Hunting

Hunting

My new found self worth tells me I should be making more money.

This could end up being a problem.

He wouldn’t let me keep pierogi in the house because he disliked them so much. I was not even allowed to eat them when he wasn’t home.

Guess what I’ve got a bit ol’ plate of right now?

The woman I've had some successful dates with currently lives in a town adjacent to his home town. Upon fb investigation, some of her friends went to his highschool.

So I'm in a panic of course.

Im going through and blocking any fringe people who may make connections. I stumbled across his Dad's fb, and curiosity got the best of me.

There is a pic of him, his sisters and his dad at a hockey game. He has a beard now. It sort of suits him.

He looks happy. And I have that age old ache in me.

But then I remember that he's probably sitting there complaining about the cold, the food, and the crappy seats his parents made him pay for.

I look a little closer at his eyes and they look the same. He's the same.

I've just blocked his dad and I feel nothing.

"So are we going to do it today or what?"

He'd ask me at 10am and hold me to it in the evening. Not that it mattered. The answer was always 'yes' because it was not a good thing to say 'no'.

There are playful, sweet or smouldering ways to ask these things and keep a mood going all day.

This wasn't that. This was a contractual obligation. And it didn't matter what happened to me the rest of the day. If i wasn't ready when he decided it was time, there were consequences.

“I am sorry someone loved you badly, and that they made you feel like you take up more space than you deserve. I am sorry they abandoned you when you need them the most and it has made you believe that love is an awful thing that hurts.”

—

Nikita Gill

My parents are spending their Friday night going through old unlabelled spices and dried herbs in their cupboards and trying to guess what they are based on the smell. They're so pumped when they're certain they've identified one; they may just be having the time of their lives.

This is clearly #relationshipgoals. So I wonder how I grew up seeing my folks who genuinely love and like one another and still ended up in a relationship that nearly killed me.

What went wrong in this brain of mine?