Self Hate - Tumblr Posts
My parents are spending their Friday night going through old unlabelled spices and dried herbs in their cupboards and trying to guess what they are based on the smell. They're so pumped when they're certain they've identified one; they may just be having the time of their lives.
This is clearly #relationshipgoals. So I wonder how I grew up seeing my folks who genuinely love and like one another and still ended up in a relationship that nearly killed me.
What went wrong in this brain of mine?
I Need Answers!!!
i just want to disappear, evaporate into thin air. life isn't worth living, i'm sad constantly, i have no friends, i've been slowly pushing my family away from me. i've been praying to God that he'll just kill me off already. what the hell is my purpose in this life. where am i supposed to end up. how do i go on constantly knowing i'm worthless and sad!!!
I’m sick of being tired I’m sick of being sad I’m sick of being fat I’m sick of being ugly I’m sick of being stressed I’m sick of being hated I’m sick of being lonely I’m sick of being worthless I’m sick of being useless I’m sick of being hopeless I’m sick of being unwanted I’m sick of being not good enough I’m sick of being a disappointment I’m sick of being forgotten I’m sick of being anxious I’m sick of being depressed I’m sick of being suicidal I’m sick of being alive I’m sick of being me I’m lost and nobody can save me from myself now
I don’t know why I’m writing this, I guess I’m just completely lost and hopeless right now, or maybe I’m hoping this could be my last word, my suicide note, or I’m actually hoping for someone to read this and save me from myself, I don’t know, but I feel like I need to apologize, for everything, to everyone…
Mom, dad, I’m so sorry for disappointing you over and over, for not being able to make you proud and happy, for being a terrible daughter, even with all your love an support for me, I still managed to fail every time, the last thing I want is to see your disappointed face, I just want you to be proud of me, I want you to be happy, I’m scared, what am I supposed to do if you’re gone without me making you proud, I love you two very much and I’m scared you’ll leave me before seeing me actually happy and succeed, and if someday you see me broken, I promise that it’s not because of you, you two are the world to me,you two are the one who actually make me come this far in life, because you supported me, you pick me up when I was down, you dedicated most of your time working to pay for me…
My little brother and sister, sorry for being a horrible and mean sister, to me you two are my light, and no matter what I will love you two forever, we used to always be together, playing, fighting, eating, studying, we even sleep together every night, and I expected us to always be like that, I’ve never thought that we’ll slowly drift apart like this, now I’m just an embarrassment for you two, it hurts seeing how you’ve grown more distant from me, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve said and done but please don’t ever forget the time when we laugh together, when we’re hugging each other tightly after we watched a scary movie, when we fight and dad scolds us, I want you two to be someone who can make mom and dad proud, unlike me, and I want to see you two find your goal in life and make your dream come true, I know it will be tough, but I promise I’ll do my best to help you, even if I’m struggling myself, you both are my first priority…
Friends, besties, I’m sorry if I ever ignored you, or not replying your texts, or acting childish and dorky, I just didn’t want you to see how broken I actually am, I’m afraid that you would see me as I see myself, weird and fucked up, you have your own problem, so why would I burden you more with mine, you being there beside me and talk to me is enough, I don’t care if you’re true or fake, whats important is you actually talk to me like I’m there, like I’m actually something that deserved to say hello to, you’re all precious to me, and I’m so sorry if I make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry if you ever see me as stupid bitchy hypocrite, I swear I didn’t mean to be like that, but all those days we spent together at school, all those times you teased me, all those memories of us bickering, arguing, teasing, I will treasure it always…
Teachers, if you ever see me not paying attention in class, or daydreaming and such, i’m truly sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel unimportant, I never meant to disrespect you, you’ve spent your life teaching me and I’m grateful, without your guidance, I wouldn’t be here now, you’ve spent your life sharing your knowledge with me, and here I am can’t seem to remember anything, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to thank you for every lesson you’ve taught me, I always knew I’m not the best student, I’m not even sure you would remember me once I graduate, but to me you’re irreplaceable and I’m sorry for everything…
