Baggage For Days - Tumblr Posts

Problem

I am not looking for anyone at this point in time, and may never look for someone ever again.

But if there comes a time when I would like to have a someone again, I may be in a pickle. Who on earth would hear any of this and not run for the hills?

This was part of the plan I'm sure.

One day I will find a good one. And then I will chase them away with my crazy.

Repulsion and longing.

Purging old paperwork as part of my ‘self care’ routine. Lots of documents to remind me of when I used to be a functioning adult with a mortgage and electric bills and such.

So much of it with both of our names on it.

I’m fucking crying.

Those of us who have been through abuse are always leery of new people and looking for red flags of our possible next abuser.  That angry outburst in the car strike one,  the attitude in your voice when we ask a favor strike two, cursing during an argument strike three, the raising of your voice, slamming of a door, the silent treatment….. All these during a relationship with someone who has never experienced abuse may seem minimal to most people. but to those of us who were with partners who started out sweet, who professed their love one day and withheld affection the next until the entire relationship progressed into fear at the sound of their footsteps and anxiety when you hear the car pull into the driveway. These small things prick up our ears and put us on edge.  We track them, make mental notes, and pull away for fear you too will turn on us.  I’d say it isn’t easy being with someone like me, I have been referred to as an abused puppy, waiting to be kicked as I am always on guard and expecting the floor to drop out beneath me.  Just a word of advice to any well meaning person entering into a relationship with someone who has been abused, don’t waste our time. If you know you have a temper, if you know you can be cold or impatient, move on, we need someone kinder than you, we need patience and understanding.  Know it is going to take time, possibly a lot of time, for us to heal and trust and expecting acceptance and love and tenderness from a partner is not to much to ask.  

How much easier it would all be if he was just a monster.

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept about abusers/toxic relationships is that these people care(d) about you, or at least thought they did.

It’s easy to think of stereotypical ‘abusers’ as these Big Bad Monsters who have no regard for your wellbeing. It’s easy but it isn’t always true.

They may well be like that, but they might also be that one person from school who always texts to make sure you’re okay. They might be the family member that tries to cheer you up. They might be the friend you’ve had for as long as you can remember. There is no template for abuse and there is no template for abusers, everyone experiences it differently.

No matter how much these people care about you or love you, if they are abusing you it is absolutely okay to cut them out of your life. You don’t owe them anything because of how they might feel about you.

This worries me.

I can’t tell if I don’t like kissing in general or if I just don’t like kissing him.

Hazard of being with someone who crushes you every day of your entire adult life.

Landscaping 2: A confession

Same TMI warning as on my previous post.

There are moments where I feel like I’m making progress.  Then there are times when I think a little harder and I realize that I am so far from healed.

I don’t shave anymore.  I wax because it hurts more.  And pain is penance.

Bad day

I have had waves of sympathy for him today.  I don’t want it, but it’s happening.  I feel guilty and sad.  And I miss him.  I just want to make him food and make sure he’s ok.

In case you are worried, that’s not going to happen.  It’s just on my mind.

Outside looking in.

A woman at work confided in me that her daughter is in an abusive relationship.  She’s telling me all of the things that I don’t want to hear myself:

 “She knows better,”  

“ I don’t get it, why won’t she listen” 

“Why would she be with someone who called her a cunt?”

She kicked her daughter out of the house in an attempt to make her ‘wake up.’  While I think this was the wrong decision, I can tell that she loves her daughter very much and is just at her wit’s end.

I know that people like me are difficult to love. I also know that loving me takes a toll on the people who do. 

I had no words of comfort or advice to ease her mind.

I am an adult, and, I’m sorry, I can’t help the fact that I just need a damn hug today.

Oh but, heads up, if you hug me for 3 seconds longer than I am comfortable, I may panic and bite you.

I am an adult, and, I’m sorry, I can’t help the fact that I just need a damn hug today.

Voicemail received 2:31am

  Transcript:

{My name},

I..... apologize for trying to reach you as much as I have.  What I wanted to say to you I figured you wanted to hear.... So.... that being said from tonight on I won’t call you anymore.  If you get this message and you want to know what it was..... call me....Thank you.

It’s Magic.

I have been trying to write this post for three days. I’m finding it difficult to put my head into words.

I struggle with Magical Thinking.  Ex): I was horrible to my mother as a teenager, and some of his rants sounded like things 14 year old me would have said.  So, naturally, the torture I endured for 13 years must be punishment for this.

It’s .. bonkers and I know that, but I don’t always, know it.

I believe a lot of the shitty things that have happened to me are the result of decisions I have made even though the links ... well... there aren’t any. This is my brain making connections that don’t actually exist - like I have a conspiracy theorist living inside my head.  And that conspiracy theorist is a jackass.

Because not only do I blame myself for, well, everything, I’ve learned to negotiate with my inner conspiracy theorist jackass that if I suffer enough,  perhaps I can forgive myself for past mistakes and prevent future horrors. 

I think i have always had these issues, but honestly, I have a hard time remembering the details of my mental state prior to him.  What I can say for certain was that he made these thing worse.

On top of also blaming me for everything, he especially reinforced the you-must-be-punished-for-your-crimes-real-or-imaginary mentality.  

He did lots of the punishing himself, but he had me do it too.  I learned how to self harm without any of the tell-tale signs.  

I don't really have any combative training experience, but it it strikes me as irresponsible to be grabbing your students by the throat in the first 15 minutes of your first class.

You're teaching self defense. To women. Does it not seem likely you'll have some trauma survivors?

Tried a self defense course tonight. Realized i am not ready to have people touch me.

Particularly not cishet white men. And particularly not around the throat.

She’s dating someone else.  It’s Facebook Offish.

I’m not heartbroken, but I’ve been annoyed about it for about 15 minutes. 

If there is one positive thing I can say about leaving a totally horrible relationship it would be that it puts other things like this into perspective. 

One day I will find a good one. And then I will chase them away with my crazy.

Just a cute little diddy that doesn’t speak to me at all.

/sarcasm

My woman is worried about me. Apparently I've slipped down into another hole. That's unusual for the summer months. But here we are.

I have to wonder where I would be if he hadn't wrecked havoc on me physically and mentally. I wonder how much of my brain scramble was mine to begin with