I Can Breathe Now - Tumblr Posts

Prologue

I survived you.

There were weeks where I would go without taking a deep breath lest I make too much noise and attract attention to myself. Being in an abusive relationship means trying to live as silently as possible, creeping about, mastering the art of crying silently and stifling the voice screaming in your head.

That feeling in my chest has gone since he found someone new. Since he stopped speaking to me.

The weight and waiting forever for the other shoe to drop.

I can scrape a life together from ashes and crumbs.

Everything I do is not wrong.

While helping him rebuild his basement, he got angry at me. He threw a 2x4 at me; it hit me in the shin. I have a tiny scar, but the memory has been seared into my brain for eternity.

The last two years

He found out two years ago.

He told me that he uncovered my indiscretions by looking for the best way to propose to me.  A clearer head tells me that his reason for snooping might not be true, but there was evidence everywhere, really.  Facebook, phone, my journals, everywhere. A friend of my theorizes that this was my subconscious’ attempt to get myself out: a bread trail of evidence.   

The jury is still out, but regardless - he found out and it all came to a head in January 2016.  He kicked me out, and I was so ashamed. For what I had done, for hurting him so profoundly, and for disrespecting myself so.  I would do anything to make amends for what I had done. I would do anything for the chance of having him back.

So he used this to his advantage.

Since that time, my reality before was simply amplified. I was now fully prohibited from expressing any sort of dissent or disagreement.  The things that I thought were logical and sane were clearly not in line with how “normal people” and specifically “normal women” did. He was to be able to insult and shame me without rebuttal at any opportunity he felt appropriate. After all, I was now deserving of every slur and insult he wielded, unlike before where he’d feel obliged to buy dinner after being abominable.

I was  to drop everything and cater to his every whim, which was what he stated I should have been doing from the beginning.  He didn’t like that the activities that I enjoyed took me away from him, and made me neglect the duties he believed were mine.  The sleep that I required to maintain sanity was disregarded.  He continually told me “Oh, but you function really well without much sleep” as if living on 2 - 3 hours a night for months on end wouldn’t ultimately take a toll on any human being. I was not permitted to make mistakes - no dropping things, getting injured involuntarily, putting things away somewhere other than where he explicitly wanted them (without actually providing that direction - I should have just “known things”) or completing tasks in a sequence other than how he gave them to me.

Usually consequences ranged from being reamed out, to some sort of humiliation, to sending me home with the threat of replacing me with someone more “dedicated” as I was unworthy.  Often there was a physical threat, or some milder physical violence.  Other times it got scary.

And this has been my life for nearly two years.  Existing for him and only for him.  Compromising my health, safety and mental state for the glimmer of a hope that he might take me, unworthy as I am, back.  Trapped by my own guilt and used by a man who has hurt me more than I am yet willing to admit. 

I survived that. I survived him. I can survive this. I can survive anything.

Yep.  I would love to say with confidence that I’d be here if he hadn’t left me, but I don’t think I would.

The phrase “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” can apply to terrible things too. You may not realize the amount of pain, depression, or abuse you are living through until you experience what life can be without it

SI

Tw - suicidal ideation, Plans.

I've lied to everyone who has ever asked. I have had a plan for a while: run my car off the road on the highway at the highest speed I can manage. Run into a pole or cement barrier.

That way, it could look like I just lost control and the people I love wouldn't have to torture themselves wondering what they could have done to prevent it. ( Ps. The answer is : Nothing).

So now you know. Plans ruined. Can't do it now.

Tension

My uncle the Pedophile left today.

Every part of me is exhaling.

Read through the correction.

Note to my ex.

Today my professor told me every cell in our entire body is destroyed and replaced every seven years. How comforting it is to know that one day I will have a body that you will have never touched.

My phone is not working well. It's gone completely unuseable a few times today. I am annoyed and inconvenienced.

If I were with him, his inability to get ahold of me would render me panicked and concerned for my safety. He did not like when I did not answer my phone.

Puts things in... perspective.

I am embarrassed to admit that I let him put one of those parental control apps on my last phone. It was after it all came out, and I did it as a sign of good faith. I had changed. I wasn't a cheater. I was actively building him up and saying good things about him.

He saw every text and every email. He knew exactly where I was at all times. I found some ways around it - he couldn't see whatsapp for example - but would see my useage of that app and then read all of my messages the next time we were together.

I had to navigate conversations with friends and my parents very carefully during that time. if he saw something that even remotely resembled a negative word or feeling about him from someone I was in for it.

I was constantly analysing all of my conversations, anticipating any possible interpretation. I would stategically delete parts of whatsapp convos with friends I didn't want him to see, and then agonize if the parts I had left made sense as part of a conversation.

He flipped shit a handful of times over spam I received despite that it clearly came from a shady source (sjxudnssjxu@fkzkakdn.bn.sk.ho.... Looks legit...)

When I got the phone I currently have in January of 2017 he told me he didn't want the app anymore. I took it as a sign that he was giving up on me and was devastated. But I always had the suspicion that he added it on somehow without me knowing it. At the time, I found that satisfying.

After waking up that fear terrorized me. He's calmed down trying to get ahold of me, so I have relaxed some in my paranoia. But occasionally i still rethink my word choice just in case *someone* is reading.

He cut me off a year ago today.

Best thing he probably ever did for me.

A year ago today was the day I started to want to feel better.

Poison from the Vein

I have been anticipating this milestone since September.

One year, from today, was the last time I ever spoke to him.

I wonder if he still uses me to get laid. Actually, I really couldn't care less.

Reminder:  It’s been 74 weeks of no contact.  

I am still here carving out a future of my own.

And I can breathe freely now.

Every day I remind myself that I should mourn for the past I lost to him and not the future I think I’ve lost without him.  

Him: YOU ARE SUCH A STUPID LAZY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I LET YOU BE HERE? I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES. THIS PLACE IS SO FUCKING FILTHY. I CAN'T EVEN INVITE SOMEONE OVER. IT'S EMBARRASSING. JUST BECAUSE YOU GREW UP IN FILTH WITH YOUR FUCKING PARENTS DOESN'T MEAN YOU STAY THAT WAY. I KEEP FUCKING TRYING TO FIX YOU BUT YOU'RE SO FUCKING USELESS AND HOPELESS.

Me: *quietly tends to the plate and glass in the sink that spawned this outburst*

Him: *glaring at me*

Me: *makes eye contact quickly to reassure him that I am not ignoring him (because he really REALLY doesn't like that) but not long enough to encourage a smack to the face or more yelling*

Him: what?

Me: *smiles and shakes head*

Him: What? You don't want to talk to me? Fine. Fuck this. *Goes to the basement to play games for 6 hours*

Me: *exhales silently*

Four years ago today he kicked me out. That was certainly not the end of my torture, but it marked the beginning of my escape.

I don't know if I would have ever taken the leap and left him on my own. I would like to think that I would have, but I believe I had resigned myself to being invisible forever.

I owe him nothing, but I'm grateful for this date as it helped me begin the rest of my life.