To everyone I actually know in real life, I’m so sorry for not showing any of you the real me, I’m sorry I choose to bottled up everything and never said a thing, I’m sorry I choose to ramble here compared to any of you, my world is broken, and I don’t want make yours fall down with mine, I don’t want to feel like an attention-seeker, so I choose to keep silent, I’m afraid that if I actually told anyone, they would’ve changed, and then left…
I spent so much time comforting people when inside I’m dying, I always wear long sleeves even in summer because I’m insecure of my body and scars, I’ve helped someone recovered from depression and until now, she doesn’t know that I have depression too, funny right, to be honest I hate it when people said that depression is stupid, anxiety is stupid, eating disorder is stupid, and “just get over it”, you wanna know what’s stupid? Society is stupid, who do you think made us insecure about ourselves and made us think that we better be dead? Society, I’ve spent so many years hearing all those things, and honestly I don’t think I can deal with them anymore, I just don’t know what to do anymore so I just smile, that’s it, I just smile, I covered all my insecurities with my smile, I hide my self hate behind my laugh, I locked up all my depressive and suicidal thoughts and replaced it with a bubbly and childlike attitude, I’ve always tried my hardest to help others because I know how it feels to have nobody to help you, I’m befriending every living person I know because I know what it’s like to feel alone
Look at me writing all of this stupid things, it’s not like anyone would ever read this, but to anyone who actually spend their time reading this let me tell you, the world is a beautiful place, there’s so much things to look forward to, even when things get rough it’ll get better, you don’t have to push yourself to be someone you’re not, block away all the things society had told you, you’re you, and that won’t change, you matter, you’re important to someone, even if you don’t realize it, you’re enough, you’ve made mistakes and failures, it’s okay, it’s human, you’re beautiful just the way you are, you’re more than those numbers on the scales, more than what you see when you look at the mirror, more than what society know, and in case you haven’t know, you’re perfect, so find something you genuinely like to do, and hold on to it, as stupid as it sounds, I ’m actually here because of music and anime/manga, call me weird but it actually did it, I made this far because i found so much lesson in the things I love to do, and when the time comes, you’ll know what you’re meant to be, you exist for a reason, go find that reason
Friends: I'm finally a college student!
Others: I can't wait for college to start!!
Everybody else: I'm so excited for college!!!
Me: It haven't even started yet, and I know my college life will be crap....
I'm a burden for my parents I'm the bad example for my siblings I'm a disappointment for my family I'm the ugly one in friendships I'm the stupid one in school I'm the lazy one in collage I'm the useless in work I'm the failure in life
2.50 am
So, this has helped me. Because my brain does this thing where one persona actively wants to harm me. And when it wants me to remember a phrase or important symbol; it wants me to carve it into my skin. But instead I use permanent markers. Because this me detests self-harm vehemently
When u wanna hurt yourself so u paint instead
Drabbles
Pairing: personalized (so me as MC, can be viewed either as platonic or romantic)
Summary: just a few drabbles
Warnings: SPOILERS FOR VINCENT'S, ISAAC'S (IF YOU SQUINT) AND LEO'S ROUTES!!! Description of mental health issues (I can't specify, bc I don't know what's wrong with me) (it's escalating from the least to the most angsty drabble), suicide intention
A/N: This. Is. Super. Angsty. I've been struggling lately and this is for my comfort only, I'm posting this for the small chance you'd like to read it and maybe find comfort in it yourself. I must warn you though, this is triggering.
* * * * *
Opposites
"Truth is...I'm not like most people." Vincent confessed, his eyes never moving from the canvas.
It was a warm and sunny day and Vincent asked Robin to keep him company, while he painted. And who was she to turn down The Vincent van Gogh?
However, this sentence quite caught her off guard. "I mean, you're a vampire..." she said and he chuckled, the sound so light and carefree it made a smile appear on her face as well. "Although that is true, it's not what I meant." his hand worked effortlessly on the painting that was slowly unravelling in front of her "I don't feel things like other people do." he explained.
The made her confused. What did he mean? As if sensing her question, Vincent continued "Ever since I can remember, I never felt any negative emotion. Sadness, anger, envy, all those things are foreign to me."
Suddenly, his smile felt completely different, despite never changing. It was strange seeing him talk about such a glum thing with such a gentle smile on his face and look in his eyes. Then again, she couldn't recall a single moment, where Vincent would be angry or any type of negative...
