A Text From January 31, 2017

A text from January 31, 2017

wow all you need to do is surprise me with dinner, a new job, a three some, a vacation and a apartment (or your own home big enough for me)

and i would be dating you.

Hey, a flashback! Good to see you trauma brain; it's been a minute.

I must have looked deranged at the grocery store.

I was always in a RUSH. That was because he gave me a time limit, which was always arbitrary, based on what he considered acceptable. Needless to say, I always took too long, but that didn't stop me from trying to meet his unattainable standards.

I would double check, triple check my grocery list in a panic and talk myself through recipes out loud to ensure I wasn't forgetting any of the ingredients. Owing to the unreasonable time constraints and sleep-deprived state he kept me in, naturally I missed things. And realizing this upon walking in the house would make me break out into a sweat. Imagine being terrified and feeling sick because you forgot to purchase a sweet potato.

Occasionally the store would be out of something we needed. If I tried to explain, he'd accuse me of lying to cover up for being stupid and forgetting something. I started taking pictures of the empty shelves to defend myself, but then he'd ask why i didn't go somewhere else. If I did, there would be a penalty for the extra time it'd take to head to the other store.

There was also immense pressure to get it all done Correctly. What that meant changed week to week, moment to moment. Did i buy the right colour of pepper? He said he wanted turnip, but did he actually mean rutebega? What flavour of chips have i purchased in the last 8 weeks.? He said he wants 'healthy' granola bars but to 'make sure they dont taste like shit' with no further explanation, what does that mean? Getting an answer wrong was BAD. He might throw it at me, or slap me, or scream in my face. Best case was an eye roll with a retreat to the basement.

I made the Wrong Choice so often, the grocery store itself became a trigger.

There are lots of accounts online and elsewhere of people experiencing guilt due to a perceived lack of productivity right now.

I have that feeling every day regardless of what I've accomplished. He made sure I never felt comfortable resting; there was always something to do, some task that needed completion immediately after the last one, and some ball I was dropping by sitting on the couch and day dreaming for a few minutes.

This guilt is crippling and so hard to shake. It's a fight to remind yourself that rest, particularly in streessful times or when healing, is not a luxury.

It's a necessity.

Nothing reinforces your sense of self loathing quite like revamping your resume and cover letter.

As I am looking for a new job, I am subconsciously evaluating the level of public visibility I would have in that role. He had naked pictures and videos of me performing sex acts. And lots of videos with horrible, damaging, abusive and humiliating things he made or manipulated me to say.

I'm sure after all this time he's kept them. He's paranoid, you see, and he'd want to keep these as leverage in case I ever decided to go to the police.

He's also just a jealous, vindictive and angry man. He would be hellbent on destroying me if he perceived that I was more successful/important than him.

In case, despite the content of my blog, there was any doubt, I would like to state that I am against every kind of abuse whether it is individual or institutional.

I support Black Lives Matter. The abuse, disenfranchisement, and murder of black people at the hands of the police and other institutions has been systematic and widespread. It needs to end. And Canada, if you think you can feel superior because "it's not like that here," your ignorance is only overshadowed by how wrong you are.

There are people with better and more things to say on the subject, so I'm going to do what most of us should do and listen.