When Have I Ever Been First?

When have I ever been first?

A question for the ages.

As a tot in my mothers arms,

I was still only second 

To the plants she kept on the sill,

And as I grew I became second

To various things more;

To the state of the house,

To income and money,

To my older, healthier sister,

To my father and his "quirks".

No room to call my own,

No privacy to speak of,

No emotions allowed past curfew.

I thought that maybe,

When I'm out,

It'll be over,

But it only gets worse.

My health is secondary 

To various whims,

My sleep is secondary

To deafening hymns,

My suffering is secondary

To what's displayed on the screen,

And no emotions allowed past curfew.

Sure, I am primary for myself.

This would be nice, if not for

How Ill I am,

And the fact that i cannot

Prioritize myself, since i cannot 

Do everything myself,

And so I'm dependent 

On being the top priority

Of external persons

Who never prioritized me once.

Of those who walk past me,

Often looking through.

Wouldn't care if I did. Yay for flash drives!

Isn't this just what it's like being a woman/AFAB in our world?

I feel this to my core. It's unfair to expect one side of the relationship to maintain all the conversations. Very quickly, you end up managing the persons life. You're responsible for everything while they stare blankly at a wall, and if you fail to manage their life alongside your own, then they wake up and prove that they were able to speak this whole time, yell even. If you can't maintain a conversation and your own shitty life, stop dating above your league. Leave us to people who actually care and do their part. We'll dump you eventually anyway, might as well make it quick.

A letter to my sister:

You had every chance to fix this. At this point, it is too far gone. I cannot deal with your moral apathy, with your constant thoughtless abuse of my kindness and psychiatric knowledge, and with your constant active effort to be our parents favourite. It is pathetic, if you think about it, that this letter is not written to a teenager. You are 35 years old, and I am the younger sibling. Why must I constantly be your big sister? Why must I deal with your treatment of me and the world quietly?

It's been 2+ years since we last talked. At which point you apologised for a singular Facebook chat that I wasn't even mad at, and refused to acknowledge your issues. You refused to go to therapy, despite the fact that no sane person would cheat on their perfect husband out of boredom and then bring her fellow cuckolder to meet the family. Despite the fact that no sane person would feel comfortable destroying nature for the sake of partying, and no sane person would so comfortably abuse their sibling while audaciously referring to her as their best friend. That was my only condition, and you refused to follow it, and now here we are.

This relationship is beyond fixing. Your priorities are entirely insane and I'm tired of dealing with it. And by now what was ever between us is tainted straight to tar. You will never use me again, and you never loved me to begin with. Being free of your behaviour has been extremely healthy for me mentally, and I have no intention of going back. Especially considering the fact that you're sure that I'm just "hysterical" (you are a misogynistic, ableist spot of dry rot), and have been expecting me to back down this whole time. Well, good luck with that. And also, good bye forever. 👌

I exercise while suffering from executive dysfunction, so I am buff, but my life is in a constant state of collapse ✨