I Don't Know Why, But I Googled His Name.

I don't know why, but I googled his name.

He got into an accident on his bike in April and has a GoFundMe set up by his girlfriend. He was in the hospital for 10 weeks.

There's some feels here, but not what I was expecting.

Oopsie.

You know when you know something is a bad idea, but you do it anyways?

Have any of you figured out how to curb that yet?

I always assume that everyone struggles with confidence at one time or another.  So I ask myself,  do I actually have residue from the abuse or do I just lack resilience? 

I’m sure you know how my brain answers.

You know that feeling where you're eyes are burning, and you can't focus on anything because you're so exhausted, but your body is wired and so pumped up with cortisol and dread that you can barely sit let alone actually sleep?

I felt like that for 10 years straight.

I still feel anxious for a split second when I go to take a slice of pizza

Inspection

This was him if I was ever eating anything with my hands. Sandwiches, pizza, crackers, whatever.  He was waiting for the second a crumb dropped so he could squawk.

And, man, did he squawk.  As if he’d be the one cleaning it up.

I started doing the dishes immediately after I finished cooking so he’d be done or mostly done by the time I sat down to eat. He never sat with me if he was done.  

I ate a lot of cold food, but at least I could eat in peace.

Oopsie.

You know when you know something is a bad idea, but you do it anyways?

Have any of you figured out how to curb that yet?

Rewarding and Challenging.

This job is exhausting.

I have spent multiple nights up until 2am planning, finding just the right exercises, wondering when a video would help and if they're understanding the content I'm showing them, worrying if the questions I've prepared to test their understanding are fair, questioning if I'm working too hard on grammar or not hard enough, stressing out over if they actually understand why/how we use modals, does the vocab I send them for reference actually increase their vocab recognition, are they overwhelmed or are they feeling unchallenged, am I helping, for the love of fuck am I helping?

My mother warned me about this.