PSA - I Don't Know Why I Am Surprised I Have To Say This.

PSA - I don't know why I am surprised I have to say this.

If you are here getting your jollies to my trauma, you are on the wrong blog. This is not a power dynamic kink or an excercise in sub/dom. This is not sexy, and if you are in any way aroused by anything I'm writing you are not welcome here.

I try not to yuck people's yums, but i have absolutely no respect for nonconsensual or exploitative use of my experiences. Particularly some of the shittiest moments of my life.

Clear off, creeps.

Spring awakening

It's beginning to warm up a little, and that does have a tendency to help pull me out of a rut. I had the windows open a bit and was enjoying the fresh, cool air.

Until, of course, I heard the sound of his motorcycle in the neighbourhood. At least I think it was his. I got accustomed to recognizing the different hums each machine made, and I could pick his out easily enough last summer.

The sound used to thrill me; now it brings me nothing but dread and reminds me how easily he could appear out of nowhere this season. So much for a pick-me-up.

The windows are closed again.

Tried a self defense course tonight. Realized i am not ready to have people touch me.

Particularly not cishet white men. And particularly not around the throat.

He left me a voicemail telling me he'd forgiven me and he'd like to give me my things back as a sign of good faith. That was enough to shake me up a bit, but, of course, he always pulls through to set me straighf again. Not even 24 hours later.

If I ever say something like this ^ again, link me to this:

I am ashamed that i am inches away from contacting him today.

I remember watching this 4 or 5 years ago.   I didn’t want to see, hear, or acknowledge it because her experiences were eerily familiar.  But I kept watching, and that voice kept screaming.

He was in earshot.  He laughed at the burger part.

There were weeks where I would go without taking a deep breath lest I make too much noise and attract attention to myself. Being in an abusive relationship means trying to live as silently as possible, creeping about, mastering the art of crying silently and stifling the voice screaming in your head.

Hey I just want to say I think you are good enough and deserve happiness and hope and safety from harm.

You are very sweet for taking the time to reach out to me. Thank you for the kind words; they mean more than you know.