It came to Robin that this was probably an intimate subject for him and she certainly didn't want him to feel pressured into talking about this with her. When she voiced her concerns, he turned to look at her "There's nothing to worry about Robin. After all, you said you wanted to get to know me better, so I thought you should know." he assured her with a smile, finally looking at her.
Then the conversation stopped and they were both left in silence. Not an awkward one, perhaps Vincent was just giving her time to process it all, which was something she definitely needed.
Robin layed down on the warm grass, putting an arm over her eyes as she listened to the soft sounds of Vincent's brush gliding over the canvas.
What did that feel like, not feeling negative emotions? For a fleeting moment she thought it must've been nice, but then all the downs of it dawned on her. Not being able to be sad when someone close to you dies. Not being able to get angry at someone mistreating others... She'd hate herself if she wasn't able to feel these things and yet she wouldn't even be able to do that.
"Thank you for telling me that Vincent." Robin said quietly, her voice loud enough for him to hear. "You went quiet all of a sudden." the painter pointed out. "I just imagined what that must be like." she shrugged her shoulders.
If he told her something so personal, it only made sense that she tells him something about herself too. Robin had an idea of what she could tell him, but the thought of confessing something like that made her anxiety shoot through the roof, insecure thoughts filling her mind.
Robin hesitated on her next sentence, choosing carefuly every word "I think I have the opposite problem." His head perked up at her words, his whole body turning to face Robin, yet she still layed with her eyes covered, not looking at him. "What do you mean?" it was now his time to be confused.
"I think too much about everything. Small things, big things, things that aren't even happening to me. I like to think about it all, ponder and view from all the different angles. It's my biggest gift and a curse as well." she removed her arm and gazed at the blue sky, not wanting to be envelopped by darkness when she says this.
"A lot of things happen in the world. All the time. Sometimes...it gets too much. I feel like I'll burst with all the thoughts and emotions raging like a storm inside me and then I'm just...numb." Out of the corner of her eye, Robin could see Vincent tilting his head to the side a little. "It's like my whole mind just...shuts down and concentrates on the simplest tasks, like doing my work, eating, sleeping. I can be empty like that for months and months. The truth is," she paused to turn her head to look into his eyes, those bright blue oceans, that no longer looked happy, but rather concerned "the truth is that there's so much pain in my mind, that it refuses to acknowledge it anymore." Robin shifted her gaze towards the grass as she began to play with it "Or so I've been told."
The silence that followed was much heavier than the previous one. Robin thought it was because this time, Vincent didn't smile. No, he was frowning. Just like he did for her, she gave him time to process it, secretly hoping that she didn't ramble too much.
But after a while Vincent smiled again, though this time she thought it was for her sake only "Thank you for telling me Robin." She blushed at his words "Are you sure I didn't talk too much?" she asked bashfuly to reassure herself. Vincent nodded, chuckling "Of course not. After all, I said I wanted to get to know you more too, didn't I?" he smiled at her and the afternoon continued as peacefully as ever.
Purpose
One of her most favorite things in this new life she was living was napping with Leonardo.
She was never a good sleeper, so she'd come to him and ask him if they can nap together and he never declined, much to her joy. After some time, she stopped asking. She saw him sitting on the library floor, that droopy look in his eyes and she just plopped down next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder and he understood.
Today, she found him in his room, laying in his bed for once. Once he saw it was Robin who entered, he scooted away to make room for her and she joined him. They layed on their sides, facing eachother to save as much space as possible.
But today was different. While Leonardo's sleepiness always made her relax and fall asleep as well, it seemed today even he couldn't sleep. And so they talked. At first it wasn't anything serious, everything and nothing, their voices hushed, so they wouldn't ruin the quiet atmosphere and besides, there was no reason to be loud.
But as the conversation went on, the topics started getting more serious and so turned the tones of their voices as well.
The deep sadness Leo's eyes held as he told her about his alchemy experiments was surely engraved in her mind for the time being.
"I think that because your lives are limited, it gives you purpose."
