Just Damned In General

Just Damned In General

I ran into a mutual acquaintance of ours fairly recently after it all came out and he kicked me out.

This acquaintance asked me if I was still with him.  I said no.

I think I told him I’d run into this guy and that I had be honest.  He lost it.  Of course. I remember asking him what I should have said instead so I could learn.  He didn’t have an answer for that.

Among the fresh barrage of insults, he told me that I had sealed my fate and that this guy and all his friends were going to start to add me to social media to try to be the “next in line.”  He wouldn’t be with anyone like that.  

None of this was true, of course. None of these people have reached out to me since. But it was the end of my world for me at the time.  

I’m so anxious and stressed after writing those last three posts.  It’s so hard to believe that I felt I was better off in this mess.

Once, he threw a glass in the sink that I was washing dishes in. It shattered of course.

My skin was super soft from being in the water, so I got cut as I pulled up the stopper to drain the sink and clean up the glass.

He told me that if I didn't like it then I should stop pissing him off.

Oof.

“You were forcing me to feel guilty about having wounds, you pretended my emotions weren’t real, you dramatized your most tiny problems until they looked more important than my whole life struggles, you punished me over and over again for “not following your rules” and you had the fucking nerve to pretend that I was the toxic one.”

— (via furiousgoldfish)

I get hugs all day from my partner now. ESPECIALLY when I dont think I deserve one.

My humanity ebbing away.

“Can I have a hug?”

“What makes you think you deserve one?”

I wish I could say this is like reading about someone else's life now. It's not.

At least now I can say I hate him and mean it.

Missed Experience

This last July I planned a trip for us to go up north to a popular camping/water sport destination.  He wanted an experience without me, so I had the perfect idea:  he always wanted to go scuba diving, and the idea sort of terrifies me – so perfect!  

I had everything planned:  The non refundable deposit was down for the scuba, the cute beachside hotel was booked. I’d picked out the restaurants, hikes, and other things we were going to do.  The weather was going to be beautiful.  Despite my anxiety owing to the fact that nothing was ever good enough, I felt that I had outdone myself with the planning.  It was going to be perfect.

However, the Tuesday before the weekend he wanted to grease the chain on his motorcycle.  I always helped him with it, even though he told me I was the most useless person for the job – he only chose me because he didn’t have anyone else.  What he had me doing wasn’t hard per say, but it was essentially two things at once.  It didn’t go as perfectly as he’d hoped and he lost his temper.

He screamed at me calling me a useless cunt and kicked a wooden stool.  In doing so, he fractured his toe.  Later he told me that it was a selfless act because he really wanted to kick me.  He broke his toe in lieu of my ribs.

He insisted that I cancel the trip I had spent weeks getting together due to his injury. I lost the deposit I made on the scuba diving and one night of the hotel.  I didn’t even bother mentioning it.

He blamed me and my incompetence for, once again, robbing him of an enjoyable weekend.