speak louder than big gestures.

People can proclaim their love for you and shout it at the top of their lungs, make grand gestures. But what it boils down to is the fact that the little things matter more. Remembering someone's coffee preferences, or their favourite song must count for something. At least it does for me.

Some people just aren't worth my time.

Social media is a scam. Live your life for the memories, not the Instagram photos. Okay I learnt this a long time ago but I actually just realised how true it is.

I sometimes need to prioritise myself over other people. My feelings over their feelings. Or I'll lose myself in trying to please others.

Hi! So basically I’ve had this account for like a long time but never wrote here. I thought maybe I could keep a diary of some sorts of what I do but not like tell everything. But yeah. Well about me. I like to read books and watch TV. I also aspire to be a writer and just become the next big thing like Rick Riordan but instead of greek mythology I use witches. So yeah. Come and join me. -Rose

Dec. 5, 2021

Well, today I’m apart of an assembly for the club I’m in. It’s pretty boring. They still haven’t taken us out to show the school out club. But yeah. The other girls I’m with are busy taking about Wattpad. I remember being super into it. I actually was going to use it for my writing project.

So, the 1st assembly ended and was it fun. One of my clubmates participate in a game and almost won. We got to be apart of the “rollercoaster”. And yeah. Now we have to wait for the 2nd assembly.

So 2nd still hasn’t started so I’ve been watching “You” to keep busy. Omg. This dude is fucked up. I mean when he stalks a girl he’s keeping her “safe” but when someone else does it, it’s ”creepy”. I mean this guy is just something else.

I also thought it was time for ELA but turns out it isn’t yet. We have a special schedule for assemblies. And I forgot.

2/25/22

Haven‘t been on here for so long but just wanted to say assemblies are the worst. They are so boring. Why the fuck do they have these games, to delay the torture?!?

The only good thing was the dance performances. Those were so good. If I actually had talent, I would join.

Also I have this best friend. I mean we haven’t talked in such a long time since we don’t share anything. Like the only thing we share is the school since we have different lunches, classes and schedules. Like they don’t intersect at all. And I don’t text her as much because of homework and I forget so.... Maybe that’s why. Also whenever I do see her, she’s talking to a friend and I ... feel like I’m intruding. Like who wants to do that. I just wish I had more confidence to make new friends because I feel like I’m bothering people if I talk to them fore more than 5 minutes. I just don’t know how to make friends.

Plus she’s right next to me. And shes with another friend and I feel like if I say something I’m interrupting their convo. And who the fuck wants to do that. Or be that person.

Tbh, that felt therapeutic. Hopefully next year, I can be more confident and make new friends. Because I want to do all that friend stuff that I’ve seen on TV. Hopefully one day.

So ELA might actually be fun since I’m writing an essay on why LGBTQ+ representation should be in kids tv and movies. And yeah, it might actually be fun since I truly believe that it should.

04.04.22

je lui ai enfin enlevé son pansement. oui, il a pleuré, c’est sur, et pourtant je l’ai fait si doucement... l’eau chaude coulait sur son bras et son dos, et petit à petit la bande gluante a révélé une croûte irrégulière, comme une petite île à la géographie accidentée et douloureuse.

j’avoue que j’étais curieuse de savoir ce qui se cachait sous ce pansement; qu’était-il devenu de la plaie ? cela faisait plus d’une semaine qu’il traînait son pansement au coude, grave et inquiet comme un adulte. je m’étais dit : le pansement va se coller à la plaie; devenir une infection; je m’étais dit: du pus, du pus!

il a eu une fièvre et j’ai pensé: voilà, ça y est. il va mourrir d’un choc septique à cause de la plaie la plus bête du monde.

mais aujourd’hui j’ai enfin enlevé le pansement, et il n’y avait qu’une petite île.

veiller le sommeil d’un enfant dont la fièvre s’éteint et puis se rallume encore et encore, comme une auréole autour de sa tête.

des fleurs de lys fondaient comme des bougies allumées dans la chaleur de ses mains.

cet après-midi j’ai rêvé que nous dormions sur un nuage. il y avait dans ce nuage quelque chose de maritime, une impression d’écume de mer, ou peut-être une ombre nacrée comme le coin le plus doux d’un coquillage.

c’était un beau petit rêve.

yesterday it was my first session with my new therapist, and even though i was optimistic and hopeful, just talking about how i’ve been feeling left me drained and close to tears.

this year, i lost too many people, including my last therapist, who i loved so much. she had a stroke and passed, just two weeks after my aunt also passed.

i still don’t know how to deal with this. just a few days ago, i lost my grandfather. earlier this year, an uncle died from a heart attack.

it’s too much. all of this was so sudden that i can’t see a future for myself. i feel it can all just end abruptly. i can’t concentrate on writing my thesis, i can barely convince myself to brush my teeth every day. all i can seem to do easily is to left things for my family in case i pass suddenly. i buy books thinking they might want to keep them, i wrote down all my passwords, i try to leave a trail behind me that they could easily follow if i’m not here anymore. the only future i can imagine is one i’m not a part of.

my new therapist is so smart and sweet that she understood quite quickly how all of this connects into my anxiety and fear of abandonment. and she says we’ll tackle it all slowly, one step at a time, because it would be too painful to go straight to the wound. she’s right. after our session i felt like my heart was raw again, a bruised muscled, and all i could do was take a shower and cry and cry and cry.

grief is too hard.

even posting my complaints is killing me with anxiety because servers consuming energy and whatever else just for me to air my bullshit thoughts (: ahahahaa

starting work with my new therapist has made me realize how much bullying was a formative experience for me. i have constructed myself entirely around the pain of being ridiculed and rejected, created for myself a new personality based on super rigid standards that i had to match in order to not hate myself

and now that i cant be magic teenage girl anymore i hate myself again lol

my favorite movies are those delicate asian movies like shunji iwai’s

have you noticed, it really isn’t about the plot but the sheer aesthetic experience of the magic side of everyday life, the enchantment of banality

this is how i wish to live, not anxiety and avoidance all the time but present, able to enjoy cooking a meal or walking to the train or having an actual conversation with someone. i have such a hard time with it because dealing with actual real life is such a fucking chore, i know i just have to search harder for the interesting parts but usually i just end up very lightly touching it when i actually wanted to immerse myself completely in real life

my therapist told me my assignment this week was to do something in a mediocre way, by choice, and see how it feels to me (as an uptight perfectionist)

you’re never gonna guess! i’m struggling to do something in a mediocre way “just right”. i’m trying to find the perfect way to be mediocre like i can’t half ass being mediocre i have to get it JUST RIGHT

talk about backfiring

Recording the Pokemon XY Nuzlocke in writing and I would love to recreate this someday, but I have lost the file with this in it and did not finish the journey. Maybe someday I can restart.