She took in that sentence for a while, before she giggled. The sadness that plagued those beautiful golden eyes was quickly replaced by confusion and before he could think she was making fun of him, Robin tried to explain, not realizing where would this sentence take her "I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you, I swear!" she wheezed breathlessly between giggles.
Leonardo quirked a brow "And what are you laughing at then?"
Not long after she managed to calm down her breathing and the realization that she'll really have to confess something she hasn't told even the doctors in her time dawned on Robin. She suddenly didn't feel like laughing at all.
"Well, the irony of the situation." she started sheepishly. Leonardo didn't seem much wiser, so she took a deep breath and collected her thoughts for a short while.
"I actually think the opposite." another deep breath and a sigh "Stop me if I ramble too much, alright?" she looked at him and he smirked at her in a way that told her that he knew this isn't going to be a happy topic, but in no way in hell was he going to stop her. Curious bastard, Robin thought with a grumble and shuffled closer to him, that way she wouldn't have to look him in the eyes.
"This happened a long time ago, but it stuck with me. I don't remember what I was doing, I just remember, I stopped in the middle of completing the chore, for some reason, and thought to myself: Am I happy?
And do you know what the answer to that was? No. No, I didn't feel happy. To be completely honest, I didn't feel anything. But that didn't make sense, everything was going fine, I didn't have a reason to feel this way or in this case, not feel.
I started thinking about it, monitoring myself more and I realized just how numb I really am most of the time. Of course, I started to question it. Why was this happening? Why did everything feel like a dream? Why did the days, weeks, months go by, while I felt like I lived in a bubble, one that numbs everything, makes things feel muffled.
I started questioning my life. Was anything really real? Was I real? It didn't feel like I was. How does it even feel, being real? I should know, I am... Aren't I?
It started out so small. One stupid question. One easy question.
The more I thought about it, the more disconnected I felt. Every day I felt more numb. I wished I could just stop everything, but I couldn't. I carried on doing the things I was supposed to do. Go to school, do my chores, socialize with other people. I didn't know why I was doing it, it didn't make any sense, but at the same time, it was the only logical thing for me to do, something I was used to, I couldn't just stop, that would only make this chaos worse.
And I suffered through it all. When somebody asked, I didn't lie. I had no reason to. I knew there were people who'd gladly help me, but fear of annoying them and upseting them made me stay away. If they would leave, I'd truly lose my mind.
Nothing made sense anymore. My life, my choices, nothing. I was clinging to any at least a bit logical thing in my life, because everything felt so pointless, so abstract and absurd. I thought I didn't matter. That nothing I'll ever do will matter.
I still think so. I still don't feel anything most of the time, I still think everyone on this planet is worthless, even though saying it out loud feels wrong. I'm just too numb to care at the moment."
She didn't want to look at him. Through her whole speech, Leonardo was as quiet as a mouse. Finally his rich voice sounded above her head "Why didn't you just stop thinking about it then?"
Robin smiled dryly "Because it felt like I was avoiding the subject. Like it was a responsibility that I just have to get over with and I'll finally be able to breathe again."
Leonardo was quiet. Her words were strong, nothing like he'd ever heard before. There was a real pain in those words and he, as much of a smooth talker as he is, wasn't sure he could say anything that would change her mind.
So he opted for just holding her, until he'll be able to make her smile again. And perhaps a real smile this time, one she'd truly feel.
Sung woes
(I'll pretend I can sing and play the piano in this one XD)
Inspired by: Irony - English cover by Lizz Robinnet
Soft knocks sounded through Mozart's room, the great composer huffing in annoyance and turning away from his desk, where he was working on his newest piece.
Opening the door he found Robin nervously shuffling in front of him. "What do you need?" Wolf asked boredly.
"W-well, you see, uhm..." she stumbled over her words. Mozart rolled his eyes impatiently "Get on with it already." he groaned out. Robin tensed "I wanted to-to ask you, if I could play something on the piano, maybe..?"
When he just blankly stared at her, she waved her hands dismissively in front of her "O-or not! It doesn't matter, if you don't feel comfortable, I get it, hehe." she tried to laugh it off.
Mozart was in fact considering letting her play, since to this moment, he didn't know she was capable of it. Curiousity winning over his obsessive cleanliness, he sighed "Fine. Just don't get it dirty or anything."
