One Of Those Days Where I'm At My Absolute Lowest Point Mentally But I'm Not Allowed To Talk About It

One of those days where I'm at my absolute lowest point mentally but I'm not allowed to talk about it because talking about it online gets my account reported and taken down, and I can't talk about it in real life because very few people care and talking about it just makes them mad at me, and if I tell the wrong person, I'll have a "welfare check" of multiple armed cops showing up at my door treating me like a criminal.

Living with PTSD and depression is fucking impossible sometimes and nobody understands.

I don't know if I am ever actually going to like talk about this again on any of my blogs but I'm technically not a binary trans man.

I often simplify my identity to just "FTM", "trans man" or "transmasculine", but to be completely honest, I'm demi masculine and nonbinary, but just heavily masculine leaning.

I have the demiboy symbol tattooed on my ankle, and I don't plan on getting it covered or changed anytime soon despite the fact that I usually refer to myself as just a transgender man instead of elaborating, because to me it is more accurate of a description for myself.

I identified as non-binary starting at the time I was like 16 years old until I came out as transmasculine at 24 (also should probably mention that I was diagnosed with an intersex variation at 22, which also affected how I viewed my gender identity in a lot of ways), and I still have a lot of nuances and fluidity to my gender, though none of that could be described as feminine or female. The closest that I really get to feminine or female is feeling kind of like a femboy or girlboy, but even that is pretty heavily leaning towards the "boy" side of things.

I guess the best way that I can describe it is that everyone's gender is like a different color in a crayon box, and if binary male was classic Blue, my gender would be more like dark teal or almost emerald green. Like, the blue is definitely there and it almost looks blue, but there's a bit of green in there and it's kind of dark and muddy.

I don't think that this really makes a lot of difference whenever it comes to things on my page but I feel like it's important to me so I wanted to mention it.

I'm a guy. But I'm also non-binary. I'm a non-binary guy. And there's really nothing that weird about that at all.

I know that most people are used to people who are younger identifying as non-binary and either growing out of it or just keeping quiet about it, so I really want to just normalize that I am almost 30, I have children and a family, I use primarily he him pronouns but also sometimes they or it, and I'm a non-binary man.

Just wanted to say that so that other people hopefully don't feel like the only people who are older than 25 with slightly unconventional or mogai identities. You aren't alone. We exist.

Negotiated to outpatient X-ray and a follow up plus referral to rheumatology. They gave me Prednisone and Flexeril, so I can kinda get around now, but not really.

This is not fun

Being chronically ill is fun because my right leg is numb and the right side of my lower back and hip are in a huge amount of pain and I don't know if I dislocated something, if I aggravated the spinal cord injury I had when I was a kid, if I aggravated the fracture in my tail bone that I got in Spring/Summer of '22, if it's nerve pain from my Lyme disease and related palsy, or something completely new!

Also this is a fun time to not know where my fucking cane is! Usually it's in the car, but our car was totaled in August and I don't know if I rescued my cane from it after the crash.

Fuck my life, I can't fucking walk today.

Transgender men and sexual violence

Transgender men and transmasculine people are often erased and ignored by the wider queer community. This leads to our suffering being ignored and erased. While all transgender people are more likely to face sexual violence, Transgender men and transmasculine people have the highest rate of sexual violence of the whole queer community - disabled trans men and trans men of color being the most vulnerable.

Trevor Project (2024)

“There is a dangerous invisibility that comes with being a trans man that people are not speaking about: Trans men are not considered plausible ‘victims’ once they transition to male. I find the assumption that our gender instantly makes us invulnerable or always protects us from violence when others learn of our trans status to be violent in and of itself. Why? Because it makes me feel as if I cannot speak openly about my pain, about my struggles, about the dangers I face in daily life. I feel that I cannot get media coverage that wouldn’t trivialize my struggles because of some apparent all-encompassing privilege that many people assume I and most trans men have gained. And I can say for sure that I’m not the only trans man to feel this way.” Forge Forward

Transgender men and transmasculine people who are victims of sexual violence deserve support and community. Studies have shown that when victims of sexual violence don't have support and community they are likely to commit suicide. Places to donate that provide support to all transgender people:

The Trevor Project "The Trevor Project is the leading suicide prevention and crisis intervention nonprofit organization for LGBTQ+ young people. We provide information & support to LGBTQ+ young people 24/7, all year round." Mermaids "Mermaids supports transgender, non-binary and gender-diverse children and young people, as well as their families and professionals involved in their care."

Places to donate that provide support transgender men and transmasculine people: The international man project "The Intentional Man Project provides men of trans experience with the community and the programmatic support they need to live healthier, connected, and more fulfilling lives." Black Trans Men Inc "Since 2011, Black Transmen Inc has firmly planted ourselves on the forefront of organizing the modern movement for Black trans equality.  Still too often, black transmen are overshadowed in the fight for social equality.   Founded by Carter & Esperanza Brown, Black Transmen, Inc. (BTMI) takes pride in its role as the first national nonprofit social advocacy organization with a specific focus on empowering African American transgender men by addressing multi-layered issues of injustice faced at the intersections of racial, sexual orientation, and gender identities."

Randomly remembered that I went to highschool with a dude who was half Puerto Rican and would fuck with people who gave him shit over it or who would try to say that he was Mexican, and the one day he brought in a woven poncho and sombrero and randomly put it on in class, and proceeded to spend the rest of class responding to everything with "si, si", "no quiero Taco bell", and "su padre es pollo" (your father is a chicken, I think?) for all of class before someone finally just said like,

"Tommy we don't speak Spanish, we aren't Mexican."

"well neither am I but you guys put so much pressure on me...."

And then took the poncho off, held his sombrero to his chest sadly and just left for the day and never acknowledged it again. No idea how he left early btw, it was a charter school in a different county from where he lived and everyone took the bus so he didn't drive home, I don't know if someone picked him up or if it was planned, but it was bizarre.

Your vibes are like Jordan from Axis of Awesome in the best way possible

im the worlds most dorky transfem dj

📷/📹: Cosimo Augustoni