Just Completed A Task I Willingly Started. I Cannot Keep Living Like This

just completed a task i willingly started. i cannot keep living like this

27.09.21

POLONIUS: What do you read, my lord?

HAMLET: Words, words, words.

I confess, I didn’t get an awful lot done over the weekend. Just finished doing a couple peer reviews. Today I spent finishing my English lessons and readings for the week so I’ll have time to work on the essay due Friday. I did some Spanish and linguistics too for some variation.

“But, orderly to end where I begun,

Our wills and fates do so contrary run

That our devices still are overthrown.

Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own.”

Perhaps a more apt quotation would lie in saying I do protest too much, methinks. Despite my productivity, this work was actually to put off doing the assignments due tomorrow in French and my other linguistics class. Oops.

“This is the excellent foppery of the world, that, when we are sick in fortune, often the surfeit of our own behaviour, we make guilty of our disasters the sun, the moon, and the stars; as if we were villains on necessity; fools by heavenly compulsion; knaves, thieves, and treachers by spherical pre-dominance; drunkards, liars, and adulterers by an enforc’d obedience of planetary influence; and all that we are evil in, by a divine thrusting on.”

22.09.21

I’m My place is still a mess, so meet my houseplants. At the top we have Ivy and Pearl, my two old girls. Next up is Peter Planter, my spider plant. Phil—short not for Philodendron, but Philoctetes. Lastly, my snake plant Loki. Practical as Loki was a shapeshifter in mythology, hilarious because “mbleurgh it’s me!” Also, Loki currently has four children on the way: Jörmungandr, Fenrir, Sleipnir, and Hel.

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” —Annie Dillard

Another productive day, but not so much as it could have been. I’ve been thinking about things.

“You will always struggle with not feeling productive until you accept that your own joy can be something you produce.” —Hank Green

I have a lot to do, but not so much so that I feel I couldn’t do more. I want to study for my French quiz and write my essay outline. I want to make flashcards for Spanish and French and rewrite all my notes then type them too. I want to do all my readings twice over and take detailed notes and stay up late and wake up early. I want to be the best I could be, given infinite time and space to learn and grow because I feel the weight of human imperfection and mortality. I want too much. And I know this. And it doesn’t make me want any less.

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” —Stephen Chbosky

16.09.21

Ciao from the void.

Void with a capital V? If I’m your void, but you’re my void (really wanting to embrace y’all as English’s second person plural)… then is reality a relative void? It is if you remember that everything is mostly nothing, a thought that is both relieving and terrifying depending on where you’re (y’all’re) at mentally (guessing probably not great as we meet here between the trenches in no man’s land).

Behold, the long-expected intro post. However, consider the following arguments:

a. Time is relative

b. Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn

Hi, my name is Kira and I’m a pretentious bastard. Sugar is my drug of choice, love starting my day off on that high and proceeding to crash harder than Icarus. Guess you’ve got to be a self-destructive sadist to believe the ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer and the rage, rage against the dying of the light mindset of academia. It’s a very Greek idea. Profanity, do I hate citations. You’ll find vaguely described sources for quotes and allusions in the tags.

To return to the point—if there ever was one among the rambling nonsense that is my scream stream of consciousness—this is my personal blog that will be filled with mostly studying, but also fun extras like Stuff in General. I’m a linguistics major taking five classes this semester: English, Spanish, French, and two linguistics classes. I’m focused on getting good grades to apply for law school in the ominously approaching future.

Days like today—when I am never enough, gotta do more, gotta be more—are why I’ve joined you in the void despite my general dislike of social media. This blog is for me more than anyone and more of a reminder than anything else. 

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

I had a fairly productive day, but it never seems like enough. Listening to an absolute shitmix of low-fi classical alternative punk rock pop with a side of rubbish (like garbage, but tasteful). I’m within and without. Also vibing with Roses by The Band CAMINO.

Look at me go, being all melodramatic and such.

“I can see it. This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And you’re listening to that song, on that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear, we are infinite.” The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012) dir. Stephen Chbosky

Sleep is for the week, not the weak, so rest, bitch.