Robin quickly nodded and rushed to the music room.
When the door closed behind her, the composer stepped back into his room, but instead of continuing his work, he headed for the bed. He sat on it and listened carefuly for any sounds.
At first, a few random melodies rang through the air, to warm herself up, he presumed.
Then, a seemingly cheerful melody, although muffled by the wall, floated from his music room.
It sounded light and airy, but had a sad undertone to it. He thought about maybe coming to listen, but quickly discarding the idea, for he himself hated being interrupted.
And it would stay that way, had the woman in the next room not started singing. Mozart couldn't make out the words from his room and so his curiosity won.
Quietly, like a thief, he crept out of his room, towards the white door to his music room. He could now hear everything much clearer and had to admit, Robin wasn't half bad. But the music was louder than her voice and it bothered him. He desperately wanted to know what the lyrics were about.
Maybe he could open the door, just a tiny bit, so the sound could escape?
Is this how others pass this room when I play? the composer wondered with a frown, feeling a bit ashamed.
If that's the case then just hear my plea: Pick me up and drop me into unfaltering sleep!
The sudden change in melody startled Mozart from his thought's, the slight glimpse of the song's lyrics worrying him. There was no way now that he'd turn away.
He reached for the knob and with the speed of a snail turned it around, making sure no potentional creaks could be heard.
He flinched at the sudden increase in volume and opened the door wider, so he could comfortably watch her. If she noticed him, he could just say he was checking if nothing happened to his piano.
What he wasn't expecting, was a hand on his shoilder and a joyful voice whisper too near to his ear for comfort "Peeping into your own room, are we?"
Mozart quickly recovered from the surprise, quickly pulling his face away from the door and facing an unlikely duo that isn't seen unless a certain physicist is present.
"What are you two doing here?" Mozart hissed at Arthur and Dazai, both writers smiling innocently. "I just noticed the sudden change in the songs, so I figured someone else must be playing and that alone is a wonder. I needed to see it with my own eyes. I didn't know Robin could play." smiled Arthur.
"I'm wondering where did all the sadness come from. Toshiko-san looks always so happy, I wanted to see what has made her so sad?" Dazai's smile turned a little sad and sympathetic, as if he knew exactly what was happening.
"How do you know she is sad if you didn't hear the lyrics?" asked Arthur. "Don't you hear? It's not the lyrics, it's the way she sings. Only an idiot wouldn't notice that." Dazai answered. Mozart nodded "I only was able to make out bits of it, but it doesn't sound very positive.
Arthur's expression turned serious "Well then we should confront her about it, singing or not." and pushed past the composer, him and Dazai hot on his tail.
The sudden arrival startled Robin and the music stopped for a short while. She didn't look at them, she didn't want to, if she did, she would break down and the song would be left unfinished.
Just as Arthur opened his mouth, her voice cut him off "Step back from me, please, leave me be, this so deceitful road that I stumble on is never going to end." her voice was soft, before suddenly increasing again.
"It's getting difficult to maneuvour and it's just worthless to try and run away, so I'll just hold my hands over my ears and block out all this noise. How can I live not knowing what life is? Sometimes my dreams seem to be more realistic, obviously I can't be called happy, then what am I after all? "
The way Robin sang felt like she was talking directly to the three men in the room with her and left them speechless.
She gently put the lid on the piano keys and quietly stood up, drying her hands on her skirt. Muttering a quiet thank you to Mozart she made a beeline towards the exit, trying to get away from the situation and probable interrogation as quickly as humanly possible.
A certain Japanese writer caught her sleeve before Robin could slip past him "That was truly beautiful Toshiko-san." he said with a smile, although the tone of his voice was nothing but serious "But if you ever need to talk... My windows are always open." joked Dazai at the end, prompting a chuckle out of her. Arthur and Mozart stayed silent, neither of them being the type of person one would come confess to.
"Thank you Dazai, really, but...I'm alright." and with a smile she was gone. But neither of the men could believe her words.
The thought came out of nowhere.
Momentary relapse
Now would be a good time to do it.
And so she did. She tied two scarves together and put them in a bag, ready to go.
