His Racism Was The Source Of So Many Of Our Fights. It Led To An Outburst Of Violence At Least Once.

His racism was the source of so many of our fights. It led to an outburst of violence at least once. At the time I chastised myself for not keeping my mouth shut; I could let so much else go without a word. But not the nonsensical bile he spewed at the world's current favourite scapegoat

Now I feel a little proud for not backing down. I lost a lot of myself throughout all of this, but not everything.

Add this to the pile

He used to make me park my car a block or more away from his ( once our) house. Didn't care if I was cold, carrying heavy things or leaving at 4am.

If I parked in the same spot twice in a row he would threaten to not have me over anymore.

Anthem

While working in the basement one day, I did something that upset him (likely the board I was holding wasn’t straight or flush enough for him, or something we screwed together wasn’t square).  He pushed me to the ground and I hit my head.

He stood over me, triumphant and imposing. I locked eyes with him for a moment, stunned.  Then he sang “Who runs the world” in a mocking voice; he sang Beyonce daring me to get up.

I’m fucking crying.

Those of us who have been through abuse are always leery of new people and looking for red flags of our possible next abuser.  That angry outburst in the car strike one,  the attitude in your voice when we ask a favor strike two, cursing during an argument strike three, the raising of your voice, slamming of a door, the silent treatment….. All these during a relationship with someone who has never experienced abuse may seem minimal to most people. but to those of us who were with partners who started out sweet, who professed their love one day and withheld affection the next until the entire relationship progressed into fear at the sound of their footsteps and anxiety when you hear the car pull into the driveway. These small things prick up our ears and put us on edge.  We track them, make mental notes, and pull away for fear you too will turn on us.  I’d say it isn’t easy being with someone like me, I have been referred to as an abused puppy, waiting to be kicked as I am always on guard and expecting the floor to drop out beneath me.  Just a word of advice to any well meaning person entering into a relationship with someone who has been abused, don’t waste our time. If you know you have a temper, if you know you can be cold or impatient, move on, we need someone kinder than you, we need patience and understanding.  Know it is going to take time, possibly a lot of time, for us to heal and trust and expecting acceptance and love and tenderness from a partner is not to much to ask.  

Good riddance.

2017 was the year I woke up. I will hold on to that.

I learned to keep house impeccably. Not only to keep you from becoming agitated, but also to keep my mind and hands occupied on simple, mind numbing yet mildly satisfying tasks.

Busy hands do not shake, and a busy mind does not dwell on that bruise on my shoulder from last night.