Damned If You Do.

Damned if you do.

If I had stopped an spoken to his cousin and his sister, he would have found some fault in what I said.

If I kept it to small talk, I would have been shallow and insincere.  If I told them how I was doing at work, I would have been making myself seem more important that I was. If I talked about him, I would have been embarrassing him by including myself in his life.  If I asked about them, I would have been prying for information on him that I was not entitled to.

I had to be honest.  But not too honest.  And not honest at all about certain things - arbitrary topics that he picked that I was not privy to until I had already committed the “crime”.

No matter what decision it was, it was always the wrong decision.  Simply because I made it.

Retrospect.

090820

Inspection

This was him if I was ever eating anything with my hands. Sandwiches, pizza, crackers, whatever.  He was waiting for the second a crumb dropped so he could squawk.

And, man, did he squawk.  As if he’d be the one cleaning it up.

I started doing the dishes immediately after I finished cooking so he’d be done or mostly done by the time I sat down to eat. He never sat with me if he was done.  

I ate a lot of cold food, but at least I could eat in peace.

My safety net was there and I had help and support.  That’s why I am safe now.

Some survivors are not so lucky.  Please help this person if you can.

May 8, 2021 (CW for abuse)

This is still my situation at home, with my partner.

For those who don’t know me, I’m Miriam. I’m 22. I’m a mostly-closeted trans woman in an abusive relationship. I’m trying to scrape together some funds to safely leave. A friend started a PayPal pool for me at the beginning of the year and I made this blog. Since then I’ve made some preparations, talked to a counselor, and I may have a temporary place to stay if I’m able to leave.

So, I could still use more help. Lack of money and a social safety net around me are what’s holding me back the most now. My car, despite my best efforts, is on its deathbed. At this point it would cost about as much to fix it as it’d be to scrap it and just buy another one. I still have medical bills piled up. I’d like to save up for staying somewhere more permanently someday. I’d still like to start taking steps to transition once I’m in a better place. I’d like to feel safe.

I’ll leave a link to the PayPal pool. Anything helps, including reblogs. You can donate anonymously and without having a PayPal account.

paypal.me

Miriam's escape fund

(Updated 8/5/21) Hi, I’m Miriam and I’m a trans woman trying to safely remove myself from a physically abusive relationship. I would appreci

Tagging some blogs in hopes for this to gain some traction, but no pressure. Thank you all. ❤️

@trans-mom @bihet-dragonize @ndiecity @girlfriendluvr @lezzyharpy @thebibliosphere @justsomeantifas​​ @one-time-i-dreamt​ @lesbonic-ebonics​ @closet-keys​ @socialistexan @peetbools @butchniqabi @omegaverse @bill-nye-official-blog

This text would have been Sept 2017, which is right before he cut me off long enough for me to wake up.

Emotional update: this doesn't hurt anymore. And the memories of this happening become blurrier as I get further away from it.

I does, however, invoke anger. It shows his audacity and cruelty, which undoubtedly some other poor soul is suffering the brunt of now.

It makes me sick that people like him exist in this world.

He’s going back on some parts of our separation agreement, so I have been looking for texts in case I need to submit evidence. It’s not relevant to our  agreement, but I found this.

Context:  I told him that I was going to be participating in my local Take Back the Night event. I was raped when I was 19, so it is close to my heart.

He sent me this message after kicking me out of the house again after I visited him. It happened a lot.  My memories can be foggy at times so I am not completely certain why I was vacated this time.  However an educated guess is it was one of the times I protested him telling other people about my assault. He used it to garner sympathy from the girls he wanted to sleep with - I was a monster and this was one of the reasons.  He wanted so much to help me, but I was a lost cause.  

With the event so close, the feelings were raw. I may have gotten a bit sassy.  I told him it wasn’t his story to tell.   So he’d shove me violently toward the door and tell me to “Leave!!”  Then proceed to spam me with hate for the following hour.

I haven’t had one of these nights for a while now.  But reading this again punched me in the gut.  The worst part is, later on in the conversation I excuse him because I knew he “only denied [or doubted that I was raped] when [he] was really hurt.”

This one hurt really bad then; I remember driving home and being worried I’d crash my car because I couldn’t see through my tears. Or my misery. I’m ashamed that it still hurts now.

Just Damned In General

I ran into a mutual acquaintance of ours fairly recently after it all came out and he kicked me out.

This acquaintance asked me if I was still with him.  I said no.

I think I told him I’d run into this guy and that I had be honest.  He lost it.  Of course. I remember asking him what I should have said instead so I could learn.  He didn’t have an answer for that.

Among the fresh barrage of insults, he told me that I had sealed my fate and that this guy and all his friends were going to start to add me to social media to try to be the “next in line.”  He wouldn’t be with anyone like that.  

None of this was true, of course. None of these people have reached out to me since. But it was the end of my world for me at the time.  

I’m so anxious and stressed after writing those last three posts.  It’s so hard to believe that I felt I was better off in this mess.