The middle of the night, the sky clear, stars littered the black canvas like pearls. Would this be any other night, she would stop and admire the view above her, but tonight everything that didn’t have to do anything with her goal was a potential distraction that could change her mind.
Her brain already decided she was gonna do it and she went along with it, chickening out now would only be cowardiness, Robin thought. And if there was anything she learned from the geniuses she residet with, it was bravery.
Tiptoeing out of her room, Robin quietly crept through the hallway past all the resident’s rooms.
A muffled melody could be heard in the music room and light shone from under Arthur’s door. They must be still up, thought Robin and it made her feel strange. Would they realize tommorow morning that she must’ve went past them while they were still awake? Would they feel guilty? She hoped not. It would be best if they just forgot she ever existed.
Robin wasn’t naive. She knew she was loved and very much so, she also knew that by ending her life she would hurt those who loved her, but they were strong, stronger than she was anyway, maybe it would take a while, but they would get over it eventually.
Once she was out in the garden, Robin breathed a tired sigh of relief. Focusing only on her way she made her way through the garden, towards the forest surrounding the mansion. How hard could it be? You just have to find the right tree, pick a branch strong and high enough, tie the end of the noose around it, put your head through the actuall noose and the rest is easy, right? She could figure it out once she gets there, it’s not like anyone was following her.
“Ehm. Where are you going?”
Too soon. Robin winced. She was so consumed by her thoughts that she didn’t notice Isaac stargazing in the garden. Stupid, she reprimanded herself You should’ve expected something like this. It’s okay, you can lie your way through this.
“Hi Isaac.” she smiled her best smile at him. It felt strange, acting so casually while her end was nearing.
The air between them grew awkward, so Isaac coughed slightly and said “It’s not like it’s my business or anything, I was just surprised to see you here, and so...” his voice grew quieter as his confidence dissapeared. Mary smiled a him “It’s alright, I was just going in the forest for a stroll.” Isaac lifted an eyebrow “In the middle of the night?” “Yes, it will be an adventure! The forest can be quite spooky at night.” she grinned in response.
The physicist looked towards the dark woods, then back at his friend. “I will acompany you, if that’s okay.” Robin blinked at him in surprise. This wasn’t how it should’ve gone! He would only complicate things! But saying no could be suspicious. While Isaac took her surprised look as confusion “There could be wild animals and knowing you, you would definitely get in trouble.”
His words nearly made her cry. Once again she was reminded of how much she was actually loved. And so she agreed.
Side by side they walked deeper and deeper into the woods. While Isaac was looking up at the sky, Robin inspected all the threes around them. “We’re pretty deep in, how would you know your way back?” the man beside her wondered. Robin’s heart dropped. How was she supposed to answer to that? Maybe if I stay quiet, he’ll drop it. But that didn’t seem to be the case. “Well?” Isaac turned his head towards her.
“Uhh...I-I don’t know.” she shrugged her shoulders and laughed nervously. Isaac squinted his eyes and looked at her with a strange expression on his face. “What do you have in that bag anyways?” he asked curiously. Robin quickly shoved her bag behind her back to hide it from view, as if that would make him forget about it “Nothing important, really.” she quickly said. Perhaps too quickly. “What time is it?” she changed the subject.
Isaac blinked at her in surprise, then looked towards the sky once again “It’s close to midnight I think.” he muttered. “Well then, shouldn’t you be getting back? I mean, I don’t want you to starve, just because you’re too considerate.” Robin pushed on. “What about you?” Isaac asked as Robin started pushing him in the direction of the mansion. “Oh don’t worry about me for once. I remember the way.” she waved him off, said a quick goodbye and sent him on his way.
Isaac didn’t like that at all. Surely if she didn’t want to spend time with him she’d tell him, no? He just wanted to keep her company, since he heard from an unusually glum Dazai she hasn’t been feeling very happy lately.
Now that he thought about it, there were some red flags in his mind and the whole situation left him suspicious. Deciding to trust his gut more than logic, Isaac turned around and went to look for Robin, all the while trying to push the worst scenario out of his head.
