Being Sick Is An Excuse: Episode 1

Being sick is an excuse: Episode 1

I get migraines with auras ( mine are sparkly lights and blindspots) He made me drive to get him beer after I came home from work early with a migraine. I could barely keep my eyes open, but I did it. And the completion of the task showed that it really wasn’t that bad. I needed to stop over reacting.

Hey. If you're still having sympathy and compassion for the person who hurt you, it's really ok.

I said 'fuck that guy' in my last post. But it took me a really long time to get there. Also, that may never be how you feel about them. That's ok too. You don't have to hate them.

Your feelings toward them don't invalidate what happened to you. And your feelings certainly are not evidence that it 'wasn't that bad'.

I think there are a lot of people out there that think that there's a single 'correct' way to heal. You can process and heal in whatever way works for you. You don't have to follow someone else's blueprint.

Give yourself space, grace and time.

No one said it had to be grandiose platitudes that keep you here. Could be the peppermint latte you'll be picking up after work on Friday.

Some weeks that latte was all there was.

I wrote this the day after my first-ever post. I was a mess. I'm still a mess, but it's a different kind of mess.

I still wonder at times if I need someone to 'keep me in line.' I have a partner who is kind and gentle, and has no interest in taming or training me.

I still don't trust that I am good enough to be hers. Or anyone's.

Uphill all the way

Sometimes I feel like he’s right. That I’m crazy. That he is a good man who tried so hard to help me become a functioning adult. That I was just too fucked up to make him happy.

It’s a funny thing to be trained not to trust yourself.

I realized recently that I don't think about him every day anymore. Often, still, but not every day.

I don't know how to track that kind of progress, but I'm grateful for it.

So much reprogramming to do

So I'm starting to recover (barely) from whatever this stomach thing was and from some terrible corners of my brain I keep hearing:

" Oh good! I bet this shrank your stomach! "

" You've consumed less than half a day's worth of calories over 4 days; you're going to see some great results"

"Could you eat like this permanently?"

"Some clouds have a silver lining, you know..."