He found her not far from the place he departed from her. She was facing a tree, holding something in her hands... "Robin?” he called out to her softly. Said woman jumped around, revealig her pale face and the object she was holding.
A noose.
“What are you doing?!” he asked, panicked, his worst fears confirming. Robin’s face was hard as steel, determined look in her eyes. Perfectly composed, she stuffed the deadly instrument back into her bag, marching past him towards the mansion “Nothing.”
Isaac, bewildered, quickly jogged up to her “Well, you were about to do something.” “Well, not anymore.” she huffed. “So what, you try to kill yourself and then pretend it didn’t happen?” “Yes, exactly. It was a momentary relapse, it won’t happen again.”
“I don’t want to try anymore Isaac. I’m tired. It’s been six months and things are only getting worse and worse. I’m not strong enough for this, I don’t need this, I never asked for this.” the longer she talked, the more rapid and shakier her voice became. He only squeezed her tighter “We’ll think of something.” he tried to assure her. “And what do you want to do? Isaac, this is not something temporary, not even the doctors in my time can do much about this! I don’t even know what’s wrong with me!”
Isaac quickly jumped in front of her and grabbed her shoulders. Robin turned her head down so she could avoid his gaze and pursed her lips. “You’re right. It won’t. I won’t ever let it get that far again.” Isaac told her quietly and firmly, drawing her into a hug.
The physicist quietly shushed her and slowly rubbed her back as she trembled in his embrace. He maybe looked composed but on the inside he was panicking. Truly, he didn’t know what to do. He would probably ask Comte or Leo, hell, even Arthur if that helped. They were certainly wiser or more suitable for this kind of problem. But he’d help however he could. Call it selfishness, but he would do anything to keep her here just a while longer.
Thaunknowndreadhead ~
My mouth hurts. . IM HURT. BUT IM STILL NUMB FROM LIFES BULLSHIT. I HURTMYSELF! IM NOT FUKN OK LATELY AND FEW KNOW!
[20:50] It sucks to be the only one left behind. People moving forward and you are strapped down by force of mind and by force of nature, your own mind trapping you in an endless spiral of self-hate. No one seems to aknowledge your mair existence, let alone your fears and needs and the tears skimming down your face night by night.
I have been the strong one for so long. I can not take it anymore. And if someone does not notice it soon enough, I’ll explode,and my blood and my insides will spill on your feet and you’ll have to ask where did you go wrong, what did you not do right.
Cause you’ll have my blood on your collarbones and my throbbing heart in your palm.
PLEASE END THIS TORTURE
⚠️Tw self meanspo⚠️
Only a genius like me could fucked up this way
How it was possible for me to misread the date of an exam?
How?
You are fucking stupid! You can't do anything right. You're worthless piece of shit, that's what you are!
You have to try harder to even be near dogs' level of usefulness.
Oh wait...
You aren't able to do that! You can't try harder because you FUCKING DON'T KNOW HOW!
Don't know how you have friends...are they even your friends? You think you deserve friends?
YOU DON'T!
You're a burden, a mistake, a problem. Don't go around smiling and being kind because they're not buying that. They don't need you!
You're miserable and you're trying to make yourself even more miserable by seeing therapist. You want an explanation to yourself, something you could blame for what you are.
But nothing can explain that. You're the problem, nothing else
You'd be better dead
No one needs you
Just die and let people breath
Summer Depression - Girl in Red
v e n t i n g
Self-Portrait for Digital Image Making.
I'm going to explain to others that this is a personal piece. Some people are aware that I was physically and mentally abused as a child by my mother. As a result, I constantly see myself as a broken, damaged individual who doesn't deserve any happiness.
This portrait is suppose to show the result of how I see myself as a result of the years of abuse. I see myself as a ugly person that needs to be hidden. All I can see about my appearance is the physical marks I had and emotional scars I still have and continue to cope with.
I've never actually cut myself but I have attempted it multiple times to deal with my pain, which is why I drew them on my arms.
The second image is what I used as reference. It was shot by my Digital Painting professor.
euphoria
Sometimes I like me,
Sometimes I hate me,
Sometimes, I don't even wanna be me.
Sometimes I'm better than everyone,
Sometimes I'm worse than everyone,
Sometimes I'm not even me.
